Missing Mum

My mum lost her zest for life in January this year. Within two months mum was admitted to hospital and was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I moved in with mum due to the lock down and was extremely lucky to be with mum until the end. Mum passed away on 24th April.
I really struggled when mum passed and have been told time is a great healer. I have tried to be positive and thankful that it was a short illness and that I was able to be with mum. I have managed a few non crying days. For the last 2 to 3 days I have felt so lost and empty. I have a supportive husband but just feel my heart is breaking. I physically hurt and have cried all day. I simply miss mum so much. I feel I am going backwards with my grief.

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Dear Rachel02,
It is obvious from your words how much you loved your mum, so it is totally normal that you feel lost and empty without her. It has been said that grief comes and goes like waves, and when I lost first my dad and later my mum it certainly felt like that, Some days would be like a calm sea, and then all of sudden great big waves of grief would wash over me. Do let your tears flow whenever you need to, don’t try to hold them back. Give yourself time to grief, it is still early days for you. You have had a very emotional time behind you, losing your mum so quickly after her diagnosis and I can imagine that the last few weeks before she passed away must have been very hard. It is great that you could be with her. I was bale to be with my dad until the end, and with my mum until shortly before the end and those times were very precious. Like you, I have a supportive husband, but I think it is difficult for them to know how we feel because the bond between a mother and a daughter is so special. Don’t think you are going backward, there will be many ups and downs. We will always miss the ones we loved so much, but it won’t always hurt so much. In time,
xxx
Jo

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Hi Jo,
Thank you for your supportive words.
Rachel

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Rachel 02, I totally understand what you’re going through. My mum lost her fight with cancer on 22’nd April this year… & I feel so so sad and broken. I can’t stop crying & I feel like I’m starting to piss everyone off (there goes mum again). I haven’t been to see dad as much as I should because I don’t want those memories flooding back (she died at home) I have no enthusiasm to do anything. My heart goes out to you :heartbeat: Lee

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Hi Lee3,
Thank you for your message. It really is the hardest thing isn’t it. There really is a physical pain like your heart is breaking. I too cry all the time. This morning I collected my mums ashes which absolutely broke me. Every task relating to mum is like a massive hurdle and brings with it so much pain.
I hate to say it but I am fed up with everyone saying " I can’t wait for it to return to normal" our lives will never be normal again. My mum was on her own so I have no words to support you with your dad other than there are no rules about what we should and shouldn’t do. Do what you need to do right now.
I am so so sorry for your lose as I really do understand what you are going through.
Keep in touch.

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Hi Rachel

Reading your post broke my heart. I lost my mum in January to bowel cancer. It was horrific. Like you I struggle most days. For me it’s the memories of her death - they haunt me. That said I am completely grateful I got to be with her til the end. I take a lot of comfort in that. It was her birthday yesterday. Every first (so far) has been really tough. Thanks for sharing your story and prompting me to share mine. Take care x

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Hi Bev,
I am so sorry you have also lost your mum. I am like you and find it so hard to see past the memories of mum at the end.
Its my mums birthday next Tuesday, I imagine it is going to be hard, we always used to get all the family together and have a really good laugh (I can’t imagine ever doing that again at the moment.). Currently my family is somewhat fractured as we are all having different feeling and are at various stages with our grief. That also makes it so hard to cope with my grief.
Look after yourself
Rachel x

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Hi Rachel, Lee, Bev-and everyone missing their mums,
I don’t usually post, I just read other’s posts, but I just wanted to say to you all, from someone still missing her lovely mum after 2 years, it is the hardest, most desperate sense of loneliness and emptyness I have ever faced or could imagine, and I still sometimes wonder how I’m getting through the days without her.I feel tremendous guilt for all the times we fell out while I was her live-in carer-that changed our once wonderful relationship in ways I couldn’t have imagined-and I would do anything to turn the clock back, have the chance to hug her again, kiss her lovely face, and reassure her that I loved her so much, even when I was worn out and irritable with her. I didn’t appreciate or understand her pain, and how difficult life was for her after her stroke; and I should’ve been so much more patient and tolerant than I was. I loved her more than I can put into words, and I hate myself for all the times my empathy was lacking. I will miss her, and cry over her, for the rest of my life, and I do think that losing your mum changes you fundamentally inside. They are your rock and your anchor, and the centre of your world when you’re a child, how can it be easy to lose that, even if you’re an adult? I dont believe in God and heaven; I don’t think I’ll see my mum again when I die, and that makes me so sad. But I’m still here, still living, still finding good things in my days, and I never thought I could be, without her in my life. Things will get better for you, believe me, you wont stop missing your mums, but you will find ways to live without her. and you will have sunshine amongst the rain, honestly!

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Hello Beans,
Thank you for sharing your story, that must have been so difficult. The love between a mum and daughter is unconditional and always forgiving. I am sure we all regret moments in our lives, but they all just that, moments. You loved your mum and she would have known that. You have given me hope that one day I won’t feel so sad, empty and lonely. At the moment i miss my mum so much it hurts, but I don’t need to tell you how that feels. Take care of yourself and thank you.
Rachel x

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That’s really sad to read, Lee. I know and understand your pain. It’s hard going back to my parents house too. It now looks a shrine to mum but I suppose that’s my dad’s way of dealing with his grief. Please know you won’t be pissing anyone off - reach out to those closest to you, tell them the pain and suffering you’re in.
Take care Lee

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Thank you Beans. You words of support are so comforting. Guilt is horrific, don’t let it get in the way of your wonderful memories with your mum. I think I’m already there with how I’ve changed, I look at everything a bit different now. Work, parenting, friendships - whilst losing my mum has left a big whole I also feel I am more like her than I was before, I’m definitely stronger. Thanks again

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Oh Rachel. I lost my lovely mum on 25 March this year. I am still in shock. I cry from waking up to going to bed. I woke her in the morning, sat her up and put her on the hoist to put her on the commode and she went unconscious, had a seizure, vomited and then dropped dead in front of me. We did not even say good morning. It all happened so quickly. I re-live this every day and the crying gets harder and longer. I feel as though I am living in another world. Nothing seems real. This was the week lock down began and I have been alone ever since. I have no family left and no friends as I gave everything up to look after both parents. I miss my mum so much it hurts and people says it gets easier. I don’t want to hear that I just want my mum back. I completely understand how you are feeling. I keep asking myself did it really happen? And then I go over it again in my mind in detail. So although I cannot offer you any comfort I am with you and I will say a pray for you. God Bless. xxx

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You are not alone, i am crying every day and heartbroken beyond words, i even shout out MAM I NEED YOU

So do I. I even talk to her armchair that I bought her for her last Mother’s day.

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Hi Beans

I haven’t posted before but when I read your message last night it touched me to my core. I could have written it myself. I lost my lovely Mum only 5 weeks ago so everything is still very raw at the moment. She too had a stroke, 8 years ago and I moved in with her after she came out of hospital. She did eventually move into a flat on her own where she lived independently with a lot of help from me. I know exactly what you mean about how caring for someone changes your relationship and I too feel so guilty about not always being kind and not understanding how every day life was so difficult for her. It is very difficult when you are tired and worn out and everything takes such a long time to do. My Mum, probably like yours, hated me having to do things for her, although I just wanted to look after her and try and make her life as normal as possible. I would so like to turn the clock back too and tell her how much I loved her (although I know she knew that) and tell her how wonderful she was for carrying on so bravely with so many disabilities. Her quality of life was rapidly going down hill at the end so I am pleased for her that she didn’t have to struggle on any more. She always said that she wasn’t going into a home - and she was right! She was such a strong and dignified lady and she wanted so much to be self dependent. She was so full of life despite her stroke and I am glad she didn’t have to suffer a long decline. She was such a huge part of my life and although she was nearly 92 I hoped we would have a little bit more time together. Thanks to the wonderful doctors and nurses she came out of hospital for her final few days and we were at home together when she died. I miss her beyond words and I don’t know what I am going to do without her. It is comforting to hear that things will get better and I know that Mum would be very cross with me if I waste the rest of my life. I think we are both very lucky to have had such wonderful Mums and reading your message gave me a lot of comfort to hear from someone who felt so much like I do. So thank you for that. Take care and and I hope that one day I will be able to remember my Mum with smiles and not too many tears.
HelenL x

Hi Rachel
I really feel for your loss. I lost my Mum on 12th May. I was also with her at the end for which I am very grateful and I am also relieved that she didn’t have to suffer any more. But like you I am finding the pain unbearable. I didn’t believe that grief could be so physical and some days I just can’t stop crying. I have been told by a good friend that time does help and things will get easier but its not a straight forward linear process. Its more like circles or waves and often you feel like you are back where you started. It helps me to read messages like yours because sometimes you feel like you are going crazy and to know that other people are feeling the same thing is comforting in some ways, although I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone. I do hope you are feeling a bit better today. I have only cried twice today (so far!) which is pretty good for me. It is really good that we have this site to help us and my heart goes out to you.
HelenL x

Hi Helen,
I am so sorry that you have also lost your mum. It is an indescribable hurt both physically and emotionally. It would have been mums birthday on the 16th and it was such a hard day. I have managed the odd day without tears so that is positive. It is like waves of grief, they come from nowhere and are so consuming. We must embrace the brighter days and roll with the waves. I send you my love.
I agree I hate the thought of others suffering the same pain but being able to express how you feel and read others experiences really helps.
Rachel

Hi HelenL,
Oh, your mum sounds so much like mine, how I wish they could’ve met at some point, I’m sure they would’ve got on together, and have helped each other as well! Thanks so much for your lovely, kind reply, some days I really hate myself for not being the daughter my mum truly deserved-I was just so tired, and scared of the responsibilities involved in keeping mum going; throw in the menopause, and the fact that mum often didn’t get to bed until 3 a.m, then had me up two or three times before breakfast, and it was inevitable, I think, that our once marvellous relationship would start to unravel! I would give anything, though, to have those difficult, exhausting days back!
I’m thinking of doing some kind of volunteering work with the elderly, once all the Coronavirus madness has waned.I need to make amends; I can’t do it for my mum, but I could help someone else’s maybe; have you ever thought of that as a possible comfort in your own situation? I’m quite shy and unconfident when meeting new people; it may never happen (I’ll probablly talk myself out of it!) but if fate sends anyone my way who needs some help, I’ll do my best to be there for them. Mum would’ve approved of that!
Thanks again for your kindness, I wish we could have a coffee and a mutually comforting hug sometime, we’ll have to make do with them in the cyber universe for now! xx

P.S HelenL-I’m so glad you were with your mum when she died-I was with mine, along with one of my two brothers. My other brother, bless him, popped back home for a nap as we were all so exhausted, and when he came back he’d missed mum’s death by a few minutes.It was so traumatic for him, and broke his heart.Being with mum at the end, holding her hand and telling her how sorry I was was very healing, and I am so grateful I was able to be there.And so, so sorry for all those who have been forced apart from their parent because of the present circumstances. x

Me too, just did that now