Well it’s back to work today after a grueling weekend. Weekends are the hardest for me. Monday morning I start my day off crying and then wonder how the day is going to progress. I am hoping that I have a okay day at work but you never never know moods change so quickly. I feel like the reality of my son being dead is really setting in. I have only been on this site for 3 days and I think the discussions I have had and the things that I able to post have brought things to the surface. That is not a bad thing it’s actually a good thing because it’s going to help me process my feelings even though they are painful. Well I hope everyone else has a better day than the day before.
4 Likes
Hi @Racy123,
I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling here; I’m glad the support of the community is helping a bit. I hope your Monday is going better than you had hoped.
Take care
Seaneen
Online Community Manager
Thank you so much the day is not going as bad as I thought I’m on my lunch right now and I did have a good cry but it could be worse and I am thankful that it isn’t.
Tuesday, May 17th 2022, I woke up today crying, I will be off to work at 8:00 and I hope the day goes good. Yesterday wasn’t so bad. I have come to the conclusion that I am crying more because I am getting my feelings out and being able to talk to everyone on this site has helped. I have a habit of holding my feelings in and that is not making me feel any better it’s just making me anxious so now I’m making a conscious effort to cry when I feel like crying. Not so much at work but when I get home instead of holding it in I let it out. I am finally a little by little dealing with my pain.
1 Like
Good for you Racy. You are very brave. Your son is proud of you. Love 
and hugs 🫂 Ann xx
Thank you I appreciate it I am trying… I don’t want to be in this state forever I want to move forward as painful as it is. I just have to learn to be patient with myself and stop worrying while other people are saying or thinking about the time span you should be over it.
2 Likes
Racy, it’s nothing to do with anyone else, it’s about you taking however long it takes to get to where you want to be.
We are all different and no one has the right to tell anyone else how they should be.
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
Love Ann xx
1 Like
Thank you I appreciate that sometimes people get in your head and you start doubting your own decisions. I think people do that because they want you to be the way you used to be. Sometimes I feel it’s selfish and other times I feel like they just want you to feel better
1 Like
Everyone who loses a child is vulnerable. You’ve had a huge shock and everyone else looks like they know what they are doing. Some of them aren’t able to even contemplate the size of your loss, so they say unhelpful things even while being well meaning. I saw a utube presentation about loss and she used models to explain grief. One glass jar filled to the top with grief - how we tend to feel when it happens, nothing else inside but grief, second jar the grief has abated slightly but the jars still nearly full of grief and only a tiny space for everything else. Third jar is bigger, the grief is the same size but there’s room in there for other things and space to care for ourselves and others. In time it’s possible to cope with the grief and still live a life ourselves. I know I won’t be the person I was before but I have hope that I can grow a bigger heart so there’s room for my loss and a space for me to carry on. Hope this makes some sense. X
2 Likes
Just had a reminder of the middle sized jar, with only a tiny space for ourselves. Soon as I sent you that message I found myself bursting into tears and thinking how selfish I was to think of myself and moving forward without my daughter. My head says it’s good to begin to take the first tentative steps to cope, and my heart says ‘not yet’. It’s still early days and we deserve to be kind to ourselves, as best we can.
1 Like
We just are a jar full of so many mixed feelings as well as the grief. Guilt is one of them, and disloyalty if we catch ourselves not thinking of our lost one for a minute, but I know that’s not wise, we love them always but we need eventually to do something positive with our own lives. I do feel that’s the best way to honour them, if we can find the way.
1 Like
Good morning and thank you, I totally understand and I love the analogy of the glass jars. There are times when you will feel guilty that you are moving forward. The other day I had a good laugh and I said to myself oh should I be laughing? And yes you are right we should be kind to ourselves as best as we can.
1 Like
Wednesday May 18th 2022. I got out of bed a little easier today got dress came downstairs talk to my fiance and had a cup of coffee. I cried a little bit it seems to be the thing now in the morning before I go to work. I wake up in the morning thinking what is the day going to bring. Is it going to be a good day, bad, day, or somewhere in between. Sometimes when I go to work I get a little anxious because I have to put on a front of being okay it can get exhausting. Work helps though usually in the middle of the day I start feeling better. When it’s time time to leave work on my way home I start feeling sad even though I have my fiance there it’s just something about walking into my home. My son before he died had his own apartment for about a year but still he grew up in this house so maybe that’s why when I get home I feel sad. Grief for me right now it feels a lot like fear I don’t like that feeling it immobilizes me. Has anyone been in that stage where they feel like fearful of doing certain things because you might break down in public and you don’t want that vulnerability to show. I am trying to figure out how do I get past that?
For me, but this is just me, I don’t do anything in public other than go to the shops, which I find quite impersonal. I only meet up with family. If I meet someone I feel I need to tell about Katherine, however ok I think I am going to be, I always end up crying, but that is just how it is.
2 Likes
Hi Ann and everyone,
I haven’t even been able to face going in a shop yet. Luckily my partner has been happy to do any shopping.
I think we haven’t been on this rocky road very long yet…have we. Andrew only died 20th March and his funeral was 22nd April.
Today I’ve been at his flat…where he lived for over 10 years . I packed away all his little ornaments…nothing expensive or tasteful, he was too sentimental for those sort of things. A tall candle holder covered in mini bagpusses…a momento from a previous relationship. A green frog, an ornament which was his Grandmas…who died a couple of years ago. All the silly fossils,candles, Tremar pottery that I’d given him.
All his massive collection of DVDs.
My heart was breaking with everything I picked up
I didn’t do much…I couldn’t cope, I thought my heart would stop…the palpitations were so bad.
Now I’m home and sobbing. He was such a massive part of my life…I’ve lost him, his dog, his flat…my whole life really.
Does it ever get any easier??
I’ve been reading everyone else’s posts…wanting to reply but finding it very hard to find the words.
Helen …your granddaughters are beautiful.
Love Sue xxx
Hugs to you all xxx
2 Likes
I am so so sorry for the loss of you son it must have been hard going into his apartment and cleaning it out. I know how that feels I had to do the same thing and it tore me apart. My son and I were really close too ,so I feel your pain. I worried about son’s cat getting a good home because he loved his cat so much, I couldn’t keep it but we managed to get it a good home. My heart goes out to you and if you need to talk someone I am here.
2 Likes
Thank you Racy,
I’ve been reading your posts too and am amazed at how you are coping with work after losing both your daughter and your son.
I was lucky that my ex husband, Andrew’s dad, was able to take Ash…the dog. He already has 2 little dogs and Ash ( a bull lurcher) was used to staying with them occasionally. Andrew loved Ash to bits so he’ll be happy to know he’s being well looked after.
I’ve mentioned before about how much Andrew loved his flat…only 5 minutes drive from my home…which was Andrew’s home from a baby. I have always loved my home but had the same warm ,happy feeling whenever I was in Andrews flat. Now it’s just heartbreaking. I just can’t believe he’ll never again stand at his kitchen window watching the swifts.
We were so close…his dad always used to laugh and say to him “Whatever will you do if anything happens to your mum?”
You never , ever think it will be your child that goes before you.
I’m glad you’re finding it a help talking to others on this site. It’s a small comfort to know others understand the pain we’re all going through.
Love Sue xxxxx
1 Like
Yes so I had an older daughter who committed suicide about 7 years ago. I think I got through that because of her mental illness and I was relieved that she was not in pain anymore. Of course I grieved , and loved her dearly but it wasn’t the same kind of grief that I am experiencing now. Now you should probably have read I was in denial for 4 months. Just going along going to work going out like nothing happened. Then at the end of February I got triggered and everything started coming out. I feel this is harder because my son was just starting out and he was my baby. He was kind loving understanding and my best friend. He would text and talk to each other everyday. Right now I I’m taking it day by day like I said I feel funny when I go out in public I get anxious. I felt that way too when my daughter passed. As time went on those anxious feelings subsided but, when you are in so much pain you forget that time will heal some of those wounds. I read your story and tears came to my eyes because I can relate so much. I know he is gone ,but my heart has not caught up with my head yet.
2 Likes
I just want to share this morning I got up was drinking a cup of coffee and wondering how my day was going to go. I live in the US and I am sitting down watching the news and a story comes on that 19 children in elementary school and two teachers were killed by a gunman that came into the school. My heart sunk and I started crying because I feel the pain of those parents. These kids were only 7,8,9, and 10 years old such a tragedy for the whole community. 
2 Likes
That is so so sad, we had the story here too.
We in the UK find it hard to understand US gun laws, how a boy can buy devastating weapons.
Hope you’re not too depressed by this news, tho I’m sure you are.
Sending love Ann xx
1 Like