My wife passed away to a rare cancer 3 months ago. We were married for 14years and didnt have any children due to her long medical history.
Christmas and New Year I have struggled a little emotionally as she loved this time of year.
S battled with cancer for 3 years and she was so strong in the face of it. But, watching her slowly get worse and not being able to do anything about it has had a big toll on me.
I wake up every day and miss her so much. My life seems empty without her in it. Nothing is the same and I just feel so lonely being on my own again.
Ive joined a local support group and a local sports team to make new friends and just to get me out the house, as i work from home mostly.
I also find I struggle with firsts of everything, first Christmas, first cooking of a meal she loved. I just burst into tears, waves of emotions i cant control. I know it will take time, I’m just exhausted from feeling like this and just want to get passed it.
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Martyn, well done for coming on here. I’m so sorry you lost your wife though. I lost my wife in November so for both of us it’s still early days. I’ve only just been able to cook anything, let alone Mary’s favourite meal!
I think us men think we shouldn’t cry, but crying helps the grieving process. I get good days, bad days and horrible days. Never know which it will be until I get up though. So just let tears glow if that’s how you’re feeling, we all know what’s happening and how you feel. We’re on a road we don’t want to be on and didn’t choose. But take tiny steps and eventually you’ll get there. It’s a marathon not a sprint!
Best wishes, Marnee xx
Tell us how you are, how you feel, and we’ll all be there to support you.
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Hello, I am very pleased I recently found this site after losing my husband in Sept 24, it has helped me, just by reading through people’s post it has given me so much support. I admire you men who have opened up and shared your grief and feelings and happy to share you cry and are still crying.
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Shelly, thank you. I’ve found it really helpful too, and showed me that I wasn’t the only one with the same issues. If I can help anyone going through this by encouraging them a bit, or empathising with them, then I know my wife would be proud of me. She would always help anyone, never say no to a cry for help, and was selfless to the end.
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@Martyn75
So sorry you have had to find your way here, and yes, it’s a shit show, there is no other way to describe it.
I lost my husband in October, when he took his own life.
All I can say, is keep posting and reading, It’s ok to feel not ok; it is normal, it is horrible and cruel, but it is what it is unfortunately.
The firsts will also come at you when you least expect them, they are not just the big ones; the small ones can be as upsetting.
I wish you the very best on this difficult road you have ahead of you. For me although the initial shock has subsided, there are still very bad days, but I also have ok days too, and in time, these days will slowly increase as I learn to live with the grief as a part of me, and not defining me.
Take care of yourself, and am always here to listen.
Helen
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Gavin, I’m pretty sure all the feelings, worries, guilt, numbness and all are normal. I lost my wife in November and everyone was just numb. It was just so unexpected. I’ve been going through all those emotions, as have our 4 children and spouses. I’ve found great help from another thread on here, where there has been such tremendous support for each other. Until it happens, we have no idea what to expect, and unless it’s happened to you, people haven’t a clue what goes on in our hearts, minds and bodies. My brilliant GP told me that the upper chest pain, the feeling of being unable to breathe, leg cramps and not sleeping were all linked to the grief being experienced. I’m only just beginning to cook meals again, manage the paperwork and, just yesterday was the first time I felt motivated enough to start any sort of clearing things. Nothing too personal just drawers containing old make up and things like that. Can’t begin with her clothes at all yet. I still cry at the smallest thing - even now just writing this - and I know my face shows my feelings. Even the GP didn’t ask me how I was, as he could tell by my face!
None of us want to be on this road, a road we didn’t choose but a road we simply have to travel. We all just take baby steps, then either a couple backwards, or seemingly all those we’ve taken already - back to the start, to begin again, just like snakes and ladders. But we just keep going - somehow.
All the best, M
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Thank you all for your supportive words. I’m trying to draw strength from this.
It’s such a horrid thing to experience this. My experience is very similar to you all, two weeks ago I started to get rid of some of Sarahs stuff, small things like her make up, as it didnt suit me. Cant face going through her clothes yet, thats just too painful. She was such a flamboyant dresser and it is all so unique.
But, I have started to make small steps forward, I joined a local support group that meet in person. I’ve also joined the local bowls club as Sarah got me into it last year and made me promise that i would take it up after she passed. As her illness was so long, we put lots of things in place so I wouldnt be on my own all the time.
The guy who runs the bereavement group I go to, explained that the first few months you’re getting over the shock. Then the grieving process starts, it’s the hardest part now, as you adjust to being on your own with your grief.
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Gavin, I’d only had blood tests the week before Mary died, otherwise I’d have probably have had to have tests this week. Sounds like you also have a good GP. Just knowing others have similar things seems to help doesn’t it? Take care.
M
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It’s 2 years this week for me and I still can’t think of getting rid of any of my Sandies stuff…everything is the same in the house 
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UnityMan, I am sorry for your loss, and anniversaries will no doubt always be difficult - I’ve not reached one of those yet! I am finding it quite hard to deal with her clothes, but I’ve now realised how hard it is for me, and how much harder it would be for our children on my death. So I feel that, for their sake, I have to start now. Mary died very suddenly and totally unexpectedly - she’d just had a chest infection, which were quite common for her with asthma and COPD, and I now realise that could happen to me too.
I also need to maximise the value of the residual estate, to show I’ve met the requirements as an executor, as there may not be sufficient equity to repay a loan she had.
But we all have different family situations and are different in how we feel best to handle such things. Take care. M
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Minino, my husband passed in Sept 24, he had been in hospital for six days, he had secondary cancer on the lung and liver, he had bowel cancer in 2022. It was a shock to learn cancer had returned as a result of the bowel cancer. The oncologist informed him with chemo, they were hoping for 4/5 years. He started the chemo end of July 24, every two weeks, but just after finishing the forth round he fell ill with fluid and clots on the lung caused by an infection. On day six in hospital, I was called by the hospital, they told me I needed to return as he had taken a turn for the worst. It was such a shock. I keep reliving that night. I try hard to put it to the back of my mind, but it is not easy. I find it hard to come to terms with and cope with how quick it all happened.
It is good we can share our feeling on this site.
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Hi Shelly,
I had a similar experience to you. My wife had aggressive tumours, she seemed fine the night before she passed. I got a call.at 0430am to head into the hospital. She passed before I coukd get there.
We knew she pnly had a couple of months left, but it still came as a shock. I’m so sorry for yours and everyones loss. It’s the worst thing to go through.
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Shelly, my deepest sympathy. Mary had a number of health conditions, but none particularly life threatening. She had Asthma and COPD and had had a chest infection for a few weeks, being treated with steroids and anti-biotics as was usual for her. She went into hospital on 10 November, and, despite being on 95% oxygen, on 15 November was busy texting people apologising for not having completed some things she was supposed to have done. During 16 November she had a stroke, and I was called to the hospital at 3.15 am on the 17th. She was gone by 11.45. It was the sudden change and speed that stunned everyone.
I keep asking myself if I could have done more, but there was nothing that I thought was majorly different to every other time. Yes, she was shivering, and even said she thought she was dying, which I later found out were possible signs of SEPSIS. So I don’t think I nor anyone else could have saved her, especially as the doctors were unable to do that.
However, I know she didn’t suffer and thankfully went peacefully whilst asleep.
Hugs and much love. M xxx
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Yes my husband took had passed before I arrived at the hospital. I now believe he knew he would pass that night, as when I was leaving him at 7:30 that evening, I said to him ‘see you tomorrow’, but he just kept saying , ‘goodbye’, no matter how my times I kept saying I will see you tomorrow
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Shelly, Mary died with our 4 children by her bedside. She’d previously asked me to run an errand, in the event she was still in hospital on 17 November, which of course I did do for her. Our daughter called me to tell me to come back, but I said I couldn’t. I’d have been letting Mary and her other Franciscan friends down if I had done. She was always one to say yes, with a big smile, whatever the cost to her. Just like her parents did to her, she chose that very time to go, So I feel she was trying to spare me the added anguish of actually seeing her die in front of me.
Strangely she’d had an episode the day before, where she was shouting no, no, and fighting with our children. It was like one of her frequent nightmares, so I moved in to comfort her. Her eyes were wild and she was hitting me and still shouting no. I said at the time that it was as if she was fighting with the devil. But maybe she wasn’t prepared to go when I was still there?
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So sad all these messages.
I am pleased to share my grief with people the understand.
Best wishes to all of you.
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@Martyn75 You are doing incredibly well, joining a support group and local bowls club. Like you, I too am 3 months in.
It’s a maelstrom of shit, of course it is, it couldn’t be anything else. Your comment about the make up made me smile. Sarah sounds brilliant, with her flamboyant style. Good for her! I got rid of some old work clothes my husband used to wear when chainsawing wood etc outside. they were full of holes and what have you, but the rest of his stuff is mostly still as it was. There is no pressure to do anything with it. I will know when the time is right, until then, it stays where it is.
As first mentioned, I can’t really offer words of comfort or advice, except to say, do whatever you want to do, but at your own pace. You will know when the time is right, until then, just roll with whatever emotion decides to knock on your door on the day. No use fighting it, for it will win in the end. And yep, it’s incredibly exhausting too.
Take care of yourself.
H
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Hi Helen,
Im sorry for your loss. I am taking things at my own pace. I hope you’re getting through this without too much pain. It is the worst thing ever and there is nothing you can do to get rid of it.
Take each day as it comes. X
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12 months in for me now after my wife died… we had 23 days from diagnosis until pancreatic cancer took her. Past the shock stage and can function… single parenting our 11 yr old daughter. I miss her like hell and still cant believe shes gone… but am resolute I will live on for her and when able to thrive. You are not alone… theres an army of grievers it there.
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