We had issues with my mum being diagnosed with vascular dementia the month before, then my husband died then that made my MIL ill so she is now in a home. To all intents and purposes I now have lost my husband, my mother and my MIL as neither of them can be of any support and I am watching them suffer. My Aunty died a couple of weeks ago and another family member has stage 4 cancer. I don’t know when it’s going to end. I would have coped with my husband by my side but now…I don’t know how much more I can take.
1 Like
I totally understand. My mother died 9 days before my partner and while her death was not entirely unexpected - she was 93 and had been in decline for some years - I was her carer and saw her every day. So in the space of a couple of weeks I felt like I had lost the structure of life. I don’t know how I find any meaning now. Hoping you find some peace.
1 Like
We were seeing my mum every day as well. She went into a home 6 days before my husband died. We just thought we could get back to a slightly less stressful life….and then my world shattered further. Like you say, all structure and meaning just vanishes. Sending hugs
1 Like
You can do it. He’s helping you and you have us to help you cope. A big hug and 
1 Like
I haven’t been able to stay in our home since losi g my husband 6 months ago. I have only spent 1 night there alone. I feel like such a baby. I miss him so much and I am afraid. I don’t want to sell our home. This is so much harder and sadder than I could have imagined.
Hi, It’s the worst time I have ever had. We didn’t ever expect to be so alone. Im 6 months without my best friend of 49 years. Our home is just a house and it seems as though he’s taking it to bits. The amount of things that have gone wrong are too many to believe. I have nowhere to go as I have a lot of pets and obviously can’t just up and go. I’ve been told not to make any decisions until after a year but am dreading the next day. Are you feeling angry with your husband? I miss him so much for leaving me so suddenly but want to strangle him for going. I’m suffering every emotion. What about you. I cry for no reason and it’s hard trying to control in front of others. No one understands unless they have been in this unliveable hell that we are trying to cope with. We do have each other and if we can get some sort of help it’s worth it. Message when you need to . We need friends that understand.
1 Like
My husband had cancer for almost 2 years. The last 16 days of his life was spent in icu, and I could only see him 2 hrs a day because of covid. I am mad that he had cancer, I am mad that others survive, but not him, I am mad that God took him knowing I needed him. I am mad that I am so weak. But no, I am not mad at my husband because he didn’t choose to leave me. He loved life before cancer changed his whole life. He would have stayed for me.
1 Like
You are correct, no one understands unless you have been in that place. It is necessary(for me) to talk to someone who actually knows.
Dear Parsley
Sorry to butt in on the conversation but would like to answer the question about being angry. My anger erupts often, my husband died because he insisted on pursuing his motorbike activities which ultimately led to his death. I cry for everything he is missing surrounding our kids and our little grandsons. I cry for myself that after all the years of working so hard and coming up to retirement I am on my own all because he would not listen to me but took note of his so-called biker mates who have (quite understandably) given me a wide berth since the crash. But most of all I cry for everything he and I had to look forward to and is now gone.
I am now in counselling but in reality I do not think that it will ever be able to extinguish my feelings.
I have suffered like you with all the things going wrong in the house. I am struggling through trying to get them sorted. Neighbours and friends who said they would help have all disappeared and left me to it. I just worry in case I am being over-charged. Most of the jobs were on my husband’s ‘to-do list’ so I have no experience in prices for jobs but am not rushing into things.
Take care.
2 Likes
Hi Sheila, I’ve just come home from a birthday celebration of my husband’s friend. It was nice that they included me and to be honest have cried a good few times. My husband and his friend celebrated their birthdays every year over the past 40 years so memories were awash. I do feel a little better and am glad I went. It will never be the same without him and I know there is nothing I can do to bring him back. So the days that are hard will have to be dealt with and the problems we have we will have to see if we sort out. Maybe we could have a sort of “I need Help” club. I don’t know where you are but if we try to help each other it would
benefit us all. For example some help with mechanical item in return for a home cooked meal and company or help with painting. A job shared and obviously done with company. It would benefit us all. My father in law lived alone for many many years and said solitary confinement is not a nice place to live. He was so right and I’m so glad I asked him to move in with us. We will find some kind of life from this. We are not alone. Big hugs💋
3 Likes
Well that’s that. I’ve just fallen off the ladder. Well fallen not quite true. The second rung up broke soo ended up I. The floor. Not a good start to clearing out the guttering. How can he have left me with a rotten ladder, full guttering and not been here to cuddle me after the fall. I miss him so much.
2 Likes
I am understanding how you are feeling …I lost my husband feb2020 …diagnosed and gone in 8 weeks …the pain and shock has not left me …I always thought I was a very strong person…but I am not …I now am feeling guilty…was I good enough to him in his last weeks …we could not talk …he would almost break down and just say please don’t …and we would just hug each other …we sold up our Home and retired to the country we loved it we done everything to make it wonderful…we were togeather for 54 years married 52 of them …and just like you I miss him so so much …I look at his photo and say where are you I still can’t believe he is not coming in to the Bungalow…I have decided to sell and it is going through now …and move back down with the family to the south East and see how things go for me at this late in my life …wish you well in your decision…that only you can make …and thank God for our beautiful memories…
4 Likes
Hi irene, that is such a big decision. I wish you well with your move and hope you feel more content living near family. At the moment i just want to move away from mine. Feel i want to be alone. Not entirely sure why but mind is talking me into it. X
Hi parsley, we work all our lives looking forward to retirement and planning what we are going to do when we no longer have to work. Its an awful time. You are very brave to think of going to another country but have to do what feels right for you. I am at 7 months since losing my husband and although it is easing a bit, it will never be the same. I miss him terribly as do you. Good luck with your decision. Keep talking. There are lots of kind people on here that are suffering the same and will help you. X
Dear Sheila 26
Very little it seems can be of comfort at such times. I have lost others over the years, but the pain and sense of loss I have for my husband is beyond anything I could imagine. I am trying to cope for the sake of my family, but it is so so hard. It was very sudden, but exactly as he would have wanted so in the midst of my grief, I try to be grateful for that. The only thing that helps me is reading others on here who are or have experience of that dark place that we must all find our way out of. Thank you for that.
1 Like
My heart goes out to all of you for such sudden and heartbreaking loss. I too lost my husband in March 2020, he was out in his road bike suffered a major heart attack and never came home, and the pain in not saying goodbye is immeasurable. My MIL is broken and it’s all I can do to console her as we live quite far apart. If there’s any advice I can give is that when it comes to sorting out issues, tasks, estate etc is not to burden yourself with too much at any one time. Try 1 task per day. Don’t worry about bursting into tears at inopportune moments, it happens to us all, with me it was at the bank!! I was extremely stressed coming up to and getting over the 1 year anniversary, just remember to be good to yourself and perhaps plan a little time to yourself to reflect, read sympathy cards, look at photos etc I don’t know about anyone else but I dread social events where everyone is enjoying themselves, I really don’t want to enjoy myself or laugh as we used to. Lockdown protected me from this. I also agree where people are saying that they don’t want to go to places that they used to go to with their partner but neither do I want to go anywhere new without being able to tell him. I’m lucky that my 2 kids, just both grown and left are supportive and we make a good team.
1 Like
Dear 0365
I can totally understand the sadness and devastation at not being able to say goodbye. My husband crashed whilst out on his bike, never to return home to me, son and grandson who were waiting. I put all the sympathy cards in a drawer could not bring myself to look at them. Occasionally able to look at photos. Our kids are both adults but for different reasons feel guilt and utter devastation.
Take care.