Missing my wife so much am I selfish

Well I am one week down the road from my wife’s passing, she died at age 56 After a short illness and emergency surgery ,I am absolutely devastated and cannot get out of my head what if this and what if that ,I feel I have so much let her down ,she had 2 brain aneurysms 28 years ago and had to retire from the nursing job she loved ,from that point on she worked so hard to live a normal life and much to her surprise we had a baby girl some 25 years ago ,she has loved her daughter all this time and they had a dog and cat relationship where her daughter loved her back
All this came crashing down when Eileen died on July the 4th, wasn’t expected as i said earlier ,since then I haven’t been able to stop crying ,for Eileen and for the fact I felt I let her down by not keeping her alive ,over her last week everyone was telling me how it would be best for her to pass given the ascemic bowl operation ,all I wanted was for her to stay alive although she was out of it in an hospice for the last 36 hours ,I felt so annoyed as everybody thought she would be best passing ,best for who l thought,of course I was being selfish ,she was given a stoma which her family said she would have hated ,sorry for waffling but I loved her so much and feel robbed and hurt all at the same time ,sure time will heal but can’t feel that at the moment ,I so miss her x

Theres nothing selfish about not wanting the love of your life to stay with you Stevet , why would you want to not have things stay the same by having your wife at your side. I know you are not alone in wishing things could be different .Please be kind to yourself at this most difficult of times …your grief will be very raw with only having been a week since your wife passed . There is no right or wrong way to feel when you have suffered a loss whether it sudden or expected. I know I personally bounce in and out of many emotions in the early days there was a numbness and surreal feeling , sprinkled with anger …as the world dared to go on as normal …I’m 18 weeks along that path they call grief …but that longing for things to be the way they were are still as strong as that first day …but I remind myself that I need to be kind to myself on bad days …I hope you find a way to do the same for yourself …take care


I’m only 5 weeks in of the most traumatic period of my life. Please try and be kind to yourself as I have been struggling massively with guilt. My friend’s and family are massively supportive but this site does help💙

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Hello, I empathise so fully with your emotions and what you are going through. I am in a similar position after losing my wife to lung cancer in May. I know exactly where you are now. You are definitely not alone. I’ve been assured that feelings of guilt are normal. I have felt similarly, could I have done more for my Annie? I can sympathise also with your feelings of being robbed of the person you loved. It is so painful and if you are like me, you will feel in the depths of despair. I have been helped by meeting with one or two friends just to talk things through. I miss my wife more than I can say, but here on this forum, we can at least reassure each other that there are people who sympathise and care. My good wishes go out to you at this most dreadful time for you.

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Hi Rob
Thanks so much for the message ,it’s really nice ,I feel robbed and see Jack Charlton dying at 85 and feeling hurt that he had nearly 30 more years than Eileen
So sorry for your loss of Annie it must have been awful for you both ,the time leading up to Eileens passing gave me time to talk to her and she said and discussed things that she never discussed when well, it’s got to be the worst time of my life at the moment , my daughter is only 24 and I burst into tears at h
her strength ,wish I could be the same for her although I know she is hurting badly inside at losing her mum so young
Thanks again for your words they are much appreciated x

Hi Steve. I’m so sorry and along with others fully understand what you are going through. Unfortunately I lost my Allison on 28 may suddenly after doctor’s said she’s going through menapause for last 3 years when she actually had womb, lung, bone marrow and lymphatic system cancer. We were given diagnoses and she passed 2 days later. She was 53 and for over 20 was a staff nurse. We were married for nearly 23 years. I’m 6 weeks on but am still stunned. Can’t stand life and I wonder if I could have done anything different.
As others have said you need to look after yourself but I know easier said than done.
Take care my friend. Jay

Hi Jay ,thanks so much I realise it’s only a week but all the same don’t understand how I am going to stop missing her, your good lady’s diagnosis must have been such a shock ,Eileen was a staff nurse/sister before the aneurisms and said it was best days of her life , good luck on your journey ,I feel like I want to be on the journey with her at this time but look at my daughter and realise it’s not possible , really appreciate your thoughts and very many condolences for your loss
Steve x

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Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. You said your wife should have had another 30 years and that is true. But my darling husband was 81 when he died a few weeks ago. Believe me . . That is not enough either.
I wish you peace and happy memories.

Hi Ann
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts ,sure it will get easier but I miss her so so much even though we drove each other mad at times ,I just feel robbed and so empty
Best wishes

Well, driving each other mad sometimes is, to me, the sign of a strong marriage. You ain’t live with someone for many years without getting irritated sometimes. Didn’t mean you weren’t happy.

Thanks Ann because I feel guilty at being cross sometimes ,she was disabled after a couple of aneurysms and could say some hurtful stuff which I reacted to sometimes ,everyone says I kept her going for 25 years and just wish I could have kept her going longer
Thanks Steve xxxxx

Hi Ann
Your so right and couldn’t have put it better. No amount of time is enough with someone you love so much and age is immaterial. Whatever the age the loss is still as heartbreaking.
Pat xx

Hi Steve
Our marriage should never have worked as we was different as ‘chalk and cheese’. However we managed to recognise how different we were.
My husband was also saying hurtful things in his last weeks and I sometimes reacted. However on one occasion he did say ‘That Pat, she goes at everything like a bull in a China shop’ How well he knew me even in his last days and it made me laugh through my tears. Like you I was told I had kept my husband going for a lot longer than the medical profession expected but it still isn’t long enough is it. I am now learning to be grateful for the years we did have and not blaming myself for the years we won’t have.

You would have to be a saint not to react sometimes. I don’t think you were lashing out at your wife, as such, it the situation. I once found myself really angry with my husband for being dead! How unfair is that when all he wanted was the life he loved?
Grief says a lot of things it doesn’t mean. It wasn’t you talking, it was grief.
Don’t feel bad. It wasn’t your fault. X

Thank you XX

Thank you xxx