@seychelles i agree with what @berit said as it’s 4 years for me and today was a memory I had and truly got me to my gut.
For me I felt worse with time passing and used to scream in anger when people used to say time will make things better. I didn’t want things to get better I just wanted the only person and that was my Mum.
Nothing anyone said helped me and yet was so desperate for people to hear me. Listening to others having lost loved ones and going through this extreme pain helps a bit or quite a bit when compared to those who hadn’t suffered the same way and kept away… counselling was hopeless also.
I learned to live every day with my loss of my idol my Mum.
It is all dependent on the relationship one had with their Mum. My sisters different feelings to mine and my grief reflects on how much my grief differed from hers.
My life changed the day my mum left me and has and will never ever be the same till the day I die and meet with her again. There is a hole in my heart. And although the sleepless nights and uncontrollable screams and howling from pain not as intense the loss I feel today is the same as the day my mum died.
So Deborah sleepless nights and crying is so so normal, don’t compare just take day by day as it changes so so quickly from moment to moment.
I wish you all the strength but it’s about you going through this with no judgement on what you are going through it’s endless but there is hope for some peaceful days ahead.
Always reach out thinking of you Rob x
@seychelles i agree with what @berit said as it’s 4 years for me and today was a memory I had and truly got me to my gut.
Rob, Thank you for thinking of me. I realise this has changed my life for ever. Nothing will ever be the same no matter how many people come into my life. Mum was my inspiration not just for her being my mum but everything she went through in her life and what she gave me but above all else her unconditional love and support. It was an absolute privilage for me to call her my mum.
I am trying to get through each day with keeping myself busy with my daily targets . I call them mums targets as she always set herself small targets to do each day even though she was 89 and consisted mainly of household jobs. She had a wonderful zest for life so I know for sure she would want me to carry on. she was planning to do so much more like buying a new carpet for her lounge and pictures for her walls. Wonderful really when I think of it. She never liked to moan and never complained when she was in pain and just said there are worse off people than me and I am still here so I am not complaining. We had such fun together.
Yes agree each day is different. I am already seeing that. I find when i start doing things it passes the time and yes I get through the day but my goodness it’s tough going. I am beginning to get a few hours sleep now and am feeling a bit better because of that.
Thank you for replying and caring
Hi Deborah. Not a problem at all !
Your mum sounds an amazing lady and some similarities with my mum. Thank you for sharing your special memories of your mum! Take care of yourself and here if you need a chat x
@seychelles Hi Deborah Firstly, I am so sorry for the delay in replying to you, I hope you didn’t feel I was ignoring you, I do hope you’re okay. Your mind must be filled with thoughts of Mother’s Day and tomorrow and feeling very strange that you haven’t had to organise anything. This is my second but feels like the first in a way as I was so numb last year that it came and went with me just rocking back and forth.
I was just reading how you describe your Mum which is exactly the same as mine! She too was talking about getting a new carpet for her lounge. She also never complained of how much pain she was in and would often tell people that there were people far worse off than she was, it used to drive me mad at times as I felt she had a right to complain given how ill she was. I too had a terrible experience with Palliative care I’m sorry to say. I was always told how wonderful they were so I think I was expecting Florence Nightingale to breeze in and make everything seem somewhat better and easier to cope with. Unfortunately, she wasn’t and she was run off her feet and made sure we knew it about it, all the time. She also would like to comment on how there were patients of hers that were in a worse situation than my Mum but that should we need her in an emergency situation that she would do her best. Long story short, that emergency situation occurred two days before my Mum passed away and I couldn’t get hold of her, or anyone for that matter as no one answered my calls. She obviously found out that my Mum had passed as she called me the day after to offer her condolences and she was extremely surprised, why she was surprised I don’t know until this day. I explained that my Mum was particularly good in covering up how she really felt and how much pain she was in. I couldn’t get her off the phone quick enough to be honest. My whole encounter with them was just dreadful and not one I would wish anyone to go through. I really thought that she would be “there” for us but sadly she wasn’t in any way. Lots happened at the hospital and my Mum too was “fast tracked” home, so fast in fact that they didn’t bother with any pain relief so she consequently ended up passing in considerable pain and not peacefully as she should have done. I get really jealous when I hear someone’s Mum managed to pass away peacefully, I shouldn’t but I do and think, why couldn’t my Mum?
I am truly sorry for what you had to go through with your Mum but @Rob5 is so right, you must stop beating yourself up as you are going through enough without not being kind to yourself. You were in total shock in that very moment, you were literally living your worst nightmare and your brain just couldn’t comprehend or even begin to engage with your mouth. Remember that hindsight is a wonderful thing but the flashbacks are unbearable and can bring you to your knees, I truly feel you there.
You asked about the ashes but need to give you a bit of the back story, sorry if it’s war and peace: My Dad passed away suddenly nearly 24 years ago and my Mum held on to his ashes as she didn’t know what she wanted to do with them. Time passed and every now and then we would discuss what we should do and in the end, she reached the conclusion that she would hang onto him until her time came and asked if I would scatter them both together. She told me she would like to be scattered in Cornwall as she and my Dad had some wonderful holidays there together, she told me exactly where as well. A few years before she passed and when she knew she was incurable, she brought the subject up again and told me in no uncertain terms to “get on with it” after she passed away, not to make her wait as long as my Dad has for her.
So fast forward to last year and my husband and I booked a holiday in Cornwall to scatter them which felt very surreal, it was also only 10 months after she had passed away and exactly 23 years to the day my Dad did. In the build up to the day last year, I still wasn’t sure after all these years that I was ready to scatter my Dad funnily enough but still felt I had to carry out her wishes and “get it done” for her. When we did it, in that very moment, I actually felt relief for my Dad instead, that he was finally at peace and free, it was strange as I hadn’t banked on that. What I didn’t know, however, was how I was going to feel about my Mum as I was still pretty numb at that point but in that very moment, I knew I had made a mistake and that I couldn’t get her back now. I simply didn’t realise that I wasn’t ready to let her ashes go yet and it was too late. Before the scattering, I would pretend in my head that my Mum was pottering around her home and garden with her cat, silly I know but it got me through the most darkest of times pretending she was still with me. I’d often look at the time and think, oh she’ll be having her lunch now and watching the news or she’ll be up and into the shower but after the scattering, that disappeared straight away and I couldn’t imagine/pretend anymore. Instead I felt like I was almost forced to have some acceptance before I was ready and I felt like I have made massive mistake since. My husband said I haven’t and that I have carried out her wishes, he is fabulous at making me feel better but I miss being able to pretend. My fantasy world got me through. May be that might have gone anyway by now, who knows but I think it’s a personal choice as to what to do and that no time is ever going to be the right one to let your loved one’s ashes go but for me, I should have listened to someone when they said to me “don’t make any big decisions within the first 12 months”. I think she wouldn’t have minded me pretending and giving it another year. As I have said to you before, don’t think about doing anything until at least next year as you need to see how you feel. You think now that you may be thinking straight but you really are not. It’s only now I am here that I look back to last year and think, I can’t actually remember most of it.
I hope you and @Rob5 can get through tomorrow the best way that you feel you can. After clearing my Mum’s home, it transpired that she had kept every single Mother’s Day card I had ever given her. Some are in scrap books but there are lots she didn’t put into scrap books, she probably got fed up gluing and sticking as I would have done! So I am going to put them all around my living room tomorrow. She also potted a rose when she was able and well and that really needs to be put into the ground as I am worried it may not survive another winter. I bought a rose some years ago in memory of my Dad and also one for my husband’s Mum so we’re going to plant my Mum’s with them. It’s a big thing for me as I have to touch and undo something that she did as she potted it and I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it until now but I feel ready and felt tomorrow was a fitting day to do it.
It’s so hard without our Mums and tomorrow is a painful reminder. I’ll be thinking of you but please go easy on yourself as she will be upset if you’re not.
Please keep reaching out to me whenever you feel you need too x
@Sal46 thank you so so much for sharing your story ! I am upset to hear about your experience with palliative care and very angry !
Your mum wanted you to let her go , so try not to be hard on your self.
Thinking of you today and @ Seychelles too Deborah x
Today I am really struggling and it’s year 4 I would give anything to have my mum back !
Thinking of you both and all that have lost their Mum. God bless xx
Hi Rob and Sal46,
Sal46 don’t apologise. I am so sorry you also went through a terrible time with Palliative care. I am going to write a letter of complaint about them at the particular hospital that my mum was at but am not strong enough yet to do it. I know in my heart though that not all Palliative care staff are like this. The hospital my mum was in has in the past few weeks had two very negative inspection reports for different departments including A and E.
My mum was told she was dying whilst in A and E by 2 doctors but didn’t really take it in as she was so tired The communication by the doctors there was the worst ever to us as a family. Palliative care doctors visited her after approx 12 days and were heartless to say the least. Communication was very blunt and they even laughed when they said although my mum was dying they didnt know how long she had left. This was said to my mum and I without any warning. I am not going to feel like this towards all Palliative care workers though as I know many who have done amazing jobs with friends and family. It will be dealt with when I am ready by bringing it to the attention of the powers of be .
Managed to get through Mothers Day by putting on a brave face to my family. It was so difficult as it was also my birthday. Looking back not as least I got the 2 over and done with on the same day.
Like you I would give anything just to see my mum once again even from a distance.
It all seems unreal. I wake up and think has she really gone? Have we had her funeral? Am I actually sorting her clothes out?
The pain in my heart is the worst pain ever and carrying it around with me every second of every day is exhausting.
It’s a new life for me now just like I guess she would have gone through when people years ago in her life passed. I just wish it could have been different.
I know I was very lucky in having just over 5 weeks with her after being told it was the end and so many people don’t get that chance. I had time to tell her everything I wanted to say to her but it doesn’t make it any easier. There is never enough time in any situation.
Thinking of you both