I have to admit that I have never understood why my Father’s passing many years ago did not affect me greatly, but my Mother’s nearly two years ago did. On Mother’s day, it came to me like a blinding flash, after my father died, my sister said she was going to visit him. I remember saying that I did not need to because I had come to terms with his death.
I am also wondering if my grief with my mother’s passing is not now for her alone nor my father nor them both. But for the realisation that I am now truly alone for the rest of my life because I am single, no children and my immediate family is just my sister. We have never been close, especially as young adults, we just lead separate lives and now we finally plan to sell our parental house which we both own jointly and go our separate ways. Now all of a sudden the world seems grey and sad.
Has anyone else experienced these sort of ideas after losing both parents?
I could have written parts of your post myself as am very similar. That realisation when both parents have passed away that you are now alone is awful. It is so sad to lose that closeness to a sibling as well. I am single and have no children either.
For years I haven’t got on that well with my sister and after Mum passed away I realised that I just did not like her. Mum always used to say she wanted her girls to be good friends as saw her own sisters bicker constantly. Sadly that is not to be. Selling our parents’ house was hard, especially as I was living there with Mum but gaining an life independent of my sister has helped me a lot. I am incredibly sad some days and find it very hard to motivate myself to do anything. I still have sorting out to do from the move last year.
In answer to your post I think it is all part of reaching a sense of acceptance. I have accepted my losses but that doesn’t mean that I am happy with them. Far from it. Looking at photographs yesterday of Mum I realised in them she was younger than I am now. She had a husband and two children. I have neither and that feels rubbish to me this morning.
Thank you so much for posting. I find it reassuring that you say we are similar.
My sister and I have not really discussed mum since she died (nearly two years ago) and recently a thought came to me that she may be in the same ‘inner turmoil’ as myself. This may explain our lack of closeness and it can be difficult to broach the subject when neither is an accomplished speaker or listener.
I am very interested in what you said about selling the house so I will bear that in mind.
Independence from sisters is good but I have been fretting for some time as to how much contact I would like. At first, i wanted to run away and have no or little contact for my peace of mind. Last year my sister went on holiday for a long weekend and I realised how empty and lonely the house was. This weekend she spent a few days with an old boyfriend who came to visit (i think, but cannot be sure because she never mentioned anything for certain) and again the house felt a bit empty for two days. So this is something I need to think about.
Your last paragraph resonates with me. I believe I have come to terms with my loss, am unhappy with it as well and have yet to found anything to fill the gap. After nearly two years it really is time for me to move on because I find it hard to explain to people why my life is the way it is. Last week I had a good meeting with a new financial advisor and today I have had an interesting meeting with a careers advisor. So I am hopefull on two fronts.
It has been so good to hear from someone similar because that makes it so much easier to talk.
Hi
I lost my mum 4 years ago and she was my only parent so I took it pretty hard, as I do still.
I find that when I look at my situation and lack of friends or a partner I can get very upset and it makes me miss her all the more.
Lately I have been trying to look at how I can change that. I don’t want to ever not miss her but I have started to look at why I was so dependent on her well into my late 20’s. Some days I try and push myself out of my comfort zone and try things that I might not while I had the unconditional love of my mum. In some ways it has been liberating, although I have a long way to go.
What I’m getting at, is sometimes we are in lonely dark places and when I get like that i try to do something new that I enjoy or just enjoy my own company.
There are also times when all I can do is sit and cry, but I’ve tried to embrace that too as it’s only natural, but not to dwell on it too much.
Every day gets a little easier, but there is a part of us that will have to accept that we will live with the pain forever, but can be better equipped to manage it.
I think we all have a lot in common despite our uniqueness.
For a long time, my instinct has been to ‘move’ away from where I am when I get very upset and that means going out for quite, long and thoughtful walks. But since sharing my grief, I think like you, I deal with it by sitting calmly and thinking about the cause, filling my thoughts with happy memories and letting it pass.
Like you I know the pain will never go away but it has and will continue to lessen and knowing that helps me.
I am not sure what else I can do to help myself that is what I am exploring now. But I have learnt it is not about getting back to normal, it’s about becoming what I can without my mother (and father).
Ceremony helps. I visit my parents on the first Sunday of each month and next month this coincides with Easter. The crematorium is my sanctuary. April is also her Anniversary. This year I plan to celebrate both and more.
I hope you gain as much comfort from doing this kind of things as I do. It has been so good hearing from you.