I miss him so much.
Most of the time I can think of him, contently, but the rest of the time I feel so broken.
I’ve missed people before but the word has a meaning now. I don’t know if I’m looking for another word but the pain of wanting him is so much I can hardly bear it.
6 weeks ago I lost my beautiful, wonderful, amazing dad. I’m 24 years old and still so in need of all the things I wanted to learn from him. I miss his face and his smell and his hands and his voice. Everything about him, I miss.
Looking at pictures makes me think “no, he’s not gone and he is just not here at the moment”, “maybe he’s on a conference visit” or “maybe he’s in hospital again and he’ll be home soon”.
The reality is, he’s not coming back. He’s not in hospital, he’s not on a conference and he’s not at work…these were all memories from a decade ago and somehow my mind is desperately seeking an answer to his absence.
Then I remind myself that this is it for him, that I won’t see him again and I feel like I want to crumble into nothingness, to be with him. I ache for my dad to cuddle me, to pat my head and to ask me about my day. I want to hold his hand and try and impress him with all the things Ive learnt, just to see the pride on his face once more. I want to hear him mumble on about things and challenge my thoughts about everything and I want to submit to his stubbornness on topics we both know little about.
I am so angry that he is not here. I sometimes feel so ill that this is life and this is how painful it can be and I don’t want it. Why make love so so painful to the point you can’t bear it? It’s not fair.
I am so angry that I my beautiful dad was taken away from me, when he had life to live and I had more time to spend with him. I try and have faith but I am in so much pain that faith isn’t enough to convince me this was right.
“It’s something you learn to live with” people say. I don’t want this to keep happening, I can’t bear it.