Miss my Dad, he passed the end of September

My Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer last autumn. He had 2x TURBTs but there was recurrence at his follow-up in February.
He was so frail and had been having falls at his follow-up clinic that he was admitted to hospital to rehabilitation ward … where he stayed for about 6 months.
There was recurrence and he was being treated palliatively. I can’t fault the clinical care … but it was horrific watching my dad decline. He lost so much weight, UTIs, chest infections, and the dementia.
Oh god watching my dad suffer was just so much to bear. There were flashes of my dad but it was fleeting. Early on we at least could say we loved each other when he was congnent.

Dad was put onto end of life care and eventually a nursing home place was suitable, he was there for the last few weeks.

The nursing home GP who was assessing dad after he had declined a bit called me on the Monday and said I should visit sooner rather than later.
We travelled over to see him on the Wednesday … and I just knew that this would be the last time I saw him.

Dad was dozing. I could tell he was dying. It was so painful. I sat with him and stroked his head, told him he was wtih family and we loved him.
He passed … and that was it.

I stayed with my mum that day, we had to tell mum that Dad had passed … I stayed for about a week after that, there was so much to sort out. Registering the death, liaising with the nursing home. Funeral directors. It was all a blur.
I have no siblings and my mum was in no state to do anything, so all the organisation had to be done: closing bank accounts, registering death, death certificate, funeral, stationary, the music, writing (and doing) the eulogy … and now it’s the fallout afterwards.

My dad passed end of Sept and the funeral was mid October. It feels like yesterday … and months ago at the same time.

I feel completely numb. And then I feel upstet and hurt and rage and despair all after each other.
I feel like a boat adrift at sea.
I can’t concentrate for more than half and hour. My head is all over the place.

I am looking after myself: physical activity, eating OK, trying not to drink too much (keeping an eye on that)

… how long does this take?

I feel so lost and miss my Dad so much :cry:

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So sorry for your loss jfk. I lost my Dad earlier this week very suddenly. My Mum passed away 3 years ago after a brain tumour and it is heartbreaking to watch someone you love deteriorate. I think both are equally sh*t in their own way!

It does get easier. The pain will always be with you, but it becomes more controllable and manageable. I wonder if you might find it helpful to have some counseling? It might help with the anger especially. Sadly though, it’s one of those things that sort of takes as long as it takes, little by little. Good luck.

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Hi Em_85, thanks

Yes I think I’ve moved forward a bit recently.
I was feeling numb all the time until the last week or so but still have all these emotions and feelings that burst through at times.

I’ve been journaling , even if it’s just ‘I feel like crap today’ and that helps.

My work and occupational health department have been in touch. OH appointment has been set up and also a long term sick management review meeting at work, not entirely helpful quite frankly. I could do with someone to talk to.

I phoned the MacMillan helpline last week which was the first time I’ve spoken to anyone , except my partner (she lost her dad last year).
It was very emotional. I cried a lot. I don’t seem to be able to cry during the day, I think I’m just on autopilot during the day. It’s at certain times when I’m reflecting or thinking about certain things, when I had a conversation with my dad, things we did, places and relatives we visited … then it’s overwhelming. I suppose it’s my brain filtering in a defence mechanism.

It feels like I’m grieving all again from the start. I’d started grieving when I realised my Dad’s dementia was a thing … the person I knew was no longer there, or only in fleeting moments … but now I’m back to square one, grieving again all from the start … and it’s like being in a washing machine on extra spin cycle.

Planning on going away on a break for chrimbo and new year, get some winter sun. It’s been a crap couple of years and I need it quite frankly.

I understand that sense of starting over. I think the initial grieving is what they call anticipatory grief. Sadly doesn’t seem to prepare you for when they actually pass away and you’re grieving again.

Sounds like Macmillan might have been a positive, if difficult, step then. Sometimes you really do just have to let it out. Like you say though, if we did that all the time we’d cease to function.

I popped out today to run some errands, and felt awful. Seemed to wrong to be looking at all the Christmas displays having just lost my Dad. It took 3 Christmases to be able to feel like we could enjoy it again - albeit always missing Mum. Now this year we won’t have Dad either. It’s hard to think about trying to enjoy ourselves under the circumstances, and i feel guilty if I even think about it. I don’t suppose anyone wants to leave their loved ones to be miserable forever though do they!

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Yeah, I went into town yesterday and I just felt totally disconnected from everything and everyone. Sometimes I just feel totally adrift.

I had a utterly horrendous dream last night (along with my utterly awful broken sleep), dreamt I had cancer … it’s totally shook me up all day.

That sounds brutal - I hope tonight is more peaceful.

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@jfk Sorry about the loss of your Dad. I lost mine in March & I remember the early weeks of planning & seeing that death certificate in black & white, signifying the end of someone’s life, which really brings it home. I also have flashbacks to watching him dying in hospital. I’m 8 months on this journey & it is hard. You’re not alone in this room, albeit it’s a cyber one. We totally get it & understand. Those emotions of rage & distress are all normal symptoms of grief. I like to think it’s a reaction to the change we didn’t ask for. Keep taking care of yourself. X


Thank you @Cee I really appreciate that, and also that I’m not totally losing it

Nope your not loosing it. I get angry at people who dont appreciate their parents. I wish I could have a moment with them.
Why did my parents have to go when there are people who really dont appreciate theirs :sleepy:

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