Missing my Mum

I am so glad I have found this site so I don’t feel so alone in my grief. I lost my mum just over a week ago and she was/is my best friend. I really don’t know how to cope with this. I am heartbroken that she is not here anymore. We were like two peas in a pod. We lived together, did everything together. She has always been there for me and now I feel lost and very lonely. I have a beautiful daughter who has been amazing but does not fully understand my grief and I do not expect her to. Her death seems to have happened so quickly and I still can’t get my head around what has happened. I miss her soooooo much and really don’t know what to do. A mum’s hug is so amazing and I do miss my mum’s right now.

Hello Racs, firstly I want to welcome you to our Online Community - I really hope that you will find some comfort from exchanging feelings and thoughts with others who are also struggling through their bereavement.
I am so sorry that your beloved Mum has just died - I expect you are feeling quite numb and that it seems unreal. Please just take each day slowly - you obviously had a wonderful relationship with your mother, so it will take quite a time for you to accept your loss. I will be thinking of you in the days and weeks ahead. With kind regards, Jackie

Hi Racs,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your mum - it sounds as though things happened quite quickly and it must have been a huge shock.

I just wanted to add to Jackie’s welcome, and to introduce you to some of our other members who have also lost their mums. Here are some links to a couple of recent conversations where you can find Jk76, Louise, Maradadi and Rebecca:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/missing-mum-so-much
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/daze-i-lost-mum

You may be interested in reading and replying to these.

As Jackie says, take things one day at a time and write as much as you like here if you find that it helps.

Thank you Jackie and Priscilla for your support.

Hello Racs,

I’m so sorry you are coping with the shock of your mum passing away.

Having been living with her the physical as well as emotional hole must feel so very huge right now.

I hope you find some comfort in reaching out to this online group, I’ve found it very helpful.

I have also lost my mum & best friend, and recently hit a wall of depression and extreme loneliness.

It is such early days for you, don’t expect too much of yourself, the adjustment of ‘who am I without mum’ takes time, it’s almost a rebirth of who you are without her as an anchor? Certainly how I have felt.

There will be other avenues and ways you will find to slowly find your way, please don’t dispair, I hope you feel a little relief at least by reaching out and hearing from others, you are not alone!

Take care of yourself,& keep talking if it helps.
I’ll be sending you compassionate thoughts.
Julia

Thank you Julia for your message. It is so comforting to know I am not alone. All I want to do is cry and cry. I just can’t believe she isn’t here anymore. It just freaks me out. I just keep thinking if I wish enough she will come back but deep down knowing I will not see her again fills me with so much sorrow. My mum was the only one who ever helped me to pick up the pieces if things went wrong and now I don’t know who to turn to.

It is so hard that one minute a loved one is with you and the next they are gone. My life feels so empty without her.

How are you coping now?

I can totally empathise with not knowing who to turn to, I think something that helps in time, is to actually seek out who is there. Open up to friends, family? If possible? Tell them you feel alone and unable to turn to others, let them know how they can be there, in their own way.

Ten months on and it’s only just dawning on me that my role in life is changed forever, & having to stand ony own two feet-as it were, is frightening… I’m a home owner/work full time/successful person but still feel like a child lost.I still have days when I simply CANT believe she’s gone.

I know its not easy to consider now because the pain is so very raw, but maybe at a time when it feels a touch less, maybe consider the feeling of being loss almost as an compliment to how close you were with your mum, a little further down the road Im able to reflect on how very very lucky I am to have had such a wonderful mum, & it’s an honour that she and all her virtues live on in me-this type of thinking has helped me cope in the longer term, but I still feel it’s early days, our mums were with us, guiding and nurturing us gor many years (I’m 40) so it will take many to adjust.

I’m coping now, with yoga/meditation, leaning on friends-allowing them to cook me a meal, take me out for cake! (I’m used to being the carer, especially as I nursed mum for a long period) And allowing myself time, peace to reflect on mum every few days. Mother’s Day I went to her home, my step father lives there still, all her things are still there, as difficult as it was it was also beautiful to ‘feel’ her so close, I wore her jumper, smelt her perfume… Very painful but also a comfort.Talked to her at her grave.

One thing I’ve recently found very valuable is a group councelling/reflection group run by the loss foundation. To talk face to face with others having similar experiences and feelings,has been very cathartic, & lifted the cloud of lonliness, to talk to people who just ‘get it’. My friends are great but few are without their parents.

I’m so pleased you feel less alone, you may feel all over the place/burning in pain, but you have reached out, which shows strength through such difficult times.

You mentioned just wanting to cry and cry… Let yourself.

Thank you for asking how I’m coping despite your very new loss. Just a day at a time hey.

Take care,
Jules.

Hi Jules
Thank you for writing back - it is really nice reading your words.
I am 42, coming up to 43, and have lived with my Mum for many years. We did everything together, everyday. I should have returned to work but I enjoyed being at home with my mum and being able to be a full-time mum to my daughter. So at the moment I don’t have a job and really don’t know what work to return to. The house is terrible empty without her and everything reminds me of her. It is just so weird that she is not here anymore.
My mum supported me emotionally and financially so now I have to do that by myself and almost feel out of my depth. I know I will get a job and cope moneywise but it is the emotional side I cannot replace and her loving company day to day.

I have spent the last two months at the hospital with her, so even though we weren’t at home I was still in her company the whole day.

I am going to try a couple of groups, one next week and the other in a couple of weeks, and am trying to get one-to-one sessions too.

Life felt complete being close to her, with my daughter and brother at home.

Anyway, thank you for being there to chat with.

Hi Racs,

I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? Did you end up going to that support group this week?

It is still very early days for you, so you will probably need to just take things day by day for the moment. Hopefully you can take some time before you need to be thinking about finding a new job?

It sounds as though you were such a close family and got a lot out of living with your mum. Are you able to talk to your brother about how you’re feeling?

Hi Priscilla
Thank you for your message. It is really good to hear from you. The support group was very good but I have been very down since my mum’s funeral. I thought I was coping but now life seems worse. I am so very sad without my mum. I feel myself getting panicky and depressed. It is just such a shock. I feel as if I am having a bad dream and want to desperately wake up from it. My heart is aching and I don’t understand why life has to be so painful. Thank you for being there. Racs

Hi Racs,

Just thought I would reply and see how you are?

Really good to hear you went to a group and found it helpful. Do you think you will return? Or try the second one you mentioned?

I can empathise with you wanting to wake from a bad dream, I have felt those things to. It’s such early days to be expecting yourself to be coping. Some days you may feel you are,in some way,& others not so much.

Have you been able to reach out to any friends or family members? You mentioned your brother?

Try to remember that all your feeling, loss, shock, sadness, depression, anxiety & much more possibly is really usual, & there is a path through it, one day at a time.

Thinking of you,
Julia.

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