Today has been incredibly hard. It is the anniversary of my brother’s death. He died aged 19, 37 years ago. I generally feel sad on this date…but this is the first year my mum hasn’t been here. My feelings are all muddled up. I am mourning mum more but it feels so awfully sad that I am the last one of the family who really remembers him…and I struggle to remember him well.
Every year since 1983, I have looked out for mum. For many years after he died, my parents struggled terribly. Dad died 1n 2001 and I have no other siblings. Today I would have been at her house, or she might have come to mine for dinner. I would have tried to make this day a little easier for her…and myself. To be honest…sometimes I felt a little resentful, unreasonably so because my mum never expected anything of me. I would organise my summer holidays around this date, so I could be here for her. Now I don’t have to…but I would give anything to be doing so.
Hi, I had a similar experience in May. My Dad died 20 years ago and my Mum suddenly last October from pneumonia and a heart attack.
Mum and I talked about the upcoming anniversary of my Dads passing with the presumption she would be here. That we would mark it together. On the actual 20th anniversary of my Dad passing, I felt like I was mostly raw and grieving from the loss of Mum. Collectively, it felt like a heavy loss. I felt rather confused.
Hippyhappy, I realise how very hard it is. I’m sorry for both your losses. Take care.
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