My darling mum died 15 july 19. Secondary ovarian cancer in her liver. She was 71.
My dad had died 4 years and 11 months exactly before her, of picks disease. After a long, degrading time of him being taken from us over 7 years.
Mum survived just over 2 years from initial diagnosis.
Being an only child is so lonely. My partner readily admits he doesn’t know what I’m going through, my boys are caring, but teenagers.
And being surrounded by men, they dont just chat for the sake of it, like mum and I did.
I miss that. I miss her calling me, so tell me what shes had for lunch, or what such and such friend had said. I want to tell her so much, stuff going on, new tv programmes she would love. I watch them for her.
Our local shop has had a refit she would have wanted to go in.
I had counselling via cruse, finishing just after lockdown started. I made sure I had it, as I really struggled after dad died.
But I feel so bad. Still having thoughts, about how long it will be before I see her…I cant bear the thought that it could be 50 years. Part of me wishes I was with her. So us three were together again. Like old times.
Dad came to visit me in a dream, 7 months after he died. He said he was ok, he was still here, with me. But I’ve only had dreams with mum in the background. Only 1 where she talked to me, and that was only about what was happening in the dream.
Her house is nearly sold, just a few more weeks before completion. Then I cant even go there to breathe in her bedroom. It scares me.
I cant see anything to look forward to. Even my boys growing up, moving out, getting jobs, just seems pointless without her to share it with.
My partners parents are ok. But his mum keeps her distance unless asked. His dad is useless, hardly ever comes to see his grandsons. He only has two.
My dad would have loved being with the boys, cricket, walks, sharing, teaching, cuddling and fun. He would have been amazing. But they get none of that. It breaks me heart.
I dont seem to have the mental strength to do much. I get by during the day…pretending I’m ok. And everyone thinks I am, I must do a good job.
But I’m really not, and I dont seem to be able to show them I’m not, for fear that they’ll say…dont be silly, you’re ok. Focus on something to keep your mind off it.
I dont want my mind off it…I want it on it. On them.
I thought I’d bought up my family to be kind and caring boys. And maybe they will be one day.
But I want to be taken care of for once. I helped mum care for dad. I cared for mum, physically and mentally. Whilst caring for my partner, has crohn’s, my children, building a house, moving area, twice and everything else in between.
I now have autoimmune arthritis, due to the stress of last 13 years. On two nasty drugs, that luckily are keeping me stable. Lovely consultant, but he also said, at least when house is sold, you can out it all behind you.
Hey, so sorry you lost your lovely mum. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to share things with her, and because you can’t, nothing interests you. Same here - if I get married, have kids, my dad won’t be here to see it, so I have no idea how I move on with my life. Even my career, which my dad cared about so much, what use is it going back to it if he won’t be here to share the joy with?
It’s so difficult, I hope your sons are able to look after you when they get a bit older.
Thanks Abdullah, yeah, it’s so hard.
All I want is peace, maybe to get my head around it, maybe just to rest, but peace.
I hope you also find some healing space. At least I know my dad is still watching me. I thought mum and i were so close, was so sure she would come and talk to me in my dreams.
I’m sure your dad is still watching, caring and trying to be near you too.
The other thing that makes me believe that us that I went to see a very good spiritualist 18 years ago. She spoke so clearly of my nan, mums mum. Said she was holding a child who would be with me, within a year. I was pregnant 10 months later. Everything she described about me nan was spot on. I had never seen her before. She was amazing.
Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. Thank you. X
So much of your post I could have written. I lost my beloved mum in june 19 when I was 48. I had already lost my dad when I was 27.
Both died very suddenly with no time to prepare or say goodbye.
I have a lovely partner and a 13 year old daughter but neither are good talkers and they dont understand how my mum ‘got’ me.
We watched tv together, had pub lunches, shopped for clothes together and just sat at the end of the day with a cup of tea or a glass of wine to mull the day over or catch up on gossip.
I’ve lost my absolute best friend and feel very alone even though I’m not.
I do have a sister but she wasnt close to mum. She certainly wasnt part of her every day life and she never mentions her so I feel like an only child.
Being an orphan with no parents before I’m even 50 has shocked me so much.
I also cannot face life without mum and never look forward to anything which really disappoints my partner and daughter.
So I really do understand how you are feeling.
Cheryl x
Oh Cheryl, I’ve found me. Almost to the age. I’m 47, nearly 48. Thank you.
You’re right, just losing my best friend has destroyed me. Just having a chance to chat, to catch up on gossip. On people we both know in my home village where mum still lived, before she had to move in with me whilst she was really poorly.
I think the fact that she went downhill so quick after her original chemo stopped working. They tried another. 4 days later I had to rush her into hospital. They said then that the chemo had actually speeded up the cancer and that she had weeks. I worked really hard to get her into a care facility in my village, whilst trying to help my year 6 child finish his year, and year 11 do gcses. It took 2 weeks to get her moved. Then we had 2 weeks, settling her in, getting her room arranged, bringing things from home. Soending as much time with her as possible. Then suddenly 2 weeks later, she was in so much pain on the monday morning, they called me. She was gone by midnight.
The day before she had been so alive, as much as she could be. Laughing, talking watching the tennis final, cricket final. I was devastated.
She was my world. My best friend. No one else compares, even some very close friends. Of which are wonderful, but I still feel I cant keep talking to them.
I’m so glad I’ve found you.
Had your mum been I’ll before, she suddenly passed away?
How was your mum when your dad died?
It feels weird to connect with someone who feels as broken as I do.
Hi
We have very similar feelings. My mum was my best friend all my life and when I found myself single and pregnant my mum brought up my daughter with me.
My mum stayed with me 3 days a week to help me with childcare and then in july 2018 she moved in full time which I loved.
My mum was 74 and very happy, lively and spritely. She only had arthritis and apart from that, loved life. We had such a laugh together.
On the 2nd june 2019 my mum was in the kitchen acting weirdly. She seemed disorientated but insisted she was just tired and needed more sleep. I wasnt happy but she told me not to make a fuss and go to work. 12 hours later my partner convinced her to go to hospital where it was confirmed she had suffered a mini stroke.
She was kept in hospital for 5 days where they discovered that her carotid artery was 95 percent blocked. She was at a very high risk of a massive stroke so agreed to have an operation to clear the blockage. She was very happy and cheerful and I left her at the entrance to the operating theatre.
I said ‘dont worry mum we will have a big glass of wine when you are better.’
I never saw my mum again. She suffered a bleed on the brain whilst in the recovery room. The operation had gone well so I have no idea why it happened. She died a few hours later.
To this day I have not got over the shock of losing her and I’m just existing in all honesty.
I try and smile with my daughter but I’m a very unhappy person.
I will live the rest of my life without her and will make the best of it but I can say with certainty that I will never be happy and have lost a huge part of me.
It was a huge shock when my dad died of a sudden heart attack aged 53 but mum kept busy and helped look after my sisters children then my daughter.
X
I’m so sorry you lost your mum so suddenly. It must have been awful. I really feel for you.
I do think that sometimes, life after loosing a person you cared so much for just feels like you are putting one foot in front of the other all day. Just going through the motions.
Today I had a phone call to say that my mums pony had been put to sleep. Mum had owned her for 33 years. She was an RDA driving pony. Ginger was 35 years old. She was amazing, so gentle, with a great sense of humour.
It has made me feel mums loss even more, I wanted to call her to tell her…of course, that’s not possible. But I’ve struggled to stop crying since…concentration is impossible. And thanks to bloody covid and shielding (me) I wasnt able to enjoy her last summer with her. Heart broken.
Oh no. What awful news.
It really is just one thing after the other isnt it?
You’re right. Its putting one foot in front of the other. Even that’s hard to do at times.
I dont even know if I want life to get enjoyable again without my mum. Sounds awful I know.
It seems that there are do many going through through the loss of their mum on this site at the moment.
Hope things get a bit better for you x
