Understanding grief and dealing with pain as a mother and the loss of your child
Where do I start I cannot begin to tell you how this feels in lay man’s terms losing a young adult a son or a daughter no matter if they die of self-harm drugs or in there sleep or a accident the pain is still the pain no matter what way one goes they are our children a gift from god which are taking so as a mother how do we begin to deal with loss the answer no one knows but there are whys we can let this control are every moment how we eat how we think how we dream the fog which don’t seem to lift the people around us who just want to go on and the person they married is suffocation in their own self thoughts ruled by pain and sadness
The endless trips to the church trying to find sense in it lighting candles in hope they can see you the tears that flow day and night these are tears of love and pain and loss then wait for then to contact from after life as you cannot believe that are beautiful child that came to us in the 1st place have gone the questions why ???
I have four other children and I must go on smile though me heart is braking I cannot let them see their mother hurting so in bed I cry my self to sleep take tablets to help take the edge off this pain its so intense that there is a hole that I will never fill
Big question I have now changed, and I really didn’t want to. how can I be happy and how can be sad?
Other people need me but I need my son and cannot give him that cuddle that we long for the cheeky smile they give you when you send something funny what do we do with this love cannot put it in a box its there now and forever from that moment we smelt are new born which is now only a picture our a memory
The world has now some how changed, and I see things different I notice the sky more I look up lots wondering what my son is doing is he happy can he see me
Will I still be his mother do he see me cry I don’t want to hurt him with the pain I feel but cannot stop it Grief is now become part of me
Can I laugh if I do will he think I didn’t love him Guilt? Other part of this pain why couldn’t I protect him
Why didn’t I cuddle him every day and tell him how much I loved him why did I tell him off when he was only growing up why didn’t I take more pictures and go on lots more holidays did he see enough
Then comes the next worries are other children what if it happens again where do I turn
I was giving all my children for a reason and that I believe and have been so lucky each and everyone of them are now feeling pain one day I will be there with him and I will get to understand but right now I cannot understand
Me as a person and as a mother changed and cannot ever no what to do to help with this pain and hole in my heart
My 5 children now only four something that I hate saying but don’t ever want his memory to leave he was the best thing that ever happened to me and so proud he picked me to be his mum love you now and always