Miss him so much

I lost my long term partner Phil just over 5 weeks ago. He was in hospital but we thought he was getting better & would be home soon. Things took a turn for the worst & the last 24 hours of his life were horrendous. You don’t die from a panic attack but that’s what they said was happening. I was with him when he went into cardiac arrest & they managed to resuscitate him & put him on life support but he died hours later with me holding his hand. I have such horrible visions in my head & can’t come to terms with what has happened. Every day gets harder & harder & i miss him so much. He was only 56 & I cry every day for him. It’s like living in a nightmare that I can’t get out of.

6 Likes

I’m sorry for your loss, I too watched my husband die in horrific circumstances and still even after nine months can see it all, be kind to yourself it’s only five weeks surround yourself with loving family and friends and keep talking about it, I wrote down every sordid detail and I am still unravelling how I feel about it all, reading it and rereading so I can process how it all unfolded, the panic of the crisis at the time, who was with me it’s all still very vivid but it is helping me come to terms, we will never get over losing our loved ones, how could we, the heartbreak will never heal, it’s about surviving one hour to the next please know you’re not alone sending love and hugs xx

1 Like

I’m so sorry for both your loss I also lost my husband in hospital sk I understand how you both feel 5 weeks it is so hard to come to terms with it’s almost 12 months for me and I am still coming to terms with all that went on it was horrific I too was holding his hand just hope he knew I was with him we left to deal with it all hope family and friends will help you on this very sad journey sending hugs xx

1 Like

Thank you so much for your kind words MAB it means a lot. I have had to write everything down as I have put a complaint in against the hospital. It’s so hard going over & over it in my head. I want to remember our good times together but at moment I’m just haunted by the images of his last days. Love & hugs to you too. xx

1 Like

Thank you Rose45. It’s hard not knowing if they knew we were there with them. I sat with Phil for about 6 hours talking to him & holding his hand but they had him sedated & I will never know if he could hear me. Sending love & big hugs to you. xx

1 Like

I held my H hand for five hours until he took his final breath. I can still see the day he had his cardiac arrest and me doing cpr. Then there was a month in hospital doing tests to find he had no brain function. It was all so sudden and still seems surreal. I too text and talk to H and tell him about the day. After 12 months I still cry for him every day. I miss him so much. X

2 Likes

Sending you lots of love Nel. I don’t think there will ever be a day when we won’t cry or miss them. xx

1 Like

All struggling in our own way it’s a horrible journey for us all with out our soulmate tears will dry up some time may be but heart will always be broken sending you all hugs xx

3 Likes

It’s so very soon and the circumstances so tragic . You need to grieve but in your own time . Writing things down does help and as you say you need to for the complaint .
The grieving will happen and you need to let it .
Such early days so stay on this group and in time you will see advice from how other folk cope and how some of it may help you BUT not yet !
For the moment be kind to yourself and take comfort from caring family and friends :cry::two_hearts:

3 Likes

Hi Net65,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my soulmate in November 2021 very suddenly and unexpectedly, he left the house a happy healthy man of 59 going for his usual jog and less than an hour later he was found collapsed on the side of the road, we are new to this area and nobody knew who he was, apparently someone was with him quickly and started CPR but I’ve been told that there was a delay in getting the defibrillator as it was in a church nearby and they needed a code to use it which no one knew and they had to get one from somewhere else, it happened close to a race track so the air ambulance got there first and as we live in the countryside it took 45 minutes for the road ambulance to arrive.
I was told they worked on him for an hour but there was no response.
I am still in shock at how this could have happened.
Also, I will never get over the trauma of how different my gorgeous handsome man looked when I finally got to see him it’s an image that has haunted me since then.
I wish I could give you some advice, I remember I was in a complete daze for the first weeks, it such a difficult thing and so hard for those around you to help, they all mean well but unless you’ve been through it you just don’t understand how devastating it is.
I’m sure everyone will be telling you it gets better with time, it doesn’t get better but you do learn to live with it which I’m sure you probably won’t believe at the moment.
I miss Pete every moment of every day and can’t actually believe I have survived this long without him, the thing that keeps me going is thinking what he would wanted for me and I know he would want me to carry on and try to be happy.
It’s a very tough ask though.
This forum has helped me to cope as we are all in the same situation and people on here really do understand what we are going through.
Take care and send you a hug.
Muldool

4 Likes

Hi Muldool
It’s heartbreaking reading your story. Life is so unfair that we are having to go through this. How can we have something so special so cruelly taken away from us. At the moment it is so hard to think what Phil would want for me as all he ever wanted was for us to be together & now we’re not. I’m sure that just the same as your Pete he will be watching over me ever day & at moment that’s the only thing keeping me going.
Sending big hugs to you xxx

2 Likes

Hi Net65,
Thanks for your reply, I’m afraid we are now members of a club we never wanted to join.
It’s so difficult to believe that when someone is so full of life and planning the future, it can all disappear in an instant.
Pete and I had so many plans and he often used to say, it’s a good job you love me because you are stuck with me forever!
We were one of those couples who did everything together and were never happier than when it was just us in our bubble. That’s what makes it so difficult, he was the planner and organiser and there are so many things he just sorted and I never had to think about.
We were so lucky to have found each other, I had never experienced true love before meeting him but unfortunately we only got 5 years together.
I feel completely robbed of my future.
Its all very raw for you at the moment, there are so many decisions to be made and dealing with things, can be so upsetting, don’t put too much pressure on yourself or be rushed, go at your own pace, you will have days when you will feel a little stronger.
Try to get some sleep, although I know,that’s easier said than done!
Take care of yourself
Muldool

1 Like

Hi Muldool
Me & Phil were so like you & Pete. We did everything together and we even worked together. We spent all day every day in each others company & that’s just how we liked it. I had 13 wonderful years with him & expected to have many more. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply it means such a lot.
You take care too. xx

1 Like

Hi, I’m new to here, just joined today after looking at some sites to help me deal with my grief.
My partner passed away just before Christmas and I just can’t cope. We were together for 21 years and very close.
He was fit and healthy and looking forward to Christmas together, he went for a bike ride and died suddenly, he had a blood clot in his archerie which caused his heart to instantly stop. They told me he will have died before he even hit the floor.
He was my absolute world and I still cannot believe this has happened. I struggle every day to even function. I’m completely lost and feel so lonely without him.
People say to me it will get easier but I feel so broken I just can’t imagine ever feeling any better

4 Likes

Hi Rebecca, My wife died sudden on 07/01/2022 very much similar to your partner, blood clot to the heart etc, she was 71 years young and we had been married 50 years with 2 children and 4 grandchildren, we done everything together, even worked together before we retired, I find some comfort in the fact that she did not suffer and passed away instantly, although I didn’t have the chance to say good bye to her, we both knew how much we loved each other as we used to tell each other everyday that we loved each other, we used to have a joke with each other saying that each one of us Loved the other more than the other.
I struggle and cry everyday for here, and wish the days away some days just to go to bed and try and sleep. I live on the hope that it may get easier one day, I have bad days and not so bad days, and I am a great believer in taking Day by Day, some days its Hour by Hour.
You have joined the correct forum to help you deal with your grief, I have found that people on this forum understand what we are going through as they have, or are going through the same pain as we are, also don’t be afraid to express your concerns no matter how big or little you think they are, as people on her wont judge you they will only listen or advise you, Take Care Mickere x

3 Likes

Hi Rebecca, Hi Mickere.
I’m new here too. So sorry to hear about your losses, I lost my beloved soulmate suddenly too, from a heart attack,a year and a half ago. He was only 57. We had been together 26 years. I just can’t believe it still, I feel like I’m in another dimension and I’m just a spectator in all this sorrow,just can’t come to terms with the fact that such a hard-working man so full of life can just disappear. I sometimes think I’m going crazy when I talk to him and ask: “Where are you? You can’t possibly not exist anymore”.
Hopefully we can help each other on this site, sharing our thoughts trying to find comfort on this journey we didn’t want to make.

2 Likes

Morning reading your messages al so hard so sorry more of you find your self needing to join this site where we did not expect to be doing helps to know that we are not alone no words can make us better but knowing that there is people on here who know how we feel can help some of you are very good with words I’m not so good just know how sad I am for you all going through this loss of our partners I feel your pain it’s is the worse will we ever feel less I’m not sure just becomes a new way life that we are struggling with another day to try to manage sending you all hug take care xx

3 Likes

Hi Mickere,
Thank you so much for replying, everything you say I can completely understand, some days I have just layed in bed and wanted to sleep the day away. I know that isn’t probably the best thing to do but also I really think you need to just do whatever feels right for you that day.
The day mark passed away he was so happy and always full of life and and energy. He even said to me that morning that he had never felt so relaxed as he was off work for Christmas. He almost didn’t go for his bike ride as it was frosty but the frost cleared and he and his friend set off. He gave me a big hug as always and I told him to be careful (also as always) and off he went, can’t believe he never came back. When I saw the police on the drive I knew. Still in shock from that moment. Sometimes I think I can’t stand another day of this but I do get through it so I’m just going to keep going and try to survive this. It’s hard though but being able to speak with people in similar situations on here I think will help.

2 Likes

Hi RebeccaM,
I’m so sorry for your loss, its such a shock when someone dies so suddenly.
My story is quite similar to yours , my world ended on November 13th 2021 when Pete went out jogging and never came home, I was also told he was most likely dead before he hit the ground.
He was fit and healthy and had always jogged. It’s just so hard to get your head around how this can happen.
The shock does really strange things to you, I’m almost 6 months down the line and don’t know how I’ve survived as my heart is completely shattered.
Life is so dull and lonely, I do have good support from Petes and my family but it so difficult to understand if you haven’t been through it.
All we can do is try to take one day at a time, I can’t make any plans or think about the future.
People say it gets easier but I think we just learn to cope better.
Think of you and sending you a hug.
Muldool x

3 Likes

Hi Muldool,
So sorry for you too. It is so unbelievably difficult to understand how this can happen to someone so fit and healthy. Mark took such good care of himself and there were no signs of what was going to happen which makes it so difficult to take in. I know what you mean when you wonder how you have survived, it will soon be 5 months for me and I just don’t know how i get through each day. I don’t know if this will help you but I have been seeing a bereavement counsellor and she suggested keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. It was hard to write things to start with but it does help a little to just write everything down. It has also been a great comfort to hear other peoples stories on here and know that it is normal how I feel especially when you literally feel like you can’t take anymore.
Take care and stay strong love Rebecca

1 Like