Missing my dad

I miss him so much.
Most of the time I can think of him, contently, but the rest of the time I feel so broken.
I’ve missed people before but the word has a meaning now. I don’t know if I’m looking for another word but the pain of wanting him is so much I can hardly bear it.

6 weeks ago I lost my beautiful, wonderful, amazing dad. I’m 24 years old and still so in need of all the things I wanted to learn from him. I miss his face and his smell and his hands and his voice. Everything about him, I miss.

Looking at pictures makes me think “no, he’s not gone and he is just not here at the moment”, “maybe he’s on a conference visit” or “maybe he’s in hospital again and he’ll be home soon”.
The reality is, he’s not coming back. He’s not in hospital, he’s not on a conference and he’s not at work…these were all memories from a decade ago and somehow my mind is desperately seeking an answer to his absence.

Then I remind myself that this is it for him, that I won’t see him again and I feel like I want to crumble into nothingness, to be with him. I ache for my dad to cuddle me, to pat my head and to ask me about my day. I want to hold his hand and try and impress him with all the things Ive learnt, just to see the pride on his face once more. I want to hear him mumble on about things and challenge my thoughts about everything and I want to submit to his stubbornness on topics we both know little about.

I am so angry that he is not here. I sometimes feel so ill that this is life and this is how painful it can be and I don’t want it. Why make love so so painful to the point you can’t bear it? It’s not fair.
I am so angry that I my beautiful dad was taken away from me, when he had life to live and I had more time to spend with him. I try and have faith but I am in so much pain that faith isn’t enough to convince me this was right.
“It’s something you learn to live with” people say. I don’t want this to keep happening, I can’t bear it.


Hi Bella, I’m so sorry about the death of your Dad, he and you are both too young to be going through this, I lost my Mum when I was slightly older than you, I was also very angry, I kept seeing people out with their Mums and thinking that should be me, I wanted to tell them to make the most of it because it can be taken away from you in an instant, over the years it has got easier and the anger has gone, but life is never the same again, you do learn to live with your new life but it’s not easy, take a day at a time, you could try counselling but that’s not for everyone, sending love Jude xx