My mom died suddenly on Jan. 1,21 and today was hard for me. I was wondering if anyone else feels massive waves of grief hit you out of no where and what do you do as it washes over you?
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Serendiptiy,
I’m sorry that you lost your Mum. I lost mine Mum suddenly too 15 months ago. I know how hard it is. You just hang on when grief washes over your. You take it hour by hour and day by day. If somewhere along the line you get a good hour. Embrace it.
Below is a poem, which I’ve posted previously.
An old mans answer to a question - My friends just died I don’t know what to do?
"Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks".
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Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. You aren’t alone and this is a good place to talk to people in similar circumstances. I lost my mum suddenly in Oct and know exactly what you mean about the waves of grief. For me they still come absolutely out the blue, one minute I think I’m ok and then the next the grief hits me like a tonne of bricks and I’m crying my eyes out. I will say the times in between those waves is now a bit longer. The first 6 weeks were the worst. Now I have days when I’m not so sad and I’m grateful for a little rest from the sadness. All you can do is let it out. I cry, I talk to my mums pictures and tell her everything I need to say and I try to tell my family when I’m having a bad day. Then I look for something lighthearted on tv. Rewatching Friends has helped me, but everyone finds their own way to cope.
Life will never be the same, but hopefully each day will get a little easier x
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Sorry to hear about your mom .I lost my mom along time ago and it does get easier but the pain never stops .In June 2020 I lost my 29 year old son suddenly and this pain for me is so different to the pain of my mom . My mom was a amazing mom and was there for all of us and my best friend .Please be strong and think of good times and always talk about her xx
I felt that all the time!! And it’s not as bad or as often now being 1 & 2 yrs on passing for my dad and mum… but I did feel like I’m going crazy and completely overwhelmed with such grief at times…
Hi, I lost my dad suddenly on the 2nd of Jan and it hurts everyday my dad was a massive part of my life we spoke for over a hour a day on facetime and I visited once or twice a week., i did his shopping cleaning and anything else he needed. I feel completely lost
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Hello,
My mum also died suddenly on 31st December 2020, so the day before your mum died.
I’ve also been experiencing huge waves of grief…I’ve cried every day. The worst times for me are evenings and night time, its almost like it builds up during the day and lets rip at night.
My mum, although elderly herself, was fit and well and her death was an accident, which feels doubly hard. I guess I’m just plodding through the days, hoping that the grief will lesson over time. I do think that the death of one’s mother is one of the hardest bereavements to endure.
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Thank you, today I have been getting so angry and counting down the days until I move to California. Do you think it’s ok for me to leave my stepdad in Texas and get on with my life and live with my dad in California ?
I think if you feel right to move, I’m going to move as I was only staying for my dad