So today i gave myself.a shake got up showered.and cleaned the house, felt.proud id done somwthing then i sat down to watch a bit of tv and began watching of all.films bridget jones and a song came on and that was me floods of tears, kick in the face from reality and just sitting on my own wondering how im going to.cope for the years i have left on my own, no one to cuddle when im.not well, no welcome home kiss and cuddle no one to winde me up , so karen 0 grief 1 
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You can be proud of yourself. It is a big step to get up every morning, shower, and even clean the house. I cleared a few of Philmore’s clothes, and they picked them up for my chosen charity. Everything went not too bad, but after they picked the stuff up, I had a significant breakdown again. I don’t have any family left, and my friends are in France and Germany and my local friend, who lives not far from me, she has her own health problems. Her husband and son are disabled, and she is also not well, so we cannot see each other very often. Be proud of yourself because you survived so far. When I have another breakdown, I just let it happen and accept it. Before, I tried to fight it, which cost a lot of energy. I have two pillows with Philmore’s lovely face to cuddle and kiss. One is on our couch, and one is on our bed. I still have my husband’s urn in our bedroom - I cannot part with him yet. Sending lots of hugs and love to you.
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Thank you for kind words this journey is full of so many emotions being on it once was bad enough but to be on it again for the 2nd time makes me feel its my fault at times. I am so sorry for your loss and always here if you need a chat x
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It is not your fault. I lost all of my immediate family and also friends - one after another, and now my Philmore. I cannot imagine going through this a second time like you. But remember, it is not your fault. Accidents, sickness, etc, happen, and they carry on happening. I do not understand why Philmore’s brother died at 52 years old suddenly a few years ago or why my Philmore also died suddenly, three weeks before he could retire. I stopped to look for a reason and try to accept the situation I am in now. I always thought that I would go first because I had a few times cancer (Thank God, always early stages without any harsh treatments) and I am still here - no idea why. I am sending lots of love and hugs. You are never alone in this forum.
My husbands death was sudden and unexpected he was 7 years younger than me and was 44 at the time , when i met mark 4 years later i told him all about johnny and he was so caeing and woyld come to the cemetary a couple of times, what upsets me more than the fact he decided to die by his own hands is the fact he knew what i witnessed when johnny dropped down dead in feont of me and my youngest son ans that night of the 1st aug i had to walk in feom work to find him lying on the sofa dead 
so i have 2 lasting images of 2 men who i loved with all my heart xx
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My heart goes out to you. My Philmore also collapsed before me after he told me he loved me. He never gained consciousness. The house was packed with ambulance people and police. Two ambulances, a police car, and an ambulance estate car were in front of our home, and the neighbours came out to see what had happened. I saw him about two weeks later in the chapel of rest because I did not want to remember him lying on the floor with all the syringes, etc. Philmore looked peaceful, and I could give him a big cuddle and kiss him. I am not afraid of dead people. I was about nine years old when I saw my Grandmother in her coffin. She also died at home. And my parents died in my arms. I still have my Philmore’s urn at home in our bedroom, which helps me survive another day and another night. It must be hard for you to lose your first husband so young. Will you get any visitors over the Bank holiday? Of course, it will never be the same, but seeing a friendly face and chatting is nice. Sending love and hugs to you.
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Im fortunate i have good family, my grandson comes and stays when he is not at college and my youngest son has been staying with me since it happened. In a few weeks my daughter and family are going on holiday and my son will be going to look after their dog so im dreading that week as i will be on my own for the first time ever xx
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