Missing my partner

My partner of twenty years died a month ago after a painful decline over two years with pulmonary fibrosis. It’s a horrible disease. It slowly took away everything that made her life worth living, so that she wanted to die towards the end. I have endured loss before, when my first wife died, but I was much younger and much healthier then. I cry every day, and I struggle to even start to come to terms with my loss. Everything I look at brings a reminder. My family have been very, very good, but they do not live near me, and have their own busy lives to lead. Neighbours offer to help, but all I see when I visit is that they still have their loved one, and I don’t. I know that I have to try and cope, and start to do things again, but it’s hard, very hard.

Hi Malcolm im very sorry for your loss and welcome to this special club |(im 57 my wife was 41 )Take it 1 day at a time if legally you dont have to do something my advice is dont .Give yourself some me time because the nightmare will still be there when you return to normal life .Happy couples dont understand your pain they mean well .And i junderstand you looking at couples and being jealous etc .1on 1 at this early stage id try .Have you seen your gp also have you enquired about CRUSE bereavement councelling.Also the samaritians (i do all 3 and not 1 of them say shouldnt you be moving on ) talking to happy people i being asked this its been nearly a year i thought youd be over it by now .Talk to people on here we understand your pain and will never judge just give advice hope ive and can help Colin

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Hello Malcolm, so sorry to hear of your loss and also that you have suffered before.

Just to add to Colin’s message, many of us put a very heavy and unnecessary burden on ourselves by our expectations of trying to cope. In my early days after I lost my wife Helen I was completely at the mercy of my feelings, now after some 4 months I do not cry every day. I do not know whether I am coping or not, and to be honest some days, to quote, Scarlet O’Hara I don’t give a damn - death may have taken the person but not the relationship. Having been the long term carer for your wife, and the fact that it was a very distressing disease, means that you have had a lot of trauma, and I do think Colin is spot on about counselling. But coping, as the outside world sees it, and starting to do things again, is for you to do in your own time. You are not alone on this site and we are all thinking about each other. Best wishes, Alan

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Thanks Colin and Alan. It is good to speak to someone else who has shared this nightmare. I still find it difficult to take in that I shall never see her again. I know that I am being selfish in wishing she was back, because I know that her life had become a misery and that she wanted to go even though it meant leaving me. The advice I give to people now is to tell their partners that they love them, and tell them again, because one day they won’t be able to.

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