Itās been 4 years since I lost my beautiful Mum and 6 months later my Dad.
I miss them every day particularly my lovely mum who was my friend. Losing her feels like yesterday and despite the time passed I still have days where I struggle immensely to live a normal life without her. So much has happened that I would share with her , good things and challenges that would ask for her advice. I live with my partner of 30 years and have 2 dogs.
Have no kids and what makes it harder is the only sister I have doesnāt bother much with me or able to share memories about Mum.
My anger over the years resulted in falling out with my sisters kids who have now wiped me out of their lives. So I feel totally alone despite my partner.
I find working manageable but struggle with enjoying life or doing things I used to enjoy. An ongoing struggle a bottomless pit and loss of hope in living again as I did when my parents were here.
Those hugs , talks and compliments I used to receive , the unconditional love I used to give and receive , all gone since they left my life , an ongoing emptinessā¦. 
Hi Rob5,
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 
Iām sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Alex
Hi Rob5, your are not alone please believe me, i feel like that somedays ive been angry because of the way i lost my nan its to distressing to put on here.
ive found out who my real friends are and have fallen out with family because im so angry and anxious all the time im wide awake now its 4am i feel sick like a dull ache in my tummy. i would do anything to have my grandparents back as they were my whole world
always here for a chat and remember your not alone 
love chelle x
@Rob5 I cannot believe how much your words resonated with me. Itās almost like I could have written it. I too have been with my husband 30 years. My Dad passed away suddenly 24 years ago this year and more recently my Mum just over a year ago to cancer. Although I am feeling stronger, I still have really bad days and miss them so much especially my Mum who I was extremely close to. I too have fallen out with my brother for reasons I donāt fully understand but I try not to dwell there as itās waste of time and energy. I feel so lost without them and even though I never relied on them as such in my adult years, I sometimes feel in a panic that theyāve left me. Almost like Iām 5 again, itās a weird feeling. Like Iāve lost them in a supermarket, except theyāll be no reunion.
It really is an ongoing emptiness, youāre so right. No one to care that youāve arrived safely somewhere or to call to ask for a bit of advice. Itās hard to look at the road ahead without them too I find. I just feel so sad all the time. Iāve never felt this sad ever.
Awww bless you, ive been up since 4am listening to i did it my way by frank sinatra my nans favourite and burial song, Your right its like loosing your mum/nan/dad in a supermarket and realising your never see them again its gut wrenching 
Im always here if you want to chat as i feel so alone. my daughters are grown up 20 and 24 they are busy at work and uni and voluntary work they are good girls.
so sorry for all your losses its so damn difficult. ive lost 2& half stone since my nan passed. i cry everyday for different reasons. i call cruse helpline 0808 808 1677 and they are great always there or the Samaritans 116 123 please please keep strong.
im a strong believer in we will meet our loved ones when we pass which gives me comfort.
i know my nan wouldnt want me to feel sad but i just ache to hold her one last time and i have her nightdress still smells of her i sleep with it everynight.
Always here
love chelle x
Thank you all for your lovely messages and support and so sorry for your losses too!
I guess itās taking each day , or even every moment which can change in a flash.
The missing never goes but gain some comfort when my mums wind chime I have in my garden sounds , or when I see a visiting Robin. Itās not the same of course and some days are really really tough.
I got a lot out of your messages and thank you again for sharing.
Wish you strength every day to All x 
same here Rob5.
only child. miss them so much. all the time I wasted when they were alive and suddenly, all of that is over. my parents were married 60 years good sweet kind. the best possible.
it is hard but it is life. live as well as you can. not to be grim, but the obits remind me one day I am gone too. so this year I resolved to set aside my grief and go on ā¦ before it is too late.
HI Rob,
What you said about unconditional love resonates with me so much.
No matter what i went through in life my mum was the person i always turned to.
I could talk to her about anyone ,everything and she would give sound advice within what seemed seconds. Somehow she always knew what to say and do in different circumstances and situations.
Yes the compliments were exceptional. No one else seemed to notice if I had my hair a certain way or a new dress on. She did though.
I also feel empty as my mum passed Dec 30th.
Like you I long to share things with her. Even want to show her the dress I bought for her funeral. She would have loved it. She loved shopping and clothes shopping was high on her list even though she was 89yrs old.
When I go to her house I can sense her there so I am not going to sell it just yet. I find it so sad when I walk in but also comforting and I try to carry on thinking she has popped upstairs. How I wish I could turn the clock back.
I hope you keep posting on this site as it has been a gods send for me . The over whelming replies have helped me so much. I realise I am not alone and can reach out to this site anytime.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
@berit wasted time. I think of that a lot. Iāve come to realise that being ābusyā is fake.
@seychelles You could have written that about my Mum. Especially about compliments. If I wasnāt sure on even a pair of shoes, she was the go-to person. āBring your pretties round and weāll have a fashion showā sheād say. Iād know if she didnāt like something as sheād just be silent and not gush! How wonderful that you still have her house! I had a time limit to hand my mumās back as she was in sheltered accommodation for the oldies. It gave me such comfort to be in her home. I too felt she was there. I could almost feel like she was sitting next to me, do you ever get that feeling yourself? I would have held onto it forever if I could. Iāve never been back to have a look as my knees would buckle from under me Iām sure. Her neighbours often call and ask me round for tea but they understand I just canāt. They tell me someone is living in there now which I expected but nonetheless itās of no comfort to me. Itās still very raw for you Iād imagine. Itās been just over a year for me now and although I am stronger than I was, when the bad days come they are just as raw. I just miss her and her cat so much. He was 19 and the love of her life. He passed away 6 months before the exact day she did. Big hugs to you x
@seychelles @Sal46
I also had to hand mums house as private rental. This was another heart wrenching moment. My sister was only interested what she could have and her and my niece who was there also rushing to go.
When they left I spent time in every room of mums house including her little garden sobbing uncontrollably as was feeling my mum in every part of the house and didnāt want to leave 
So I feel you I really do ! x
@Chelle-luan I did it My Way was my mums favourite song too. We would sing it together!
What a lovely send off song 
x
awww beautiful song, my nan didnt want a funeral so they played it at the crematorium bless.
xxx
@Rob5 My brother did the same, even took her deodorant for my sister in law! I too spent time in every room too and I filmed it as well, still canāt look at it but I figured if I didnāt have it then I definitely to wouldnāt be able to. Iāll never forget shutting her front door for the last time. I said out loud ālove you, see you tomorrowā x
Aww Sal46,
Thank you for your kind worse. Yes it has only been a few weeks for me
First thing in the morning it hits me worse. When I wake up and realise she is never coming back. How brave she was at the end. If I can be a quarter of the woman she was I will do ok in life.
Yes I feel her with me. All sorts of times. Especially when I am really really upset. I felt her with me when I was planning her funeral almost wishing me to carry on and be strong and I got a strength form somewhere because everything went as planned.
Wow when you mentioned fashion show that rang a bell for me . I went to M and S after Covid and they had an amazing sale so I bought her loads of things. She couldnāt believe it and started trying clothes on to see which ones fitted etc and then said this is like a fashion show lets have a glass of wine . I think she told that story to so many people afterwards and laughed about it We had great fun that evening.
Yes I agree about being busy is fake. Itās just something to say . I try to keep busy just so I can get through each day until I am a little stronger but in my heart I am just going through the motions. I dont know what else I can do though.
Thanks for reaching out to me and keep in touch You can pm anytime also
Deborah x
Your Mum and my Mum sound like theyād have gotten on extremely well! My Mum did the same and bought some new clothes about a year before she passed as she was losing so much weight. She said she felt a million dollars on our last Christmas day together. People often say Christmas 2020 was their worst but for me it was my best one ever.
Oh yes the mornings. They definitely are the worst. Itās like a thud in the pit of your stomach or like someone has punched you there so hard.
I couldnāt believe what you said about her funeral! I felt the exact same way as you. Iām convinced she helped me plan it because I really enjoyed doing it for her, like it was a party. She loved a party! I visited her in the chapel of rest and was telling her all about it whilst stroking her hair and drinking teaā¦they let me make one for her too. They also bought biscuits in, she would have loved the fuss! I bought a nice top, extremely bright colours which she wanted. I just know she would have loved it just like your Mum and your dress. Itās sad because I remember the day after wanting to talk about it with her and couldnāt. Normally after going to an event weād dissect it and have a good natter. That was hard, plus I felt so drained.
The pain does lessen slightly as time moves on but thatās just because Iām learning now to live beside it, getting used to her not being here. That said, today has been an awful day and I felt like I was back at week one. I think itās a load we sadly get used to carrying not because we want to but because we have to. Some days I feel it more than others, like today.
Iām pleased her home brings you comfort, youāll know when the time is right and maybe that time will never come as you may never be ready or want to and who cares. You do whatever brings you comfort.
Thank you as well for taking the time to reply to me. Your words have helped me so much today. The same goes for you too, please feel free to contact me any time. I may not have any answers but I do understand x
Hi Sal,
As you can tell I cant sleep so am on this site again which is my saving grace.
I have had a few days when i have just cried all day long then the next day just cried a little . Every morning I wake up and cry though. Itās like a wake up call every morning that she is no longer with me . I used to have so many phone call chats with her I was constantly ringing her for anything and everything. Now there are no phone calls and i miss hearing the phone ring so much. I often go to phone her to tell her something then wham it hits me I canāt.
I havent been to her house for approx 10 days now so I am going to go there by the end of the week and stay a few nights.
Am going to try to sort a few draws while I am there. Just one or two because I cant do too much as it will upset me too much.
I went to see my mum at the chapel of rest also. She had lost so much weight. I held her hand and talked to her and sat with her for approx an hour. It was so sad leaving her there and she is back there now because we havenāt placed her ashes in the family grave yet. I am plucking up the courage to organise it.
I know what you mean about wanting to chat to her about clothes. my mum had a wonderful flair for fashion all her life and was very modern in her taste. I even tried on one of her dresses and it looked fab on me and I am 64.
She would have loved my dress and i can hear her saying i used to wear dresses like that when I was younger.
Where do you live? Do you have anyone to support you through all this ?
I have my husband. We have been married for 35 yrs. One son aged 27yrs .
Keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Deborah Bless you not being able to sleep. The middle of the night is when everything can creep in and go under the microscope. Every conversation, things from way back all come to the forefront donāt they. I found in the end Iād let the heart wrenching thoughts in and let them pull up a chair beside me, it was easier than fighting myself. You just somehow canāt comprehend that they are not here anymore. Sheās been the permanent fixture in your life for all of your life and then they are gone in a blink of an eye it feels. Before we could even speak, walk or talk they were the first voice we heard which no matter how old we were, her voice felt like āhomeā. I know what you mean about going to phone her and then realising. I still walk around in disbelief that I canāt phone her, I feel like I have so much to tell her as well. I have never known such silence in my life, itās unbearable.
Yes I do have support thank you for asking. I have the most wonderful husband who I have been married to for nearly 25 years. He lost his Mum suddenly at the age of 15, she was only 38 so he is been absolutely amazing and very understanding.
Take your time with everything from her house to her ashes. They say not to make any decisions within the first 12 months and I would encourage you not to contemplate about doing anything until at least this time next year. If you canāt face things then you just canāt, donāt put any pressure on yourself. I scattered my Mum 10 months after and I wasnāt ready at all. I only did it because I was carrying out her wishes. It changed how I felt for a good few months.
I would love to hear more about your Mum, what she did for a living etc. Where was she born etc. So lovely that you wear her dress. She would be thrilled youāre wearing it Iām sure and it not just sitting in her wardrobe. I hope youāve had a better day today. Thinking of you and sending hugs x
Heart wrenching day today feeling paralysed and being a nurse I find it hard to care give
Oh @Rob5 that crippling feeling is debilitating isnāt it. You feel like your heart is going to burst out of your chest. Iām so sorry you felt like that today. When those days come thereās not a thing you can do other than to ride the storm. The one person you want to care for isnāt here anymore so itās hard to give a damm about someone else. I donāt have a job that makes any difference to anyoneās life like you do but I get the āwhatās it all forā and āwho in the hell cares anywayā. Itās a sad, empty feeling every day right down to your core. I totally get it. Big hugs to you my friend x