Missing my mum, my world

My mum passed away 30th November 2017 after fighting breast cancer for 2 years, she was diagnosed the same year that we lost my dad after a long illness. For 2 years we went through everything together the highs and the lows and everything in between
Since dad died the family kind of broke apart so it was only really me and her again, my nieces would pop in but it would only be short lived and it was mainly the 2 of us.
she was up and down in health from march and then broke her leg in August, in October and November I could see that things were getting worse but didn’t expect things to happen so fast up until the week she died she was insistent she was fine!
Since she has died I feel totally alone and a part of me has died as well, family and friends always say they are there but at the end of the day it’s just me and everything has gone just feel lost And empty especially with Christmas and New year
It’s only been 5 weeks but feels like a lifetime already …

Hello Cjw. I’m so sorry for your lose. I actually came across your post because I too have lost my mum and dad. I was their carer for seven years until dad died Christmas Day 2016, this year was the first anniversary and Mum died 12 days after him, so this Friday is her anniversary. I wish that I could offer you words of comfort, but grief - as people will tell you is your own private journey and it cannot be rushed. I can understand your emptiness and to be honest you could be in a room full of family and friends and still feel lonely because the person you yearn for isn’t there. I will try and write again tomorrow, but I just wanted to drop you a line this evening to say that the holiday periods are the hardest, and you’ve already been beyond brave, so pat yourself on the back, be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. Everything that you are feeling now is natural and never tell yourself off or apologise. Thinking of you.

My mum passed away in July very suddenly. I felt as if I couldn’t breath. Every day I have a moment. My mum brought me and my sister up alone. She looked after my children and I even moved next door to her. If we didn’t have breakfast and dinner together we had dinner and tea together. It was hard her first birthday in November without her and was dreading Christmas. I filled my time with meeting an array of friends and worked extra hours. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about her and even have a tears moment. But other times now I am adjusting and starting to smile. It will never go away but you have to learn to live without them physically cos in your heart they are always there. A lady who knew my mum said to me your mum looked after you and lived her life for you and wouldn’t want to see you not happy. I had a hard long thought and knew she was right. It has made me stronger person and feel I can cope with life more. I have joined craft classes and sewing classes and fill my time. Please try and do this. A part of my heart has died as well and will never come back so I know what you mean. I do have a moment when the sadness suddenly takes over and am extremely upset but I usually say love you mum and think about all the loves she gave me and it makes me feel I can cope again. I’m sending you a big hug xxxx

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Hi there Sarah lou
Thank you for your response so sorry to hear about your loss too makes you realise how cruel life can be sometimes. I understand that everyone handles things differently like you say all takes time, I’m back at work trying to keep busy but it’s the “downtime” and evenings that get me, like you I was her carer so if I wasn’t at work I was with her… i know it will get easier and all will take time … thank you for your kind words xx

Thanks for your reply Fran1 … like you it was always mum and I since I was little we were lucky enough and she married again but like you I was always with her after work and through weekends … I’m trying to keep busy with work so I’m not at home as much by myself but it’s hard at the minute as I’m sure you know but I am looking to do things and meet with friends a little more than I used too. So much of my life was with her for the 1st time ever i can do things which I’m finding very hard and very scary … thank you for your words of encouragement and support means a lot … thank you for the hug too as my mum was Welsh she would call it a cwtch xxx

HI my mam passed away after a short illness 15 mths after my dad… the physical pain is horrendous i know what your going through … like you i don’t know how to heal if there is someone out there who can help with any advice ?

I send u a cwtch back and a big yorkshire cuddle xx

Hi,
Can’t helpnbut understand the feeling of ‘the free time’ you now have and finding things to do like meet up with friends. Lost my best friend and Mum in Dec, and can’t actuskky believe it’s happebed but seem to be coping but I’m fibding the ‘spare’ time very strange as like you the past two years I’ve been with Mum many weekends and through the week nights after work and id not realised how much of my life was spent with her and I felt I didn’t do enough at the time - but I now know I did & I wouldn’t change it for anything but I feel a bit guilty having free time & just find it a bit strange. I’m constantly trying to do things and swear I’ll burn out shortly.
X

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Can anyone help me please I lost my Mum in August 2017 after a short battle with cancer but had been her carer since my Dad died in 1997 as she had a brain tumor & epilepsy. She was the centre of my world & everything focused around her she lived next door. Like most of the people on here I struggle to know what to do with my time now I am married but have no children & work full time but the evenings & weekends are hard to fill when my husband is golfing. I feel with the exception of a few people that really understand that everyone expects me yo be getting over it but I actually feel like I’m getting worse. I have this constant gut wrenching feeling & cry at everything. We have had to sell Mums house because my Brother is due half of the capital & today we have to start clearing out all of her possessions how do you box up someone’s life? I know I can’t keep everything but don’t feel ready to part with some things that still hold precious memories & still make me feel close to her. Has anyone else felt like this? My husband & Brother who are helping me just don’t seem to understand.

Hi Jools. . . I really feel for you like I lost my mother in Sept 2017 and father in April 2016. . I still have the guts wrenching pain
And cry more easily than I ever have.
Have you tried to talk to a professional
I know it’s hard if you’re a private person. .
Regarding the house it’s horrendous having to do it I know I was born in parents but it’s something that will have to be done . I suggest you keep whatever
You want that will make it easier for you…
Have you thought about getting a little dog for extra company maybe . Take Care of yourself that’s what you’re mam would want.

Thankyou geminibabe - I had some bereavement counselling from the hospice shortly after she died, all they could really tell me was that everything I was feeling/experiencing was normal which I know it is but what I need to know is how to cope with it. I honestly thought it would start to feel easier nearly 6 months in but Christmas and New Year put me back it was the worst time ever and it just feels like the slightest little thing winds me up now. I know my Mum would not be happy to see me how I am at the moment but I genuinely am trying to get back to “normal” but its the emptiness that surrounds everything that I am struggling with. I read an article the other day on grief and someone had put that its like looking at everything through sunglasses now everything is dulled, that is so true nothing looks the same or feels the same. Having read the posts on here I can see that it is normal to feel how I feel but I think Im just frustrated with myself for not being able to cope with it better. I dont want to go down the route of antidepressants as I did that when my Dad died and I think from experience it just delays the inevitable.

Yes it does Jools I just try to keep myself busy as I feel my support network has gone into have a loving husband and three sons but miss the female company …
The world doesn’t look the same but I think it’s part of the process . .

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I feel exactly like you Lucy. My husband says I never sit down at home and constantly doing things. We just had a few days away just so I can relax and not do anything. We walked and chilled and made me feel a bit better. In a self help book it does say to go walking so I thought I’d try it and you can get lost in your thoughts and feel sad if you want. A robin was in our path and I spoke to it and it came closer. People say a robin is a sign from heaven. It made me feel very happy and sad at the same time xx big hugs xx

Hi Jools,
I’m not in the same position as you but can relate to the ‘clearing everything quickly’ and how men just don’t get it that you need some time. I lost my Mum in December so only a few weeks into everything but as I’ve done a lot of grieving over the past two years in the build up to her death I’m up and down but bee told considering I’m coping well. However - when I went to my mums house a few days after she died with my Dad he started taking stuff out of the house and I went mad. Firstly it wasn’t his to touch and secondly no way was I ready. I’ve just finished sorting through her items today so very quick but I coped ok going into her house but now it’s getting harder so I made the choice to just get on with it and get it sorted as I knew if I left it months it’d just get worse. I am going to rent the house out and my dad is helping me but he’s going at 100 mph ad I’ve said I’m not planning on getting it let until March/April - yet everything has to be done today and I’m like - what the hell for - and he said because ‘it’s got to be done’. I’m trying to cope with going back to work as well and just need a break at the weekend - so today I left him there as I just don’t want to spend three days there as having a phased return is pointless otherwise. So I know exactly how you feel and it does feel like you’re clearing/boxing up someone’s life but I’ve tried to think that some stuff is just old and needs to go, other stuff I will treasure forever and I’ve found some lovely things like her keepsake box where she’d kept her big 70th balloons in - so she must have really loved me getting her them. It just dawns on you that all of these things that meant so much to someone can so little meaning to anyone else. But I’m sure you’ll treasure the items you knew she loved. That’s how I’m trying to look at it that I’ll take good care of what she’d want me to.

x

Hi Fran,
Glad you had a nice few days. Interesting about walking as I need to start again and to get fitter so hopefully it’ll help. It’s so strange the things you notice -like the robin and like it’s meant to be. Today whilst sorting mums house I opened a box and in it was a little keepsake card the size of a credit card that um had given me in 2009 and it read: Daughter: You’re a special daughter and it’s comforting to know that your guardian angel walks with you wherever you may go. For you are enfolded in the wings of someone who will always be there by your side to love and comfort you.’ And mum had signed it and dated it 2009. Of all of the things to come across I came across that and although I’m not religious, I just thought wow was it a sign that mum’s still with me to have found that today? Makes you think doesn’t it. x

Hi yes it does xx Although people say it’s because you want to believe. I think if it helps you cope then believe. Who says what’s real or not. I often talk to my mother and want to feel her near so she is. I still can’t get to grips she not coming back but as I think about her every day she is still with me. Love to you xxx

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Hi

Just wanted to say I can relate to everything written above. My mum has terminal cancer, diagnosed 6 weeks after my dad died in May 2017. I’ve been caring for her ever since and she wants to help me by throwing out my dad and her possessions before she goes. I feel like I’m in a tail spin as I’m not ready to lose them both and the possessions are the only thing I have any control over.

It does help to know my mum doesn’t want me to keep everything though and I am sure your parents would say the same. Just keep those special items and treasure them. I carry a hanky of my dad’s everywhere now and when I need strength I squeeze it. For some reason it helps.

Robins are significant to me too. One sits outside my mum’s window all day long. Who we we to say it is not a message from somewhere else? He’s a beautiful robin and brings me comfort so I will continue to feed him :slight_smile:

Hugs all round
Ann x

My mum died suddenly she lived next door. I had to clear the house my sister wouldn’t help and she didn’t want anything only a Hoover and ironing board. Strange I know. My mum had a wardrobe she bought when she was 20 and I brought it in my passage way and put all her personal things in it, a china tea set she had and we wernt allowed to use and all the photos and items my children had made their Nan. I kept my mums books as they reminded me of my childhood and my mums favourite ornaments. Everything else went to the heart foundation and the furniture went to a homeless charity. I sometimes do regret not taking more time as I let a lot of stuff go including mums clothes. It was my way of trying to get my life back on track. I kept a lovely Winnie the Pooh nightie which was my mums to wear if I was poorly and needed her. Trust me I want to wear it every day but up to now not worn.Keep thinking she still with you because she is in your heart. Love to you xx

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Does anybody just want to scream cos 8 do xx

Hi

The Winnie the pooh night dress sounds like the perfect comforting thing to keep.

Scream? Yes. I sometimes do at the top of my voice when I’m in the car…

Take care x