Over the last three years since she left me I’ve leant heavily on this group for support and sometimes felt able to give advice and comfort to those that have lost a partner very recently . Everybody copes differently . I’m envious of people that can come to terms with life fairly quickly. That doesnt mean that they care any less but just that they can accept things that they have very little control over. Im not like that . I’m better off than some I’ve got friends and family that are close that I see on a regular basis. When I see them the first thing they say is ’ how you doing’ and I say ’ I’m fine’ but I’m really not. Don’t get me wrong I’m not about to do something silly but it concerns me that when asked I lie. Even after three years theres tears most days. I cant be the only one that copes like this surely.
I have just passed the year mark of my partner going, and have come to hate the question how are you? Even though i know it always comes from a place of genuine care, but giving the response of “im ok” hurts my heart. Like you, i am grateful for my friends and family but i am acutely aware of not always being ‘a downer’ to them, so i say “im ok”. Take care of yourself and reach out when you have to!
I don’t think you are the only one… we’re not really helping ourselves by saying “I’m okay” are we?
My counsellor and HR manager asked me to practice a few polite ways to say “I’m not okay” when I told them what I really wanted to say when people asked how I am.
Along the lines of…
I appreciate you asking but today’s not a great day…
Thank you for caring, I’m struggling at the minute…
This gives those who really care the opportunity to help, or ask more questions, and we haven’t denied how we really feel.
I don’t know if this will be any use to you… I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Hi Peter, my loss is more recent my wife passed a little over ten weeks ago, like you our lives were comfortable,since her passing most family and friends have disappeared into the ether,some couldn’t even be bothered turning up for her funeral,my life is now a combination of anger and devastation.
I’m only 4 months in and already people ask how I am and are expecting me to reply that I’m doing ok. And that my kids are doing ok.
Or I get “ good to see your doing well. You’re looking really tanned - have you been on holiday ?
I’m tanned cos I have to walk the dog and do the garden all on my own - I’m out cos I have to walk the dog and do the shopping and do everything now I am a sole parent.
I find it really hurtful that people believe I can move on so easily - but now just smile and say I’m fine. My closest family and friends know how hard every day is and the rest of the world doesn’t matter. They will understand one day but I suppose they dont mean harm by what they say.
They don’t want me to be sad and in pain.
That’s got to count for something.
I think we tend to say we are ok because we think no one really wants to hear the truth.
I no I have been asked this in many forms before and I have told the truth and seen how uncomfortable it can make some people so I just say now I’m fine. Since my partner died all I seem to say is . It is what it is. I just don’t no what els to say.
I’m so sorry for your loss she was obviously a special lady.
I lost my husband of 41 years 17 months ago. Despite good friends and family life is lonely.
I was watching actress Jill Halfpenny talking about the question are you ok? She said it’s too big of a question so you just say I’m ok. She was asking people to narrow it down - did you manage to go shopping today… then you can say specifically I got the shopping but I missed this or thought of him when buying whatever… I thought it was good advice. It gives you the chance to talk about your partner too use their name etc.