Missing mum so much!

I lost my mum to ovarian Cancer last May after a long & awfully slow decline of 7years. Got grief counselling before and after her passing away, felt like I was coping for a good six months, but am now really struggling-Depression has hit me like train, unable to sleep/eat, anxious, overwhelmed by life, just feel terrified by this change in me and perspective,& at times being alone is just too much.

Hi JK and welcome to our site. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and the awful seven years that she was ill.

Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, and some people do find that it hits them more some months afterwards. I’m glad that you’ve found our site, as it’s a good place to get those emotions out and find others who understand.

Hopefully some of our other members will be along to reply to you soon, but in the meantime, you may be interested in reading and replying to these recent conversations from members who’ve also lost parents:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/dad
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/cant-forget-my-mothers-last-days

If you ever feel like talking one-on-one,Cruse Bereavement also have a helpline where you can talk to trained bereavement experts on 0844 477 9400.

Hi Jk76, I’m so very sorry to hear about your mum. I really can empathise - my mum died in December (maybe take a look through my previous posts). I’m only 2 months in, and often feeling like I’m doing ok, but also often teetering on the edge of falling into that pit of despair, as sometimes I actually do. At the time, crying and screaming, I feel like I won’t get out of that pit, then I make myself have a cup of tea and watch some rubbish on TV for a healthy dose of escapism and I find I’m able to climb out and calm down. I then manage to do ok for another few days before I fall again. I expect this to continue, if not get worse before it gets better, but I don’t want to look too far ahead. I just wanted to say I am here, in a similar situation to you - it sounds like I am where you were at this point - coping just about ok. Tipping into depression is always a possibility. I think it is great you have recognised that’s where you are - that’s the first step to managing it. One day at a time. So, with that in mind, how have you been today?

Louise x

Hello Louise,
Thank you so much for your words of understanding and empathy. I’m so sorry you are in throws of this grief also.
To answer your question of how am I today…
I’m at work which feels like a huge achievement as the pull to just stop and hand myself over to despair is so strong.
I’ve reached out to friends, as since loosing mum I feel rudderless and feel I need to find who my ‘family’ is again. I don’t have a father, a very emotionally distant brother and an Aunt who lives a long way a way, but I am reaching out which I feel is saving me.
I put so much energy into caring for mum, her elderly husband (not my father) my brother arranging Her funeral exactly as she wanted it and now feel utterly depleted, and lost at times.
A good friend suggested meditation and yoga, I do both for 10 mins each morning and each night, it’s helping to ground the despair and ‘thinking’ a d just allowing myself to ‘be’.
So a long answer but that is where I am today, trying to ‘be’ breath and nurture myself with enjoying the rain, sunshine etc. Tonight I go to a group for people who have lost someone to Cancer, it won’t be easy but I hoping will aid me feel less alone.
I thank you from my heart for touching base, & how are you today Louise? How are you doing on this journey, do you have an outlet for your grief?

Thinking of you also, your not alone,
Julia

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Hi Julia and Louise,

It’s sad to see how many new members have joined up recently after losing their mums, but I’m glad you can talk to each other.

I’ve just started a new conversation about Mother’s Day. If you’re finding things tough this weekend, this is a good place to share how you’re doing and get support: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/all-you-without-your-mums-mother’s-day

Hi Julia,

I’m so sorry for the delayed reply - I was out of the country on a short break, purposefully getting away from the dreaded mother’s day commercial bombardment.

How did your support group go? ‘Mindfulness’/mediation/yoga is definitely meant to help - I maybe need to do that more. I have a very supportive husband and some good friends, and am just about to start having some counselling sessions - I think I have enough of an outlet for my grief but also find it helpful talking to people who really understand, like you and others on this forum. Just like you, I feel I have lost who my family is - I’m not close to my dad, I have a brother I am close to but who lives quite far away so I don’t see/speak to him much, and he has his own family, and extended family are not on the radar for various reasons, nor will they be. It was mum that made me feel part of a family - from what you say, I’m sure that is the same for you. Just something we’ll have to get used to.

Today, I am ok thank you, getting out the country and going somewhere different did me good, even if just temporarily. Feeling a bit glum now I’m home - thoughts are returning…

Have you managed to get away at all? And how was your weekend?

Louise x

Hi Louise,

No apology needed, I know we all have our lives to lead.
Your break away sounds lovely, I went away with my best friend in Nov last year and it was a real tonic, really recharged me.
It was the lead up to mothers day that knocked of the horse do to speak, I did what felt right, went to mums house-nothing has changed, her clothing items etc are all in the same place, as my step father needs/wants it to be. I thought this would be harrowing on Mother’s Day but actually was felt a clones to mum I miss so much, like i was getting a bitter/sweet sense of her.

I too have good friends and my husband is very supportive, but feel I get total and complete understating from others berieved. The group was a great outlet for ‘yes I feel that way to’ and quiet cathartic, it left me with a more solid feeling of ‘thank goodness I’m not the only person who’s hit a wall of depression’ helped to normalise what I’m going through on a deeper level than, well meant words from family.

I’ve also been to, 1 to 1 counselling and found very helpful at the beginning,& recently returned for a couple of sessions, I hope you find it helpful/an outlet/some kind of support.

So my weekend was very emotionally draining, but I’m very pleased I went to mums grave-sat and chatted to her,& was left with a feeling of connection despite/as well as the sadness and longing for her company.
Your family support sounds similar to me, extended family are not in the picture, my brother isn’t emotionally available, but I do feel fortunate to have an Aunt who is in her own way loving… Not like mum though!
Thank you for sharing with me Louise, I do hope you have a good week.
When are you starting the counselling?
Take care
Jules.

Hi Louise,

I am feeling the same as you did when you wrote this post. My mum died three months ago. I do the screaming and crying fits then force myself to watch trashy t.v ( I can’t work, I am too distraught) I have become addicted the real housewives of Beverly hills and orange county and for some bizarre reason the crime channel I.d all about gruesome murders and terrible loss, I think it makes me feel better because I realise things could be worse for me and the mystery of solving the crime is interesting so it really takes my mind off mum but the minute I stop watching or doing things I start melting down again. The doctor prescribed me prozac, beta blockers and a short month of diazapem, the prozac made me worse, I could barely move from the bed and I had to stop it. I am going to a spiritual yoga retreat for a month instead, it is in Mexico so just getting on a plane and travelling across Mexico will be a huge challenge, I hope I can do it and I hope the retreat helps me. I wanted to k ow how you are now and how long it took for you to start to cope better and if you have any tips for me?

Hugs,
From one heartbroken Louise to another.