Hi Rachel
Hope you enjoyed your walk with dog and husband. Really glad to hear that Jenny is now enjoying better conditions. I bet you can’t wait to get her. Poor thing being cooped up in a tiny cage. She will have such a wonderful life when she comes to live with you.
Yes I think Christmas is going to be hard in so many ways this year. It used to be only the 3 of us for Christmas, so its going to be very empty. We used to go to a lovely hotel in the Lakes about the second week in December before the Christmas rush but when all the decorations were up. Mum loved it… I can hardly bear to think about it. She came to us for 2-3 days every Christmas and it was all centred round her. She just loved the lights and I used to go over the top with the table decorations - she was such fun. And we always went out on Christmas morning to a local beauty spot and had snacks and mulled wine on Christmas morning. I can’t believe that we will never do that again with her. We did talk about going away for Christmas this year but it so expensive and the reality of sitting in a little studio flat in the Lakes (that’s about all that is available now) with just the two of us seemed really miserable - especially if the weather is bad. So we will probably stay at home and I will pretend Christmas isn’t happening!! Oh I know I sound so miserable!
I have been really low this week. Had to do a lot of paperwork relating to the sale of Mum’s flat and it really got to me and then the final straw was we have ordered me a new mobile phone and I remembered I often used to show photos to Mum on my phone (really silly) and then that started me crying and I couldn’t stop and got into a right old state. My poor husband! I don’t know if that happens to you but sometimes just when I feel I’m making a bit of progress and have gone a couple of days without tears, something like the phone takes me by surprise and I feel like I’m back at square one. I guess that’s the way grief works.
Anyway I have been trying to keep busy and we have done a nice walk this morning and are just about to go and have a game of golf - and the sun is out as well.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Bye for now.
love and hugs
Helen x
Hi Rachael02
It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to face and feel I ever face losing my mum like you it’s heart breaking, I lost her 2 months ago and I feel like a switch has been flicked as I get upset at the slightest of thing and then feel ashamed to crying in front of people as they don’t know what to say our do and you just hear words. But the pain is still there hurting
Take care here to chat
Xxxx
Hi Shelbel,
I am so sorry that you have lost your mum. It is, as you rightly say the hardest most painful experience ever. Losing my mum has made me feel a part of me has gone. I had absolutely no idea just how much I loved my mum. My mum died in April and I still have days when I cry all day so don’t be hard on yourself, certainly don’t be ashamed. The days pass by and you will slowly have glimpses of your new normal life without mum. Do you have family or friends around you that you can talk too? I have never thought that counselling was something for me but I do find that helps. Talking to people on here really helps me. I hate to think of others feeling like I do but it also gives me comfort to know I am not alone or going mad. Grief is massive and different for all of us so you need to do what is best for you and if it means crying all the time so be it. You literally have to take it hour by hour and day by day. Don’t put any pressure on yourself and just do what you need to do.
Sending you a hug, say in touch.
Rachel x
Hello Helen,
Well, I went to my first actual yoga class last night. It was amazing, but I also felt quite emotional for some reason. It ,was good to see the others. It was just a class of 5 plus the instructor but a start. It is so hard to get into the classes because of the reduced numbers. I can’t get in again until the 13th October but everyone needs to have a chance to go.
Yes we had and continue to have some nice walks. The evenings are drawing in now so we have to make the most of the day light. How is the weather in your neck of the woods? It looked like it was getting cold?
I went to a card shop to buy a birthday card on Friday. I walked in and straight away saw a card saying Happy Christmas Mum. I cried all day. I haven’t had a day like that for a while but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like you it took me by surprise. I wonder if the lockdown restrictions will be good for us as we wouldn’t be able to do what we would have done normally? What ever happens it is going to be a very sad time for us. It sounds like you had a fabulous time at Christmas with your mum, she was truly spoilt. I love the sound of the hotel before Christmas.
I am so sorry you have had a low week, it must be so hard dealing with your mums flat. A normal house sale is hard enough. You are having to deal with all the emotions too. I am in two minds, sometimes I just want it sold and then other times I don’t.
I am still managing to work (just) my mind just seems to wander and I can’t focus properly.
Well, I should be working Helen so I had better at least try.
Take care of yourself and stay in touch.
Sending you my love
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Oh I do feel for you. The Christmas card is making me cry now. It is often the little things that really affect you and you just can’t explain it to anyone - there is no logic.
I am still ploughing through the paperwork for the sale of the flat, which as you say is stressful at the best of times. But its going through all the details that get to me. Things like are you leaving the curtains - Mum was so proud of the curtains in her sitting room and it is so upsetting. Anyway I have almost finished and then will have to wait for all the daft questions that you usually get asked with selling property - oh I am so cynical!!
Glad to hear that you enjoyed your yoga class. Clive and I are going to a ‘real’ class tomorrow. We are looking forward to it but I’m a little concerned about how safe it is. I seem to get very anxious about everything these days.
I appreciate how difficult it must be to get on with your work. I find it hard to concentrate and I am so forgetful (mind you that is probably just old age!).
Take care. Bye for now.
Love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Sorry it has been a while since I have written.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with the sale of your mum flat. It must be so hard. It is not something we had ever probably thought about having to do is it? As far as I remember you have also finished your counselling so you can’t even off load there.
I have been having quite a few bad days recently. Although I know I need to be back at work I am finding that work days aren’t so bad because I am busy but the days I am not working I feel myself slipping into a real low. I had an awful bout of anger over something so silly. My mums neighbour had put some garden refuge in my mums bin, I was absolutely fuming!! In the whole scheme of things what does it matter but it really made me so angry which of course turned immediately to tears. I was so irrational about it. Thankfully I didn’t see them straight away so had chance to calm down. I am sure I would have said something I later would have regretted.
I am trying to think of some good news to lighten the mood but finding it hard. How was your yoga class, did you both enjoy it? Will it be a regular thing now? I have managed to get in for a session next week but only 5 per class. I keep telling myself to embark on “the couch potato to 5K” but would struggle to bend over and tie my laces at the moment. The rain keeps putting me off too. All I seem to do is lately is walk the dog or watch telly, feels like I have lost my way again. My counsellor feels it may be because my brain is trying to cope with the grief but also trying to think about work so I am exhausted. Its my birthday this month too, I can’t stop thinking about mum not being here with me.
It will be so good when there is no longer need for the current restrictions, its hard not being able to make plans and have anything to look forward to.
Oh dear I do apologise for my moany message. I hope you have had a better few days and that you are keeping well.
Sending you my love and a hug
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Apologies for not replying sooner. I can’t believe the days go by so fast when I’m not doing very much! I’m so sorry to hear that you have been having some bad days but I have been exactly the same. I have been surprised how bad I have felt as it is almost 5 months since Mum died and I was beginning to have some better days. Its silly things like you finding the garden refuge in your Mum’s bin. I would have felt exactly the same. It is so illogical isn’t it?! When I last went to Mum’s flat I bumped into the Manager’s wife and she asked me how I was and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying all the way home. Poor woman - she looked so shocked. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad. I remember thinking -“I bet Rachel would understand”. I haven’t got too much more to sort out at the flat and the sale seems to be progressing well but when I go there I often just feel overwhelmed with emotion. We had such good times there but it is also where she died and I keep getting really vivid flash backs of being with her in that last week. I am taking most of her little ornaments and knick knacks to charity shops as I just haven’t got room for them and a lot of them I can’t bear to look at. She loved all of her ornaments - especially donkeys (I am keeping those) and I feel so disloyal giving them all away. She would probably tell me off for being silly. It will probably be better when the flat is sold but I know I will be upset about that as well.
We had our second yoga class today (like you only 5 of us in a huge hall) and we both really enjoy them being “live” classes. Still enjoying the golf but getting a bit frustrated when I keep hitting the ball along the ground so have another lesson booked. I should imagine that just walking your dog keeps you pretty fit.
My environment group activities have gone down to 2 hours a weeks from now on (during the winter months). I have been really enjoying them and dread the shorter days and longer nights as I’m not sure what to do with myself some days and there is nowhere to go to at night during this horrible pandemic. (Shouldn’t moan - its the same for everyone).
I have now finished my Sue Ryder counselling sessions (which were really good) and am going to see a new counsellor next week as I still feel pretty shaky.
Hope you have been having some better days. I have been thinking about you a lot. Take care and keep in touch.
With lots of love
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Unfortunately another bad day. Tears on and off all day today. I have made myself a cup of tea and thought I would sit down and send you a message. Exactly like you, when I am down that dark pit of despair and the world seems to be rushing past without me I also think “I bet Helen would understand.” I think if we were too meet we would just sit and howl and not say a word to each other. You may not know this Helen but you have been a massive support to me from afar.
I wasn’t prepared for it to get so difficult again. Its like we are walking through life which is like treacle right now and this monster grief keeps tugging at our sleeves.
It must be so hard taking mums bits to the charity shop. Its lovely you have kept the donkeys. They will make you smile when you look at them. Some of my mums bits are in a storage unit that my son kindly arranged. He popped in the morning and we did mention we needed to get it sorted. That set me off.
I went for a lovely long walk along the beach with a friend this morning. it was a bit chilly but the sun was shining. We walk and put the world to right. She has a lot going on in her life and it does me good to listen to someone else. I must say I can’t remember half of what she says but I know we both feel better after our walk and coffee. I have also picked up some hedge trimmers from the hire shop as we plan to prune the hedge this weekend. We have waited for the baby sparrows to leave the nests. The hedge is always alive with them but need to get it done now. I will put out some extra meal worm as way of an apology afterwards.
I came home and heard there is a viewing at mums, that set me off again.
No dog walks this weekend as our dog Baxter twisted his back in the week and is not allowed any exercise. He has been prescribed anti-inflammatory/pain relief medication and is feeling very sorry for himself.
I hope that you find the new counsellor to be of a good support. I find I get quite anxious before I speak to mine, not sure why.
I suppose there is just less to do for your environmental group in the winter months. Also I imagine that golf will be affected by the shorter days and weather. Like you I am absolutely dreading this winter.
Well I have in fact had two cups of tea and stopped the snotty hysterical crying, so once again you have helped and for that I thank you.
I hope you have a good weekend with some smiles thrown in for good measure. I will be thinking of you Helen.
Sending my love to you and thinking of you.
Rachel xx
Oh Rachel
I found your message so touching and feel the same way and really appreciate your support. It is so good that we can be there for each other even though we are so far apart. I am so sorry that you had another bad day. I am the same. Just when I think I’m doing pretty well the tears come from nowhere sometimes. I think you are right about having a good howl if we were to meet. At least we would understand each other. I have been over to the flat again today and managed not to cry until I was just about to leave and then howled all the way home - I’ve never heard such a noise - I don’t know where it comes from!
Glad to hear that you had a good walk with your friend. It really does help to take to someone doesn’t it. I had a really long phone chat with my friend in London yesterday and felt much better for it. She lost her Mum a long time ago so it makes me appreciate how long I had mine.
Hope the hedge trimming went well and that the sparrows forgave you for disturbing them. It sounds really nice to have a hedge full of sparrows.
Poor Baxter! I don’t blame him for feeling sorry for himself. I bet he can’t understand why he isn’t going for walks at the moment. Hope he gets better soon.
I was out with the environmental group this morning , raking up grass cuttings so that the wild flowers will grow next spring. It was hard work but good fun working with the group - at a social distance of course.
Clive and I are playing golf again tomorrow so we are hoping for some good weather. We have now joined the golf club for a year and everyone is very friendly and tells us we must come over for the social golf when you get to play with other members. Very kind of them but I think I would die of embarrassment - I am so bad, and I’m not just being modest! Anyway it gets me out of the house and give me something to concentrate on.
I have been thinking about you a lot today Rachel and do hope you are having a better day.
Sending much love and a big hug.
Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
Lovely to read your message.
I had a rather strange weekend. I went over to the storage container to have a look at what was in there with my son. I was really surprised as it didn’t upset me. I think it was because although it was mums things they weren’t in her home. We both had a look through and shared some memories of mum. We have made a plan to have it sorted ASAP. We then went for coffee and cake so that was nice. Again we chatted away about mum. When I got home the hedge had been done, Andy managed it on his own. Yes, sparrows are all back in situ and we have been forgiven. So Saturday was going quite well until the estate agent called with an offer on mums bungalow. What a strange feeling isn’t it. I was filled with so many emotion all at once. I have accepted the offer so I am now joining you on the journey of selling our mums homes. No wonder you had wobbly days a while ago. I am walking in your shoes now and it does knock you for 6!
Glad that your chat with your friend made you feel better. People that have lost their mums are the only people that truly understand how you are feeling. I think I have come to terms with the fact I will never get over this but hopefully find a way to live with it.
Joining the golf club!!! get you. What a fantastic thing to do. Once all these horrid restriction are over it will be lovely to make new friends and join in with social events. I am sure your golf will also improve. How lovely to have a joint hobby with your husband. If you are really as bad as you say at least you make others look really good. So everyone will be queuing up to play against you.
Well Helen, I got up early this morning and have started day one of “couch potato to 5K.” I have no idea how far I will get but I am just focussing on the fact I did it this morning.
Baxter is starting to feel better and is now getting bored. He just wants to play. I took him on a very short walk during my lunch break today. It did settle him back down. Two more days of medication and if no problems he can have longer lead walks.
How are you being affected by the COVID restrictions? Have they been lifted at all where you live? I am getting fed up with not being able to make plans. I think we would be better if we had things to look forward to. Like you I can feel my anxieties rising when I do plan to do the smallest thing.
Well I am going to sign off now.
Please stay in contact. Sending you my love and a hug.
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Glad to hear that looking at your Mum’s things in the storage area wasn’t upsetting. And clever you, having coffee and cake with your son, while your husband cut the hedge! Yes selling our Mums’ homes is a very emotional experience. At the moment I am anxious that everything goes through quickly so we don’t get caught up in another lockdown but I know when I get an exchange date I will probably be very upset. I am limiting the time I spend at the flat these days as I always end up in tears if I stay too long. Yes, I feel very posh being a member of a golf club, I just need to get all the right gear to wear now… oh and perhaps I had better learn how to actually play golf!!! Have a lesson on Friday as I am fed up hitting the ball along the ground all the time.
Well done you for starting your couch potato to 5K. I have never really got into running, which is a pity as it is a good way of getting fit.
Glad to hear Baxter is getting better. I bet he is really missing his walks.
With regard to the the new Covid restrictions we are in Tier 2 but strangely can now go into someone’s garden. Not sure how long that will last but we have invited some hardy friends over for coffee and cake in the garden on Sunday, unless it pouring with rain. I fear we may get put into Tier 3 soon as infection rates in the North seem to be rising rapidly, although our little corner still has quite a low rate.
Anyway better sign off now as we are taking part in a Zoom Quiz tonight, which is always a bit of fun.
Take care and stay in touch.
All my love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
How are you?
I hope you managed to have your friends over for coffee and cake. It is so important to see people isn’t it. I was very lucky to have my sons and grandson to dinner yesterday. It was so nice to have people about and listen to their conversations and laughter. Where I am now working from home I can’t go out with the dog as much so I really notice the silence. I can remember looking forward to having time alone but now I hate it.
Mums bungalow seems to be moving really quickly. I have received a massive wad of paperwork from the solicitor. I opened the envelope, couldn’t face it and have put it in a cupboard. I know I will have to go through it but feeling rather anxious about looking at it. I have applied for the order of Probate but have no idea how long that will take. Like you I want it to happen quickly but on the other hand I don’t. I went up to mums this weekend and had that real knot in my stomach. It feels so strange doesn’t it going to our mums home and them not being there. It really hit me this week as it is starting to get much colder. Mums home was always warm when you walked in and this weekend it felt so cold. This is really silly but I can’t bring myself to turn the fridge off yet. It has always been a noisy one and when I did try and turn it off not hearing it was awful.
I really laughed when I read your comment about hitting the golf ball along the ground all the time. I think you definitely have to treat yourself to all the gear, if you don’t improve at least you will look the part.
I have started week two of my couch to 5K, so far so good but it is so dark in the mornings now! I have no idea how far I will get but will do what I can.
We are still on the bottom tier here. I even have a dentist appointment this morning for a check up.
I hope to get out for a few longer walks this week as Baxter continues to improve. He has had enough of being restricted and you can see he is fed up.
Well Helen, I have to get sorted to get to the dentist. I hope that you are doing OK.
Thinking about you all the time and sending you a hug.
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Lovely to hear from you. I will share my Saturday afternoon experience with you, as I know only you will really appreciate it. Went over to Mum’s flat to do some more sorting out and finally moved all her clothes out of the wardrobe. Its a fitted wardrobe and quite big so I got inside it to give it a really good clean. I was suddenly really overwhelmed by everything and starting crying, and ended up sitting inside the wardrobe sobbing my heart out! How ridiculous is that! Even I had to laugh and Mum would have said I was a very silly girl!!
Glad to hear that things are progressing with your Mum’s bungalow but can so sympathise with you about doing all the paperwork. It’s really horrible and upsetting. Mum’s probate took about 6 weeks after I sent the paperwork back. I don’t think its silly about the fridge because it’s those little things that really get to you. I can’t take Mum’s clock off the mantelpiece over the fire. It had a funny tick and we always commented on it. It will be one of the last things to go.
On a lighter note we played golf yesterday and I didn’t play too badly but then managed to cut my thumb pushing my golf tee into the ground and had to go round with a big soggy tissue wrapped around my thumb. I think I will soon be voted out of the club on grounds of generally lowering the tone of the establishment! Glad to hear you had a nice time with your sons and grandson. As you say it lovely have people around. We sat with our friends in the garden yesterday, in the rain sometimes - because we could!!
We are off to the Lakes for a couple of nights tomorrow and think we might just get this trip in before we go into tier 3. Weather forecast not looking too brilliant but it will be nice to get away.
Good for you for getting to week 2 of your fitness campaign. We are hoping to do some good walks - but also think we might be doing quite a bit of eating and drinking. Glad to hear that Baxter is improving.
Well I am just about to go and finish packing so I will say goodbye and send a big hug.
Take care. Much love Helen xxx
Hi Helen,
I hope you had a nice break, I hope the weather wasn’t too bad for your walks, although bad weather is a good excuse for more food and drink.
I total understand and empathise with your wardrobe experience. I think a good cry does help but it doesn’t feel like it at the time. It is such a strange experience isn’t it. It made me smile about your mums clock.
I contacted the probate people as it has been along time and apparently they didn’t receive a certain form. The application has not started because of it. They are going to contact another office to see if it is still with them. That was enough to start me off yesterday. I also had several on-line meetings for work so yesterday was not very good. A new day today. Its Andy’s birthday today so the boys are over for a takeaway this evening. I am looking forward to that. Once again though mum will be missing. Its my birthday at the weekend and I am absolutely dreading it. I keep welling up just thinking of a birthday without mum. First time ever!!
Well Helen, you never fail to put a smile on my face with your golf antics. You must watch the film “Happy Gilmore.” I have only seen it because my boys find it amusing. I always think of it when you mention your golf.
We are having a few issues with our lovely neighbours son (our neighbour really is lovely, its his son.) Our neighbour who is 94 and lives alone, he has a massive privet hedge which is full of wildlife. His son has arranged for it to be pulled out and fencing put in. Firstly, the neighbour doesn’t want it removed and secondly there is a badge sett under it so we have said they can’t pull it out as it will disturb them. We are now having a visit from the Badger protection society to resolve the problem.
I went for my little walk/jog gain this morning. It was pitch black and raining. I nearly didn’t do it but made myself, it was horrid!!! How people say “its OK when you getting going” it really wasn’t.
I really need to be getting some work done.
Take care of yourself. Sending you a hug.
Keep in touch
Rachel xx
Hi Rachel
Apologies for not replying sooner. We got back from the Lakes on Thursday evening and seemed to have been busy ever since. We had a lovely time and did some beautiful walks. It rained a lot but mostly not when we were walking. The autumn scenery was stunning. All the Covid precautions make things seem a bit strange sometimes but it was nice to get away. Sorry to hear that you are having problems with the probate. Mine has recently come through, so another thing to cross off the list. I am now trying to sort out Mum’s bank account which I couldn’t do before because of the inquest. There is always something!
Happy Birthday! I hope you are getting through today ok. I know exactly how you feel. Its my birthday soon and we always went out with Mum. I can’t even bear to think about it - would be quite happy to forgot the day but my niece says that’s not the right thing to do.
Just come back from Mum’s flat and have almost finished now. We are giving her furniture to Sue Ryder who will come and collect it, which is good. Then I’ve just got a bit of cleaning to do. I’ve brought home a lot of things I can’t bear to part with at the moment but don’t know where I can put everything. I’ve ended up bringing home a silly big fluffy dog dressed as Father Christmas which sings Jingle Bells very badly. We used to get it out every Christmas and it always made her laugh. What am I going to do with that?!!
Sorry to hear about your neighbour problems. Hope the Badger protection people can help.
Well done for keeping going with the jogging - although pitch black and raining doesn’t sound much fun. It is pouring with rain up here this afternoon but it will help fill up our wildlife pond which we are still in the process of constructing. It is hard work and I often get strange looks from people when I walk home carrying my spade and rake and usually covered in mud, as I was this morning!
Take care Rachel. Sending you a birthday hug.
With love Helen xxx
Hi Rachel
Hope you are having a good day. I just wanted to let you know that I am going to try and send you a private message.
Helen xxx
OK, not sure how I will find it?
Dear @HelenL, @Rachel02, @Beans, and everyone else here, hope you’re all doing as well as you can. Got reminded of this thread as my mum was quite unwell over the weekend, and they are so special, aren’t they?
Jacky, we’re still waiting to find out about your latest episode of fending off Richard! If you all do get the time and feel like it, do please give an update on how life is, as I have followed this conversation with interest over the past few months, and it would be nice to see how you’re all doing.
Haha Abdullah, I didn’t know you’d taken such an interest!! I haven’t been on here for awhile, not sure if Rachel and Helen still post or not, but I’ll look in properly soon and give you an update on my escapades with Richard, I promise-though, obviously, they have been curtailed at the moment-plus he’s got to go into hospital for a minor operation soon, so we wont be seeing each other for some time! Hope you’re doing o.k yourself; I’m missing my mum a lot at the moment, apparantly the two year gap-she died in March 2018-is a notoriously hard time to get through, I’m not sure why but I’m glad it’s not just me that’s struggling.
I will post sometime in the week, until then, look after yourself xx
Hi Abdullah,
I am so sorry to hear your mum was poorly at the weekend. You are so right about mums being special. Enjoy every moment that you can with your mum.
My mum has been gone for 6 months now. Life still goes on. I have good days and bad. I am back at work now. It is good to keep busy. I am now also a volunteer for the Cat protection League. Mum loved her cats and I know it would make her smile. I must say I found this site to be such a support during some really tough times. I feel I have made real friends. Its a good place to come to when you need some support and reassurance.
Take care of yourself.
Rachel