I am now 20 months in without my beautiful James. 20 months of missing him, 20 months without his big bear hugs. 20 months of painting, pain and power tools.
Life is so incomplete now. I will never get James back and his empty space will never be filled. Everyday i pray that he is safe and happy and doesn’t feel the pain that now dominates my life. My heart will never stop missing my boy yet normality continues in a world without James in it. I feel so desperately sad for James, robbed of a future with a family who adored him. James had such plans , he was supposed to have a wonderful life. He deserved to meet his soul mate, continue to inspire us with his vegetable crops and taunt us with his caustic wit. I am so grateful for everyday we spent together from the sleepless nights, back chat and everything in-between.
Losing James has been my biggest heartache and having him in my life has been my greatest joy.
James will always be my purpose, my light and my reason to get up and open the curtains.
He made me love better, live better. I now know that each day we are blessed with is our chance to love freely, forgive easily and show kindness.
Time moves forward but missing James never fades. xx
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Your tribute resonated for me - I really miss the bear hugs from Niamh.
She too had so much to live for, and despite unrelated medical problems she truly lived every minute she was able to - she had booked 2 more trips the weekend she suddenly died.
She was also an expert at cheering me up - reminding me that whatever was bothering me would pass - and to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Of all things, I try to carry that - I try to live my best life as she did and would want for the rest of the family. She would have made clear she expected a “respectable”amount of tears and sadness - she always demanded her share of attention - but equally would be so cross if I didn’t “just get on with it mother!”
It’s so tough. X
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I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Niamh.
Tough is just the tip of the iceberg, I have no words to explain to others just how broken i feel, its impossible. I never knew such pain existed and yet i still survived.
James died suddenly without warning. My beautiful boy died alone and this is a vision that haunts me. I have no idea how i have lived for 20 months without James but i have, one long day at a time. The nights are worse, its a lonely place at 3am, another endless night spent without bravery and strength but then i look at his beautiful face and i know that no matter how hard this journey is i owe it to James to live the life that he has lost. I cant waste it or losing James would be for nothing. I know James would be my biggest fan.
31 years of memories, bear hugs, laughter and endless love will never be forgotten. James will never be forgotten.
20 months and a lifetime to go.
Sending love xx
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Thank you Laura.
Niamh was 32 and also also died alone, but in her own bed in her own home. She liked her privacy and absolutely did things on her own terms, so it was somehow fitting - though too young, too soon. We believe she fell asleep and simply didn’t wake up. I think that’s what many of us would wish for ourselves.
She was a prolific social media poster and so I often receive pop-up memories - some make me laugh, some make me cry - but knowing there’ll be no more memories made is the hardest.
100% agree we should live the life they haven’t had a chance to continue - and Niamh is actively remembered and talked about by our wider family and also, I know, by her friends. The sadness and pain is unspoken but yet recognised in a gentleness - and we all are learning to live with it. X
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I’ve just read a fb by Lilian Myers, widow of Dave Myers (Hairy Biker) - she’s talking about grief…
“You’re not defined by what you’ve been through.
You’re shaped by how you carry it, how you grow from it, and how you keep moving forward anyway.”
Says it all.
