Mother's Day

Hello Everyone,
I’m sort of new to this. Today was Mother’s Day — I lost my lovely wife 2 days before Thanksgiving - we were invited to my son’s place - she had been busy getting foodstuff, etc. in a tote for the trip. Two days before that, she collapsed in our home and died. I called the paramedics right away as this didn’t look right. They took her to the hospital that - I arrived at the emergency room, where was greet by a hospital chaplain and 2 doctors. They told me she of a sudden hear failure. I almost fell to the floor and cried like a baby. I went home alone that night. I spent Thanks giving at my son’s place alone - again I couldn’t compose myself. I wish I could have recognized the signs and I regret not picking up on them. I miss her every day - they say time heals all wounds,
but here it is almost 6 months later - I went to visit her gravesite this morning - I didn’t let the rain stop me at all.
I cried when I told her I missed her and I was so sorry for all the trivial stuff I caused her. I told my family that she was the BEST THING that ever happened to me. I never stopped loving her - she was a happy go lucky person - never said anything negative to anyone. I am trying to keep her plants alive nd her belongs in in tact - haven’t gotten rid of them. I miss her and I told her that - in fact I say it to her photgraph every day. I placed a 2 floweres at he headstone and cried while it was raining. She was a lovely person and I even told her one time, that I didn’t deserve her - she disagreed and told me yes I did. Just wanted to share this with everyone.
My name is Herb (Her name was Madeleine)

Hi herb,
I’m sorry for the sudden loss of your wife. I dont normally respond to posts about losing a partner because it’s my mum that I have lost but I just wanted to pick up on your comment about recognising the signs of her illness.
It’s a question I have asked myself nearly every day since my apparently healthy 74 year old mum died very suddenly of a brain hemorrhage in june. Why didnt I recognise the signs? Why didnt I tell her to go to the doctor?
Looking back there were signs but we thought they were just part of aging. She was always tired in those last few weeks. But we went to know they were signs of heart failure.
I think we have to accept that we did everything for our loved one. We arent doctors and we didnt know they were so close to death. I think my mum hid alot of her symptoms as well which didn’t help.
There are lots of lovely people on this site who have lost a partner and will provide comfort to you.
Cheryl

Dear Cheryl, Thank you for your compassion and feedback, I appreciate your response.
I’m also sorry to hear of your Mum’s passing as well. You are one of those lovely people.
Herb

Hi Herb,
So sorry for what you and your family are experiencing. The loss of such a wonderful good natured person is a loss for all of us. Wish there were more people as how you have described your wife. She was a blessing.
My father passed on 11 months ago - same way as your wife. Sudden cardiac arrest.
I know exactly how you feel - the shock, pain, terror known as grief.
My mother is having the same time of it as you are.
Please do not feel guilty. There are no signs before a cardiac arrest. Its a literal off switch. Its hard to understand. My mother struggles with it and ruminates on all of the ways that she might have saved his life. Truth is - there was nothing to be done. He spent that day running around with a dog, met with clients, dinner and drinks with friends, and a nice normal good night to my mom. She found him the next morning watching TV. Honestly, nothing to be done. Your wife was the same - living her life and enjoying the day. We need to take comfort in those things.
Ell

Hi Greencat1950, (Herb)-I saw your post, and can sense your pain. I did not lose a spouse, but my beloved younger sister, who was indeed a “partner” to me in life. Her death was also sudden. She died in one horrific night at the hospital, during what was to be only a fluid infusion. She had cancer for a year, but was managing it, and we were given hope that it was treatable. She went into cardiac arrest, and in an instant my best friend, soul mate, and the most important person in my life, was gone. The light went out in my world that night. I understand the shock and disbelief you are experiencing now, and I am so very sorry.
I have been pouring my heart out on this site almost two years on now. I can attest to the kindness and caring I found (and continue) to receive in my darkest hours. Everyone here is hurting, and trying their best to cope with the tremendous void left in their lives. There are no fast answers, but it does help to be heard and to know you are not alone (although it may feel that way.) I am sure you will be met with the same compassion and understanding, each time you post. My heart goes out to you in the loss of your beloved Madeleine. Take care.
Sister2

1 Like

hi Greencat1950
very sorry for the loss of you wife.
I hope you can get a little comfort knowing you are not alone.
you are on a site were lots of people have sadly lost the love of their lives.
we are all here hoping to get a bit of comfort and empathy,
sadly there Is no easy fix,and we will all find different ways to cope.
your emotions will be all over the place ,there is no time limit on the length
of time we will feel like this,no doubt you will find it hard to get into a sleeping pattern,
maybe have trouble sleeping much at all.most of us have been or are still struggling to
find away to manage our emotions.and 6 months is no time at all,i lost my soulmate over a year ago and cry every day because im missing Jayne like crazy.
hopefully your close family and friends will give you some much need love and support,
I know lockdown is a big issue at present,but hopefully a phone call, email ,facetime ,or skype can give you some form of contact until this lockdown passes.
just know you are not on you own and most members are happy to try offer a bit of help or comfort.take care and stay safe
ian.

1 Like

Thank you , Just wanted to add that we had a nice together that day - she was trying get a broken zipper fixed - she was such a saint - she just dealt with a broken zipper, fixed me a bowl of soup and sat in the living room saying she thought she had heartburn, the rest is what occurred that evening. I go thru the motions each day, fix my own meals, pay the bills, laundry, etc. Let me just say that each day miss her and remember the little things she would say and do. Thank you for your compassion!
Herb

Thank you Ian, I shed tears just reading the 4 posts I received so far. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness in replying to my post. May God bless all of you!
Herb

Thank you sister2
I lost a brother and a sister in 2018 (both in October). I hadn’t spoken to either one in a while as we are in separate states and the only news I got was that they weren’t feeling good, then it happened, they were gone!
Anyway, just want to say thank you for your thoughtfulness!
Herb

Hi Herb,
I am so sorry about the replay of your day. Heartburn is so non-specific, most people would not even consider it anything to worry on. My dad had heart burn also - 2 nights before but he also had it frequently and had eaten some spicy food.
It took me about 6 months also to start using these forums. It has helped.
Ell

you very welcome Herb
just read a few threads write what ever you feel the need to say
as you will not be judged and some one will try be of help or at least read your posts.
regards ian

When I say she was complaining of heartburn, I mean that was how it all happened, I think it was the beginning of the heart attack - I would mean to check with the death certificate but all in all, it was a sudden heart attack — though I am not a health specialist, it was something I never expected. We had a nice day that day, but she was looking for a coat because her coat had a broken zipper. She didn’t find one, but she took it like a real trooper. I am just so sorry I couldn’t see the symptoms beforehand. She had had heartburn before, but all in all, I wish I could have known… All I know is that she died and now she is gone! Thank you for your reply (just so you know, you didn’t say anything out of line), I appreciate your input otherwise.
Herb

Hi Herb,
Ur good - ur reply is perfectly fine. Just easing your mind that you did all you could.
How is your son doing?
Ell

Herb,
My mum also suffered heartburn. Her postmortem revealed a historic heart attack none of us knew anything about. Hindsight is wonderful but it was common for my mum to have heartburn tablets after food. It doesnt mean that we should have known what was going to happen though.
Cheryl

Dear Eli,
My son is fine — Madeleine was a second wife - my son has always been there for me as his father.
My wife and I divorced in 2003, but he is devoted to his mother. He mourned with me at her funeral.
He drops by at least twice a month to see how I’m doing and helps out. Thank you for your concern
Eli.

Hello Cheryl,
Yes, what you say is correct. I guess at the time, my mind was swirling with all the commotion - I was also numb
for while - took a while to get used to realizing there was nothing I could do - But as I had written, I still miss her -
I do function OK, but I get thoughts and memories at times about the way she joked around, her manners, her way of taking care of the house, plants, etc. My heart goes out to all of you wonderful people, who share my grief. Thank you Cheryl - and all of you wonderful people!
Herb

Glad to have provided some comfort Herb.
Almost 11 months of thinking, ruminating, questioning has clarified some things for me. The guilt has definitely eased. I’m just left with the permanent hole in my life where mum should be

Hi. Herb. Like us in the UK you are also suffering the effects of lockdown and it does nothing to help in grief. Six months is not long. You will never forget but as time passes it does ease if only a little. Thoughts and memories will come. Don’t try and not have them, and let emotions go freely. No guilt or remorse. There was nothing you could have done. How were you to know what symptoms mean? We are not doctors and even they get it wrong at times.
At the moment your pain is great. You will find many ‘triggers’ that remind you and they can be anything. A sight, sound, smell, a photo anything! IF you can accept that this is all part of this awful process called grief you may find a little comfort. No one wants to be on this site, but thank God for it. Some really lovely folk here as you have already seen. It was a good thing you did coming on here and please come back whenever you feel the need to unload, which may be often.
Very best wishes and my prayers are with you. John.

Hello again John,
Got your post-- and you are correct, there are things that bring thoughts and memories back. I still have some of my wife’s things here at the house . plants, flowers, some of her coats and sweaters, etc. I found a few of her colognes, and took a sniff - yes, it was as she were still here, well I didn’t overdo it, but it brought back a memory/In time these will go but they do provide a comfort knowing she lived here once. The lockdown has provided a setback and a stillness here, not able to get out too much. Today I cut grass and cleaned up the front and back yards. I used to do this when she was here, and she would peek outside to say Hi! Anyway, thanks for the words of encouragement.
Herb