To be honest im not ok , I feel
Like I’m dying from inside 
my heart literally hurts . I smiled but I cried from inside , Im laughing but Im crying from inside, im Alive but im dead from inside. I miss my son so much . This is the first time that his not with us on his little sister’s birthday, my birthday,thanksgiving. Christmas And new year this is the time that I hate holidays and I hated birthdays. I just want any days to be over .it is so hard to move on I don’t think I can do that . My heart is broken into pieces .
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So Sorry you have lost your son and of course you won’t be ok and your heart will be broken into pieces. it’s over 2 years for me and how well I remember that real physical pain in the heart, not just emotional heartache, but squeezing twisting severe pain. I was sure I would die too, people do after the death of loved ones it’s called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy or broken heart syndrome . How could I go on anymore anyway , I was just like the walking dead, as you say dead on the inside.
I remember Sinéad o Connor saying she had been living as an undead night creature since she lost her son , and I so got it. I am lying awake after taking sleeping tablets that don’t seem to have worked, this time of year just seems to stir up memories again , any levelling off of the chaos of the emotional tornado we have been through all gets kicked back up again in our face.
Two years , Two christmases (which incidentally is his birthday, double whammy) and I am still here. Just waiting, that’s the best I can do . Can’t get rid of any of his stuff, but don’t cry every day any more. You will come to terms with it in your own way , accept it, in your own time. Don’t try to rush it , do what you want when you want ,there is no set time. I am sure people think I should be over it by now, no you just get better at hiding it.
Keep coming on here, so much understanding and help from so many going through the same feeling on here. Look for Jim10 comments he lost his 24 year old son he writes so eloquently and seems to describe so well the experience of this journey.
I read somewhere the depth of your pain is equal to the depth of your love, and I feel that’s so true. Be kind to yourself . Jess xx
I had a dream of him last night , he came out from his room wearing his favorite shirt he went to the bathroom then I knock on the door to see him at first he won’t allow me i see him from small space from outside the door that he keep moving like he don’t know what to do so I kneel and I prayed infront of the door then he open the door he go straight to his room , I kneel again and prayed infront of his room . After a few seconds after I prayed he open the door between the door he sit and smile and he let me hug 
. I know that some people don’t believe me but every time im feel so down and lost I always have a dream of him. He always visit me . I prayed that his his safe and happy now:pray:
Yes that’s all we can do is pray they are safe and happy, we have always wanted them to be safe and happy where ever they were, what ever they were doing , we never stop being a mom and worrying about them no matter how old they are.
That sounds like a very comforting dream. Hope you have lots more.