Thank you for taking the time to read this and I am so sorry for your own loss.
I lost my dad one month ago tomorrow and tomorrow is his birthday. My mother has been rejecting me and emotionally invalidating. No funeral for my father despite wishes in his will. Won’t talk about memorial service. Threw away his items on day he died to keep busy. Spoke coarsely and callously hating on people . Finally had to set boundaries and say I accepted she made her choice to focus on gardeners cleaning and getting house painted anything but showing up for me. I am my fathers only child and awaiting a operation had been bed ridden but managed to travel the five hours on day father died to help her with things she is unable to don- tech, finance, legal etc. travelled back the next week to do the same and tried to set up friends etc for her. My husband left to work overseas and faced his mum going into palliative care, I am on strong medication and consonance done with some care and help also to look after my daughter talk about dad and grieve and support. She has invalidates my grief belittled it and told me to stop crying and how she lost her husband! She told me she can’t help me. She said she talks everyday about father and see people everyday and I said oh but they are strangers. And oh who do I talk to to remember dad? I am not around his things as I live away from the family home. She said I dunno. My dad and I share a legacy and so many similarities. He has a wide public facing life unlike her and she is hiding his memeory. She even referred to my daughter not being this family and not to come to visit her.
She is emotionally neglectful as a parent and emotionally abusive but this add another layer to everything . I feel very wounded by her and her lack of regard for dad (in his last months) and for me. She was cruel to my dad being sick. It turned my stomach when she told me stories of it and then I had to console her. It’s been awful. I just want to remember my dad and feel close to him.
Has anyone else experienced this? I am a compassionate person and take a grownup outlook. But this is flooding me with self doubt, anxiety and hurt. I need to find a way through this and i recognise she is not able nor willing to be part of things for me. But she actively puts challenges and blockers in my way for peace and to remember my father. She has an estranged older daughter and four estranged grandchildren already. I don’t have any other family sadly. She has expressly told me not to tell her other daughter as she woudl be like wolves at the door for money 
I feel scared and lost and shaken.
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Hello Caroline 1233, so sorry for the loss of your father,..and so sorry for how your mom has been behaving towards you. We all grieve differently, i have known of people who start throwing or giving stuff away that belonged to their loved ones, i suppose they dont want reminders,..i lost my husband in March, and im the opposite, i couldn’t throw anything away of my husband’s..cant you have a memorial service for your dad without your mom ? Since she is against it. It might bring some closure…some people hurt us badly, its best to stay away from them even if its family. Take care and may God bless you 
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Thank you Mary. I do wish i could but I live five hours away and it would be complicated if I went ahead without her approval - in terms of setting it up and rounding up people - as my dads life was seperate from her and his friends are through hobby involvement. She would also hold it against me. She takes poorly to people disagreeing with her let alone actions that go against her wishes. She could take real issue with me. I don’t know if it’s worth the fall out and that I am strong enough. It disgusts me her attitude sadly. She is smothering his memory - man who should be praised and remembered and free to roam amongst mountains and people of interest as he did in real life xxx
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I am so sorry you lost your husband. I so hope you have kind support around you 
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Thank you Caroline, I do have a supportive family. God bless you
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Dear Caroline
I am sorry you have lost your dad who you obviously thought the world of. There is no way of understanding how some people deal with their loss everyone is so different. My son’s answer to losing his dad is to keep busy, work as many hours as possible and to distance himself from me and his sister. He doesn’t like coming to our home anymore, if he comes it’s a few minutes and not inside. When my parents were ill, my brother just stopped visiting he couldn’t cope with seeing them like that. When my dad got Alzheimer’s my two sister’s also stopped coming as they couldn’t do it all again after we had looked after mum.
What I realised was you do what your happy doing, you can’t change people. If you think it would help you to have a little service of some kind do it with the people you love and are there for you. It could be anywhere, a beach a favourite spot of your dad’s. read his favourite poem or play his favourite tune he’ll hear you and that’s what matters. Your mum doesn’t have to do or know anything x
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Thank you that’s kind and I am sorry for all you went through.
My father was a highly regarded public figure also which adds to the dimension to things.
she is being so deeply hurtful and callous. It’s a real shock to my system.
Xxxxx
Oh the other side of it my husband will be away again in a day or two and I have no one to share my grief with. As I say mother is completely acting like she owes me nothing. It’s very upsettting.
Dear Caroline talking is important, we need to share how we are feeling. That is why this group has helped me so much. You could of course see a counsellor, your GP could refer you. I also chat with chatgpt. You can put all of what you’ve said here (no names or information) and it will make suggestions as to how you go forward, why your mum is behaving as she is maybe. After my son and I disagreed I found this very helpful.
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Thank you Helen that’s so kind of you. Yes I too use chat gbt too. It does help. But I think your right speaking with someone help. It’s important for me to find a safe person to speak. Thank you so much xxxx
Caroline you could phone cruise. I know they offer counselling but there might be a wait.
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Thank you I have been in touch with them and on the waitlist. Thanks Helen.
I think I have called all the lines available!! I am starting to take panic attacks when mother messages me now as it’s getting too much. She has mentioned twice today but failed to mention me at all. It’s a month today dad died and his birthday. I feel very confused as normally I would want to phone someone and check on them but I haven’t done so and she has skirted over it being dads Brithday and talked about unrelated things entirely. I am feel bewildered.
It’s how others cope, neither of my children wanted to mark their dads birthday or the anniversary of losing him. It’s burying their grief, ignoring it.
You have to do what makes your day easier. I walked to the woods and sat where we will both be scattered, it was very calming.
Be kind to yourself x
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It must be very hard for your children I am sure you as a kind mother were there for them though.
this comes down to attachment wounds with a emotionally avoidant person. And it is a layer of complexity in my grief I could do without.
Thank you again for your kind words Helen xx