Mixed Emotions

Hi, this is my first post although I have been reading posts on the site since January when I lost my partner. I was with my partner for 6 years I am divorced 10 years he was separated but never got divorced which always bothered me but he always said it was for financial reasons and I was not dependent on him in any way as I work myself, however he never told his children who are 41 and 36 with their own children. He collapsed in my house New Year’s Eve and died of a stroke 2 weeks later, I was frozen out completely from then on and didn’t feel I could go to his funeral although my two children did as he had lived with us for 5 years, now I just think he made a fool of me and I just don’t know what to feel as I miss him but think none of it was real. I wish I had the lovely memories you all have.

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss my happy memories I just want back I want my soulmate back in my arms of seventeen years im utterly heartbreakon destroyed such a empty heavy heart panic anxiety doesn’t seem real or right did you attempt to go to the funeral if you don’t mind me asking what was the reason you think his children never knew did you live in the same area would if have caused strain?im so sorry to hear this

No both his children lived 40 miles away, I think for some reason he wanted to pretend he was on his own and didn’t want to hurt them even though his ex wife had found another partner, I should have insisted on the truth being told as all my family knew him. I was was to blame too, just wish I had the memories you have, you should treasure them x

I really appreciate it from the bottom of my broken empty heart your kind words my pain is too raw to take anything in I kerp looking around the house for him looking out of the window thinking he will walk up the street tell myself he’s at the shops can’t believe what’s happened I was 22 he was 23 when met we moved in after three months and had seventeen years together I cant let go of the fear in his eyes as we were being rushed to critical care as if help me all I could do was hold his hand I felt so helpless where he fell asleep in my arms six months ago on Wednesday gone the house is so empty and silent I just want to be with him he passed away three months before his 40th birthday I cant describe how I felt at the chapel of rest having to read him his Christmas and birthday card out and lay his birthday badge out etc…im traumatised
I really feel for you I see your point if his ex had a new partner you had no reason to be kept a secret it’s so so sad im sorry I cant offer anymore words if comfort we all have a different pain and anguish second to second just remember he loved you to be with you o know it’s all so confusing and you will have a million doubts I don’t know what this life is anymore it’s a living nightmare lool after yourself please take care x

I have lost my brother when he was 30 and my mum when she was 56 so I know the pain of loss all too well but the loss of a soulmate is something different altogether because they are there to help you through, but you will and must try to get through, you are here for a purpose one of them was to love him dearly now you can let others know there really is such a thing as true love and you have others in your life who value you I’m sure . Just put on foot in front of the other and try walk on xx

I’m so sorry to hear about your brother and mum at a young age may god rest there souls your soo right I lost my grandma a few years ago she was old and wanted to go but this has blew my world apart Im still off work as I had a breakdown im completely hearbroken and traumatised over the pain my partner was in your so so right when it’s the one you love share a home with I cant bring myself to even put the television on since October dint see the point on pulling out one cup when there should be two my friends all have understanderly got there own lives and it’s hard to explain when someone can’t relate to that loss im 40 next month breaks me to think he’d be teasing me now the pain and anguish is unbearable thankyou for your kind words means alot and you take care of yourself at this horrendous time too a million questions regrets should I could I would I all unanswered jyst left with a crippling pain like no other take care message anytime you need I’ll always try and get back sending a hug xx

You take care too, I feel so sad to hear your pain you are obviously in deep pain I can relate to you about seeing your soulmate in those last moments and especially if he looked scared, when my partner collapsed off the couch I just went into shock and terror until the ambulance arrived and if I let myself think about it all I can see is him lying on the floor looking completely different but I cope by blocking it out which I know is not right at least you are letting yourself remember even if it is painful and your experience sounds much worse. I know nothing can be said to ease your pain but try to be kind as you can to yourself he would want that , after all you have known each other since you were young and sounds like you have known true love, people live a long life and don’t know such love x

I can understand what you mean you just feel hopeless like you can’t do anything for the one you love just wish they hold on its the worst thing ever I dint think I’ll ever recover from the trauma or losing him Christmas I stayed home his birthday was the January was awful easter weekend I couldn’t even open the blinds thinking wed either be away somewhere or out for a walk and some drinks it’s a never ending nightmare i just feel like I’m drowning but it’s been not under these circumstances talking to you but I appreciate your kind words and hope in time you find some peace I cant see I ever will we had our future mapped out your in my thoughts and prayers stay blessed take care of yourself speak later xx