Moments of absolute desperation...

Hello everyone. I feel a desperate need to talk to someone this morning so I turn to you all. Thank you for being there. I try to be positive and mostly I am but 21 months after losing my darling husband I still have moments of absolute desperation and today that’s where I am. The smallest things can become the biggest. Together we could conquer the world but alone I feel so small and helpless. This morning I simply cannot stop crying. This is the me that very few people see day to day but as you all know we have a depth of hidden pain that others cannot even begin to imagine and boy does it hurt. I have times when I want to run away from everything and everybody, to go somewhere alone and where nobody knows me. As you can see I am wallowing in self pity today but I think as grievers that is our right, although not always helpful. I’ve written in my journal and poured my heart out to my husband and now here so I hope I’m going to feel a little better for offloading. Thank you everyone for listening. I now need to go and sort my face out as I have to go to work soon. So onwards and upwards and on goes the mask again to face the rest of the day.

Sending love xx

In a way it worries me that I could be like that after 21 months, and in another way I just don’t care… Let it be. Where does it come from I wonder, is it just out of nowhere or is it triggered by something obvious and tangible. Can it be be avoided or sidestepped, need it be.
I’ve got a “quiet” week this week, not much on the calendar. If I want human contact I have to go looking for it. I’m coming to realise that two triggers for introspection and self pity, that affect me, are tiredness and being alone. Not exactly earth shattering is it. I can identify with Absolute Desperation… the end of the continuum. I suppose what matters is how long does it take to recover from it and are you getting better at that recovery. How can we shrink the mountains back to molehills. Why does the positivity that worked yesterday not work today. Maybe it’s just an integral part of the process, a reinforcement that makes us stronger. I wish there were some easy answers and that we could just understand it and take it all on board.
I hope your day gets better, Kate, and you get to smile today.

Thank you for your reply YorkshireLad. Thought provoking as ever. I love how you look at situations and emotions in a logical way and even a psychological way. If only it were that simple, hey? Your last sentence, although simple and kind, set me off once more. If I’m honest I think we will have moments such as this for the rest of our lives. I think you’re right in that one of the triggers may be the feeling of being alone. I never feel lonely but I do feel alone, so alone, at times.
Thanks again YorkshireLad. I’m off to work soon so feel sure I will get to smile today and of course, I’ll have company which is key. Xx

I cannot help but respond to this post of yours, Kate. I don’t like at all that you feel this way today, or any other day either for that matter. I will always remember you being the first person to respond to me when I joined this site a few weeks ago, for that I am eternally grateful.

No one will ever be able to take away your pain, obviously you know that already, but always we are right here to listen and talk back to you, you know that also. But, do you know this, you’re dealing with your grief amazingly, your husband is the angel on your shoulder, he hasn’t left you, why would he, he never will. You have achieved so very much in the last 21 months and your husband will be so very proud of you. Let’s think of it this way, it’s 21 months since he was here with you and that can only mean it’s 21 months closer to you being with him again. In the meantime carry on doing what you do, being amazing, and such a massive support to all on this forum on top of everything else. I am so sorry you feel so bad today but yes, you’re allowed times like these, it is your right.

Someone told me this once; my husband may have died but he will never be dead’… I wonder who it was who said those words to me!!!

So Kate, get your face on, get yourself to work, take your husband with you, accept that this morning was another realisation and a release of grief and then…remember those words and say after me… my husband may have died but he will NEVER be dead! Here’s to a better afternoon for you.

Lots of love and hugs for you today xxx

Hello Kate
Sending hugs to you today.Its all down to our inner strength isn’t it.It is impossible to maintain that strength every moment of the day,and i’m sure we are not meant to.
You are a strong lady Kate,reading your posts show that,and you are never alone.
And our pain does run deep,no wonder it comes back to bite and no doubt will do many times.
Our lives are so short,this is not for ever,I have days like you Kate,as do we all.I found it best not to resist any emotions when they come ,just let them,as we think it makes us more vulnerable,and actually that is what makes us stronger.
One day we will all be with our loved ones again,until then like you Kate,onwards and upwards.xx

Hi there Kate, so sorry your having one pf ‘those’ days. You have already received some wonderful replies, I can’t think that I can add much but just to let you know that I’m really thinking of you as I too have days like your having. I’ve always been a pretty strong person but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be reduced to such weakness. My husband wouldn’t recognise me I’m sure and would tell me to stop making a fuss. But when these days come there is just no controlling them is there. I go with them, treat it as grieving, part of the healing process, so I’m told. I cry and write my feeling down and feel much better later on for having done this. I was at my allotment this morning and felt one of those moments coming on, how I wanted Brian to walk up the path and knowing he never would reduced me to tears (yet again). So I’m moving and spreading barrow loads of muck, making paths and preparing beds for planting and having a good cry at the same time. While I’m like this. I feel totally useless and wonder why I’m still on this earth and he isn’t. You know what’s it’s like. Now I feel much better, the despair has passed and I hopefully will have a reprieve for a while. So you see your really not alone we all know ‘that feeling’. Hope you are facing up to your day better now also. God Bless.

Sweet, sweet ladies - thank you so much for your support. I don’t know what went wrong today. It took every bit of strength to hold back the tears on my drive to work but I still wasn’t entirely successful. Anyway, I’m in bed now and catching up on your posts. Thanks again everyone. Here’s to a better day tomorrow. Sending love xx

Dear Kate, yes, a better day today; he’ll be with you, as ever, right shoulder, guiding you onwards and upwards. With love, x

Dear Kate and friends
I so hope everyone has a kinder day today…those days when gunky grief decides to stab us anew are horrible and seem to come out of nowhere but we just have to accept them secure in our knowledge that they will pass and we will get a little serenity back tomorrow. Easy to write …not always so easy to do …but we have each other on this forum to share the load! I leave you with the sentiment expressed to me by so many strangers when Barry died in Brittany…“Bonne Courage mon ami” x

Kate, hope your having a better day, even if the weather stinks. When those tears want to come then let them. Big time if you feel the need. I do, although it’s a bit awkward in the middle of a supermarket or on the bus. That’s why I love walking and my allotments as I can let go, no one can see me and I feel a lot better for it afterwards. Good luck

Thank you Pattidot, for thinking of me. Feeling better today but it’s always difficult letting the tears flow knowing I have to go to work. Walking is great and I often cry in the car on my way home. Sending you love xx

Hi Kate Thought I was having a pretty reasonable day today even if I was fed up being stuck in the house because of the weather. Went for a long walk this morning along the beach with the dogs, arrived home before the rain and all was well. Then I decided to do some yoga and the words of Whitney (Houston) set me off and I ended up on the floor, not doing yoga but crying. My little dog Bugsy started licking my face so I had to get up and take the dogs for a walk. Meltdown over for today!!!

I’m probably not the best person to offer words of support when I’m a mess myself,but just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you,and everyone else on this site,Corinna xx

I had a rotten start to the day. Saturday always a struggle as the day Brian died. Walking the dogs, I sat in churchyard on a bench in the rain crying, just couldn’t hold back. What a pathetic sight I must have been. Fortunately no one daft enough to be out in that weather to see me. Must admit once I had got it out of my system I felt much better and carried on with the walk in the pouring rain. My point is never hold the pain inside you. I wonder how long I’m going to want to cry so much. Take care.

Dear Kate,
I think we all have days like that and on this site it always feels that we are holding each other up. Just knowing that people here are thinking of me and caring about me raises me up and I in turn think of everyone else.
Hope you are having a better day and sending you lots lots of love xxx

Thank you Victoria. Winging some love right back to you. I agree, this site can definitely be a lifeline. Even amidst our own misery and sadness, everyone on here seems to manage to shine through with kindness and support.

Dear Victoria and everyone, I hope your Sunday is as good as it can be. Much love xx

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