My Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer last autumn. He had 2x TURBTs but there was recurrence at his follow-up in February.
He was so frail and had been having falls at his follow-up clinic that he was admitted to hospital to rehabilitation ward … where he stayed for about 6 months.
There was recurrence and he was being treated palliatively. I can’t fault the clinical care … but it was horrific watching my dad decline. He lost so much weight, UTIs, chest infections, and the dementia.
Oh god watching my dad suffer was just so much to bear. There were flashes of my dad but it was fleeting. Early on we at least could say we loved each other when he was congnent.
Dad was put onto end of life care and eventually a nursing home place was suitable, he was there for the last few weeks.
The nursing home GP who was assessing dad after he had declined a bit called me on the Monday and said I should visit sooner rather than later.
We travelled over to see him on the Wednesday … and I just knew that this would be the last time I saw him.
Dad was dozing. I could tell he was dying. It was so painful. I sat with him and stroked his head, told him he was wtih family and we loved him.
He passed … and that was it.
I stayed with my mum that day, we had to tell mum that Dad had passed … I stayed for about a week after that, there was so much to sort out. Registering the death, liaising with the nursing home. Funeral directors. It was all a blur.
I have no siblings and my mum was in no state to do anything, so all the organisation had to be done: closing bank accounts, registering death, death certificate, funeral, stationary, the music, writing (and doing) the eulogy … and now it’s the fallout afterwards.
My dad passed end of Sept and the funeral was mid October. It feels like yesterday … and months ago at the same time.
I feel completely numb. And then I feel upstet and hurt and rage and despair all after each other.
I feel like a boat adrift at sea.
I can’t concentrate for more than half and hour. My head is all over the place.
I am looking after myself: physical activity, eating OK, trying not to drink too much (keeping an eye on that)
… how long does this take?
I feel so lost and miss my Dad so much