Every morning I wake I feel I need to run, to escape the pain. I can’t be in my home.
I used to love my home but now that my baby has gone I hate being here without her.
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Ive slept in a tent in the garden last few nights, its not as quiet out there, its the quiet that hard, he was quite a noisy petson he couldnt close anything quietly
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That made me smile, the lengths we will go to.
I’m having my daughter buried in the garden, it’s the closest I can be to her without getting in the actual coffin. I know some people will think I’m weird but I’m doing what’s right for me. I need her home.
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I have my son in his resting place outside my patio window. I get peace from knowing he is safe. Take care xx
How are you feeling today xx
Thank you for asking MJG, mornings are my worst but feels like it’s getting worse. I try to do something every day but my motivation is the funeral. I’m trying to clear the garden a bit as they’re coming to dig her grave soon. I’m hoping I will feel better when she’s home but I don’t know how I will cope when I can’t see her anymore.
I met the priest who is doing her service today and I don’t like him, I want to mourn her loss not celebrate her life. I know everyone is different and I wish I could celebrate her life but it fills me with despair that she has gone.
When I see her in the coffin I want to climb in with her, to cuddle her again. I slept by her side for the last 18 months, last night I slept alone for the first time, my older daughter has gone.
How are you coping? Minute by minute xx
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Mornings are usually my worst, as soon as I wake up which is early I have to get up, otherwise my mind goes to overdrive. I really do think you will feel better when your daughter his back home, remember minute by minute is all we can do, if you don’t like the priest can you find someone else or tell your funeral director you want a different priest. You took a massive step last night sleeping alone for the first time, I’m so proud of you. I’m ok thank you, have my sons inquest next Thursday, whatever is said won’t change anything. I can’t think that far ahead , I have to do day by day, hour by hour. Take care, this site is my lifeline xx
Thursday is my daughter’s funeral, we’re both going to have a difficult time ahead of us. We can go through the pain together.
I’m meeting my local priest on Saturday, I’m hoping he might be able to do the service, instead of the one from today.
We have the undertaker again in the morning, early.
I’m already planning my escape. Everyone keeps asking “so have you got friends and family to support you? “ The short answer is ‘no’ but it’s easier to say yes.
For the most part, like a lot of people here, it’s easier not to see anyone but I have a good friend coming on Sunday, I have an exit strategy already in place!
Take care and keep typing, this site is my lifeline too xx
I will be thinking of you on Thursday. Just messaged my sons mates, they are coming over to me Thursday evening, I will be able to tell them myself the outcome before jungle drums start beating and getting it all wrong. I hope you can get your local priest to do the service. That’s nice you have a good friend coming over Sunday, be good for you to talk if you want to. I don’t really see anyone…my choice but it’s easier. I feel so at ease talking on here than anywhere else or to anyone else. I hope you get a bit of sleep tonight. My lifeline is on here xx
That’s good you’ve got your son’s friends coming over. It’s a connection. It’s also good that they want to hear about the inquest, it’s amazing how people make up what they don’t know.
I’m going to cuddle my daughters cuddly toy, she had it from a baby and slept with it every night. I was selfish and kept it, couldn’t put it in her coffin. I did giver her momma bear though, she’s not alone.
I use this space to type my thoughts and fears, my worries and anxieties and know someone out there has had those same fears or is having them right now and I don’t feel so alone
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I kept my sons blue dog, i carried it on the day of the funeral, we had a natural burial so couldn’t have things in coffin. I dont think itd ever been washed and now my tears it stinks!
MJG good you can tell people, ive found people have already made assumptions about why my son did it and they are so wrong, it was not a spur of moment thing he had hidden it from us for years
I hate the mornings the minute I awake much too early it starts the nightmare of losing him. TBH it is there all the time and I am not sure I should say this but it seems to get worse - cuts deeper as time goes on. For me anyways.
I agree it does get worse I think. I’m in complete meltdown again, I think part of this with me is the build up to the inquest on Thursday and it doesn’t help when my partner says stop crying again. I feel drained again xx
I like to smell my sons hoodies, reminds me of him. Yes his mates are good to me, but I find it hard as well. I put a favourite t shirt in with my son, his pool cue, a personal letter and a teddy in his coffin. None of it is easy and to be honest all I e done so far today is cry. This is the only place people understand. Big hug xx
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I will put some people in their place and it doesn’t bother me, living in a small village people think they know my business. I e got my sons mates over next Thursday evening after the inquest as I want them to hear the outcome from me before rumour control. Some people just are not worth wasting your time on. They have no idea what he’ll we go through and how broken we are xx
My son seemed to have done all his washing a few days before, so i have nothing that smells of him, now im thinking did he not change his clothes for last few days ? Ive not changed his bedding yet though. He used to like Lidl washing liquid as it gave his clothes a smell he liked, i may have to get some to wash his bedding in.
That would be an idea, wash his bed linen in Lidl washing powder and hopefully it will give you the smell back and you can snuggle into it…it may help. When my Mum passed away I used to smell her make up drawer every day, but when Dad passed away I never had that feeling of smelling him. It’s odd but whatever gives us so comfort, today is a real struggle for me xx
Ive not done much apart from cry , shake and have panicky feelings for a few days, i just want to sleep and sleep to block it all out, but know i have to function for my other son, i dont want him hating his brother for what i am like now.
Two years almost since my son died and I still have all his clothes, I just can’t dispose of them. I don’t see it’s doing any harm keeping them. I have lots of his things around the house, it gives me comfort to be honest.
Friday again, it was a Friday when I found him, most people look forward to Fridays, start of the weekend, I hate them now, constantly clock watching, remembering the exact details of that day. Wonder if these feelings will ever go?
Keep watching a few videos I have of him just to hear his voice, omg I miss him so so much xx
My husband wanted to immediately get rid of his clothes, meltdown from me, i have gone through and gotten rid of anything i didnt recongnise so no memory for me but i still have a wardrobe full. I may get a memory quilt out of tshirts and memory bears out of shirts if i can save enough. He had a shelf in his bedroom where he kept his memories, he had just added 3 things he bought in Italy the month before. Ive photographed the shelf so items can be placed back exactly, just had a new front door and ive had a key cut to go in the shelf for him. I last saw him on a Tuesday night when he told us that he no longer wanted to be here he left the house early hours of wed morning and he was found Thursday evening so most of my week are now horrible days, with me mainly blaming myself for not doing more that night.
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