Well he was actually my ex-partner. We’re both age 46, no kids. We separated in the 3rd week of January and he died on 9th June. So less than 5 months later. I feel his death is my fault. If I’d stayed he likely would be alive. He was an alcoholic and his drinking escalated after we split which was my choice . We were still in touch and on friendly terms, I still loved him. He loved me. He was a good man, just ill with it. I feel if I’d gone to see him I’d have seen how unwell he was and would have gotten him some medical care. He was due to go into a treatment centre at the end of June but was waiting because it’s NHS. I have no energy and am not eating enough and I don’t want to do anything. Life is meaningless. I was starting to drift a bit after we broke up, and was missing him. Now he’s gone. I’m still working but when I’m not at work I find it hard to do anything. I’m thinking about it constantly- is that normal? Thank you xx
Aww, I can feel your pain.
What I can say is that I have lost 2 husbands, 2 parents, a sister, many extended family members and my best friend. Some died suddenly, some through illness and one was suicide. In each case my brain managed to find a reason to feel guilty. Either I wasn’t with them, didn’t realise how ill they were, and so on, and so on.
The truth is that shit happens. It isn’t anybody’s fault.
Try not to beat yourself up. And yes, thinking about a lost loved one all the time is perfectly normal. We all do it, and we probably all find something to blame ourselves for.
Love and hugs. Xx
Sadly your story sounds really normal @Octopus11. Thinking about your lost one all the time and feeling guilt about how that happened are all things we seem to have to deal with - and there’s no way around it that I have found so far.
Be kind to yourself and just take each day at a time. Xx
Thank you for your kind message. I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had so many losses. Thank you for sharing 
Thank you for your helpful message. I appreciate your response.