I’ve always thought my son died on the Thursday night, I went to work on the Friday morning, afterwards went and got my nails done, just a normal day until at 1830 I opened his bedroom door and found him. I have so much guilt that I didn’t check in on him first thing, he was off work, I thought he was having a lay in. I did phone him during the day, but he often didn’t answer or switched his phone off, so I didn’t suspect anything at all.
I guess we all blame ourselves for different things, I keep telling myself the ‘ifs’ won’t change anything now,
xx
We do our intrim death certificate says 3rd, but i know it would have been earky hours of 2nd, he never accessed his phone after 1.30am.
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I actually spoke to him at 0315 (Friday morning) I could hear him, he was FaceTiming his best friend. He apologised for waking me, he went to the bathroom and said night night, the last words he spoke to me xx
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I lost my son 11/12.20 according to the - I hate this word mortary I have a brain fog of late and can not get the proper word. I saw him on the Monday and we were going to spend crimbo together as my DD has OCd and my older son was in Manchester with his 3 kids. Towards the end of the week none of us could get hold of him. We called the police broke into his flat on the 11th and the rest is awful history. Thing is my DD was saying she had been trying to call him from Tuesday and I saw him the Monday. So his death date would have been the 8th according to DD. I think the coroners go by the date of finding. It has been hard writing this really hard. Anyways it seems the corners date is set in stone. I was watching a story on the news and this lovely brave girl was talking about losing her leg. I thought I would give up both my legs sit here in a wheelchair like Frida Kahlo just to have him back. Thanks for listening. x
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I hate the weekends, it will be 3 weeks tomorrow so this time 3 weeks ago she was still alive.
I’m having a bad, bad, bad day today
Total breakdown while out for coffee with my sister and still not able to get it things under control
I just want to die and be with her, hate my life and everything in it xx
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Its only 3 weeks, it will take a lot longer a child is like no other relative, i wouldn’t even make it out for a coffee yet, so you have done well.
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I too hate Fridays, today I’ve had a bad day, cry, cry, cry, eyes are so sore tonight. I remember that Friday like it was today. Sometimes I don’t think I’m making any progress and just wonder how I can make it without my son. I’m back to minute by minute xx
I have been exactly the same, emotions out of control. Went for a walk with one of my friends and cried most of it. Please don’t hide your emotions as keeping it bottled up doesn’t help. Remember minute by minute and keep messaging on here. We are all able to in our own ways support each other and be here for each other. Take care xx
That feeling of guilt we have is horrendous. My Friday was found message he had sent Thursday evening for me to order some new work socks, I messaged him Friday morning, we were always messaging, no reply, rang no reply, went for a swim as normal, checked phone, nothing, went to his flat 10 miles away, knocked the door, put the key in and went in. Work clothes all folded neatly, went in the bedroom, called him, then touched his arm, then the panic set in and my world collapsed for ever. The guilt I had for going for a swim, not going earlier, I know when I’m rational the outcome would still be the same. I saw him on the Wednesday, hanging out together at his flat, last word bye Mum, see you Saturday, love you. I will never forget those words til the day I did. Sorry I’m just rambling again. We have to get through this bell somehow xx
I hate Fridays as well I call it That Friday. I can sometimes look at a few videos I have of my son and look at photos, but sometimes I just can’t…crazy emotions and then I get upset xx
I can’t be home. She is everywhere and nowhere. She is here in the little gifts she bought, the Pooh Bear on the fire place, my favourite board game, the mini felt Sherlock Holmes, the candle on the window sill. She is here in the boulder that sits on my chest, she is here in the breath I cannot take, she is here in the tears that fall and the anguish I scream but she is nowhere. She’s not there for me to hold, she’s not there for me to kiss, she’s not here to make me laugh, she’s not there for me to hear.
She knew I would be a shadow without her, she fought so hard to stay, I am less than a shadow.
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I think a lot of us go into the ground with our child. I am not the same person I was. That expression -mad with grief - I feel like that at times.
It is another morning - one day closer to being with him - it will be his birthday Monday so meeting daughter to go be with him at his resting place. I am sitting here 5ish the morning on laptop, drinking tea and vaping and that pain in my heart is always the loudest. I am going to rest today and tidy up tomorrow so I am at my best for his birthday. love to all mums & dads in this living nightmare. laters
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They’ve arrived to dig her grave
I want to ask them to dig deeper so I can go in too
‘So where do you want her head to go?’
I want it here, next to mine, her sitting beside me on the bed.
3 weeks ago she was here in bed beside me,
I am counting down the days until I die,
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My heart goes out to you and the pain you are feeling. There are no words to explain anything on how you feel, we are all different in how we grieve. You may get some peace when your beloved daughter is in her final resting place. I did when my sons ashes came back. Minute by minute, and keep messaging on here, like I always say this is my lifeline. I have my sons inquest on Thursday. I re read everything last night…why, I have no idea as it doesn’t change anything and the pain in my heart feels even greater, take care, we are all here for you xx
Each day is harder and harder.
I can’t do it.
You can and we can all help you xx
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I think I have the darkest times ahead
The funeral next week.
This was our favourite time of the year normally.
We loved Halloween and went over the top decorating the house.
They are advertising a local pumpkin patch here, that’s new and she would have loved it! Another hammer to my heart. Then it was the run into Christmas.
I know everyone who has lost someone, especially a child, will feel like this.
It’s my whole reason for living that has gone, every car journey, every shopping day, all the boring and mundane were made exciting and fresh because she was there. Now everything is pain and loss
Im really struggling with the thought of Christmas, he may have been 21 but still brought his stocking onto my bed with his brother to open, we had such a set routine and lots of family time. My youngest still wants to put the tree up, but think that will be my limit. No outside decs. In his stocking im thinking of putting some greggs gift vouchers them boxing day going to Cardiff to give them out. Its my parents turn to come to us as well, i dont want them to, but they are elderly and i may not have many Christmas with them either
I can’t even think about it, I’m not a fan of Xmas through so many reasons. At least my son was with me last year and we had a nice time. The money I would have spent on him I will be giving to a charity close to my heart. I’m dreading the inquest on Thursday, every time I think about it I cry. Got another banging headache. Xx
