Missing my mum, my world

I really feel for you but having gone through this with my Mum as she knew she was dying she felt that she wanted to start going through some of her more personal possessions and gave me with instructions on what to do with some of her items when she died. Like you I went into a tail spin not ready to have those conversations or deal with it but the hospice nurse told me that sometimes as they don’t have any control over the illness then sorting things out is something that gives them that control. She does however need to understand how upsetting it is for you and you need to explain that you are not ready to start to part with things but help her in keeping the control by asking her to let you know what she wants to happen to everything and assure her that she can trust you to follow her wishes. We shared some very special and intimate times when going through things which whilst very emotional I wouldn`t change for the anything now. Big hugs xxx

Thankyou Lucy that’s really helpful. Yes there are things that make you smile at what she kept but as you say they obviously meant a lot to her so I will keep them until I`m ready to let go which I may never be. The practical things I have found easier to part with and whilst there is still a lot to do I feel better now I have started, I think the anticipation of it and the feeling that I wouldn’t cope with it was worse than the actual doing it.

Thankyou AnneAnnie I found it difficult at first deciding what to keep but as things the pile to keep was growing I found that there were things that I found it easier to let go of than others so there was my answer. xx

Its weird how these “signs” just happen I have had a few things happen that have made me think its a sign but on Saturday I decided to start clearing things in the kitchen which should have been just practical unemotional stuff. I opened a little tin that had been at the back of the kitchen cupboard and it had some business cards and receipts in, then I found a ticket from the Chelsea flower show where I took Mum as a surprise in 2004. On the back she had written thankyou for this lovely surprise you will never know how much it meant to me. Love you. I`m not sure when she wrote it but it was lovely to find it was like she was still with me in some way.

Thank you everyone that has shared their thoughts and experiences it has really helped to get me through these last few days. xxx

Ahhh that’s a really lovely find and will mean so much to you. They’re the things you need to keep and treasure. Your mum had clearly left it for you to find one day. Hopefully it made you smile as that day clearly meant much more to her than you probably ever realised-what a lovely daughter. I’ve calmed down again and have finished clearing items now and packing stuff away but the things I’ve kept close by are all her photos, keepsake boxes, some clothing with special meaning like the top she wore on her 70th birthday when I took her for afternoon tea at the Ritz. She loved it. It’s nice (but sad) to know that there are others going through this right now in terms of clearing/packing items as you feel quite alone but I did the last room Saturday. I say last room but actually I need to sort the kitchen so it isn’t quite done! Mum would be throwing a fit now if she saw me in her kitchen as there was a running joke that she used to say that every time she went into hospital I cleared out her kitchen cupboards!!! Of all the out of date food she had and she went mad afterwards but she left me a letter that I found after she died which was heartbreaking but comforting (how she ever wrote it I just don’t know) but her final comment made me chuckle as she said ‘pity I won’t be able to clear out your kitchen cupboards’!!!

Keep going and stay strong, x

It’s amazing how strong you can be when you need to be. Good job our mums made us so strong x

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You are doing so well and it sounds like she would be so proud of you. How lovely that she left you a letter that must have been a real comfort & as you say so hard for her to have done. It’s weird that you think helping them through their illness, being by their side when they die saying goodbye are the hardest things that you will ever have to do so you feel like you should be able to cope with anything else life throws at you after that but it’s not so. Stay strong and thankyou again for your support although you hate to think of other people suffering in this way & my heart goes out to you its also nice to know you’re not alone xx

Hi, I absolutely understand what you are going through. My mum passed away suddenly last month and my sisters have started to sort her house out. I just haven’t been able to face it and it caused a huge argument. I have gone through a couple of things but it’s just so painful. Like you, I saw my mum every day, we did everything together. I can’t face going anywhere because there’s a memory of her and then I start crying. I can just be walking down the street and im crying my heart out. Every day feels worse then the day before, I think because it was such a shock and now the reality of every day life without her is kicking in. Like you, I don’t want to get rid of her things yet. It’s just so heartbreaking. My mum and I went through so much together and I’m just lost without her there beside me. I have family but there not my mum. She was there for me with her unconditional love every day of my life…how do you ever overcome that? I have looked up support groups in my area, there are walking groups, meditation, groups, etc for bereaved …maybe you could find something like this where you live? At the moment I’m just about managing to go to work and sort the children out, but it’s those periods of unstructured time that are hard and allows all the sadness to overwhelm you. I’ve lost other family members but this is by far the most heart breakingxx

Oh Clares my heart goes out to you and I totally understand your pain. Our Mums are the one person with who we could just be ourselves just an instinct that we knew when something was wrong with them and they did with us, you didnt have to talk if you didn't want to and you could just get a hug. It was clearly more unexpected for you but I don't think that diminishes the feelings but it was probably more of a shock for you. Im sorry that your sisters are not helping you its a time when what family you have left should pull together and support each other. I haven’t looked for any support groups in my area as yet but thanks for the idea. You`re being the best that you can be at the moment and if you hadn’t loved her so much and her love you the way she did it wouldn’t hurt so much so just try and hold onto that love it was real and it can never be taken away. Big hugs xx

Thankyou for your kind words. You are so right, Just being with my mum was enough, we didn’t have to be doing anything exciting. It’s a huge gap and nothing can fill it. I have felt a little bit better today, I don’t know if just reading what people have written on this site has helped…like it’s given me something else to think about and reading how others are managing to cope. My sisters have been understanding and after the initial sorting out , they have left the house until we’re all ready. We’re all grieving, all in different ways, just muddling through. It’s so hard for everyone. Xx

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It does help to know what you are experiencing is completely normal and you are not alone. Please feel free to message me any time you need to. I`m glad that you are getting more support from your sisters its so important xxx