Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since my gorgeous beautiful girlfriend lost her battle with life and took her own life .
She was so graceful,intelligent,kind ,caring ,loving ,Compassionate and passionate & she was an alcoholic.
In what was the final hrs with her in a video call ,she was scared ,and in fear she wasn’t going to make the end of the day .
I reassured her and supported her with my adoration and unconditional love .
She became calm and reassured and returned to her herself but I could see she was extremely intoxicated.
Whilst On This call she suddenly became agitated again and turned off the camera and I could her her in tremendous pain ,she said she had just tied to kill herself and I said I’m in my way darling I’ll be there in 20 mins “20 mins ? Please baby’s come over “….
The call got disconnected as I drove to her and kept calling her over and over …and when I arrived I could get in ,her phone unanswered as was her door bell I called the police but by the time we got in and the police arrived it was all too late .
My amazing incredible beautiful love of my life had killed herself . (Method removed by OC manager)
Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is a very traumatic and abusive one so much of the time ,but I didn’t ever loose faith in her ,believe in her and never did I unconditionally not love her no matter what .
But it simply wasn’t enough.
Her childhood ,teenage adverse childhood experiences,trauma and addiction was too much to live with .
She said in her thirties that she’s didn’t want to live to 50 years old .
She died just 4 weeks after her 50th birthday.
I know she is now at peace and no longer suffering.
She tried and tried to live a sober life and let go of the past ,but daily triggers ,family and the compulsion to drink when the triggers came ,was simply too tiring for her and as she said in those last minutes
“I just want salvation,peace and to not feel anything anymore “ .
As a survivor of a partner who took their own life by suicide the trauma and PTSD is a daily waking moment of the daily overwhelming feeling that is all encompassing.
And I feel so so alone in my grief and bereavement.