Miss M Connor

I am sat here on my own tonight my older children have gone out with their other half’s.Also my two other teenagers have gone upstairs doing their own thing.I am thinking would they miss me if I was gone because they seem to be coping fine without their dad, who died on Christmas Day 2020.
I’m having bad thoughts again because I am so alone and when I try and hint in a joking way like saying oh I’m alone without your dad, they joke back and say oh here we go again bring out the violins.
I don’t want to bring my children back with me in a dark place but it’s so much harder for me because they all have partners.I feel so left behind and I wonder if they would really miss me or if they would be ok without me.
I miss my fella so much and to loose him Xmas day is horrible and I don’t want Xmas to come I just want to sleep right through it.I also pretend and joke with my kids that I am absolutely fine but I’m not.But I can’t burden them with what I feel :cry:

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So sad to hear your story. Xmas is a hard time anyway but for you to loose him on xmas day is so sad. My wife passed 2 years ago and loved xmas. This will be my third without her and I, like you, wish i could just wake up and it all be over. Everyone on this site will understand how you feel. Your children will always need their Mum, I am 60 and still need my 82 year old Mum. Stay strong and take care. Big hug.


So sorry that you are feeling so low. My hubby died 10 no this ago, so this will be the 2nd Christmas, although last year was a bit of a blur, then we were back into lockdown so spent the next few months on my own, it was pretty shit tbh. Last year I didn’t get round to doing the tree etc, so this year I am dreading, it’s the lead up to it that’s probably the worse. Your kids will always need their Mum, it’s the sort of thing kids say, they just do not think sometimes. I am so glad I have my Mum around. Look after yourself, you can PM me anytime. X

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Hi Marcol,

Like you my dear wife Elaine passed on Christmas Day and since then my friends and relatives try to understand my loss but can’t grasp that this gigantic hole in your life will never heal. Some of my friends and family talk about Elaine but others fail to relate and change the topic when I mention her and how I can’t seem to have a day go by without shedding a tear or screaming inside my head for relief from the reality of her passing. We were a couple who did everything together and now when doing a simple job we did together leaves me numb and wondering why is she gone and I am left in this crazy world of isolation from reality. Yes it will probably get better some time but just now there is nothing that gives me any hope when I see them with their partners and mine is missing.
I’ve already told everyone include me out of Christmas Day as I want to be alone with my memories and will make a meal for two as always and then God only knows what I will do to fill the rest of that day. I don’t want to spoil their day but don’t want to be among happiness on that day and try to be looking like I am ok when I will not be ok.


I feel for you especially if you are all alone at least I have my children round me which will help me get through the day.
I honestly don’t think you should be alone surely there is someone you can ask for company.
Maybe tell a friend or family member the way you are feeling about Christmas Day.
Since I wrote my first post I have managed to tell my children how I am dreading Xmas and how I am going to struggle, so hopefully they will be supportive on the day to get me through.

Hi Marcol,

I have great neighbours just a few doors down who had invited me for Christmas dinner last year when I had to cancel and Robert drove me to the hospital. The same offer was given this year to go spend time with them and have dinner. Can’t really find it in me to be with anyone on that day, but as the saying goes ‘never say never’ so things may change my view in 10 or so weeks.

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I understand you completely because there are a lot of things I don’t want to do but sometimes you have to force yourself to do them.My 19 year old son had asked me to go to the Christmas markets with him and his girlfriend and my 15 yr old daughter and I said no I can’t do it.
But he said to me come on mum what else are you going to do sit at home alone, dad wouldn’t want that for you and you might even enjoy getting out.
I’ve had a think about it and I’m going for my son and daughter and I may even enjoy getting out.I think what Colin would have wanted and he wouldn’t want me sat at home alone.
Sometimes you have to push yourself, what harm can it do and staying at home won’t bring her back.
What would she want you to do ??


Elaine would want me to get on with my life. But just now it’s one day at a time and not planning anything far ahead as I don’t know if I would be strong enough to do whatever when the time comes. Been to my grandsons basketball games and have a diary of forthcoming matches but even though I desperately want to be there I am loath to commit and disappoint so am saying I will check in a few days before the game to let him know I am coming. That’s the best I seem to be able to commit to at present but at least it is an option I have to look forward with hope.
Stay safe. Gordon