Mourning the Us.

Just over 5 months and there are signs things are changing subtly. No longer weeping so horribly so often. I feel I am mourning not just his loss and the loss of my former self but also the loss of Us. Trying to decide which bits of me are/were Us and more importantly what the new me/Us might be. I often think I was too wrapped up/ dependent on him. Don’t want to move on without him but do want to get to a place of peace. In the spirit of ‘no pain, no gain’ I feel I might have to give something up to get that peace but what? Me, him or Us?

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Yes, really identify with what you say about these facets of mourning. I think that is really insightful. I have no answers, no solutions. I don’t really think that there are any; anyway not in the sense in which we commonly use those words.

But a place of peace? Absolutely.

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It’s terrible, since my Joan died suddenly I get confused when talking to anyone, do I say me or we or ours or mine, when I catch myself saying the wrong term I correct myself ,but I suppose when I stop making mistakes when talking it will be a sign that I have accepted that we has gone and only me remains.
Joan and me needed no one else, during the pandemic we were happy being on our own, she was retired and I was on furlough, we were together 24 7 and not a cross word was spoken, I’m not saying that our marriage was perfect, tumultuous in the early years, but for the last 35 years we ,sort of, melded into one personality, it’s no wonder that we get confused when we ask the question ‘who am I now’

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@Lavenderlady1 I very much understand how you feel. I have/had the same doubts and questions, still do in some ways as it’s an ongoing situation. For me I feel as if there’s no need to really give up any of those, yes you have to alter them but I think for me that’s been part of accepting things, working out how they fit together now. I can’t tell you show to do that but it does seem to me from where I am now that it is possible. My wife has changed in my mind now, she’s gone physically but still within me, I can still talk to her and she still answers back in a way. The us that we were still goes forward because of this. And the me, the I that I have become is altering to accept that and learn how to relate to these other aspects. I am beginning to find peace with it and I hope you do to. It appears that it is possible.

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Oh my goodness this is so true, I understand the you/me/ us it’s heartbreaking :broken_heart:

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It’s only been in the past couple of months that I have been able to refer to “my house” rather than “our home”, and talk of “I” rather than “we”. Each time I do I feel the horror renewed and have to pause to regain control so as to avoid weeping.

Yes it is heartbreaking.

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I lost my husband in July I just can’t believe he’s gone my world has stopped. I’m learning how to deal with our finances which Iv never had to do before. My husband always took care of everything and me. I can’t settle, if I’m at home I want to go out then when I’m out I want to go home. Some days I don’t even get out of bed I struggle to see the point of anything without him. People have said we’re always here for you we will come round go for coffee etc but it hasn’t happened, my life has stopped and it feels like everyone else is just carrying on like nothing has happened. I’m broken :broken_heart:

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Hi @Molly78, I would guess that you are still very much in a state of shock. It was only after a year or so that I think the shock of losing by beloved wife dissipated. That you have been able to start dealing with finances is excellent. That you have to is of course ghastly. But well done nonetheless.

So what if you don’t get out of bed some days? As for the point of things at the moment: Stuff them! Somehow you move towards finding a way that gets you through the hours and days ahead. That is sufficient. It is a start.

I’m twenty months broken.

Best wishes to you.

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Hi,
Thank you for responding to my message you’re so right I am in shock. My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer then 3 months later he was gone, I never ever thought I would be left alone to live my life without him. I know it’s early days I would just like 1 day when I don’t cry non stop I’m sick of myself if that makes sense?

I am so very sorry for your loss may your wife rest in eternal paradise.

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Thanks @Molly78.

Ghastly for you. I would say that even if any of us had given serious thought about losing our partners I doubt it would really be of much consequence as we would have no comprehension of how devastating the actuality would be. And even if we did, would we have loved them any the less in order to avoid the pain? I suspect not at all.

If you think about it, why should you not be crying every day at the moment? You loved your husband profoundly. How can you not but feel devastated that he has gone and react accordingly? Seems pretty natural to me.

Sadly we are very good at beating ourselves up for things which we have been told or have come to believe are weaknesses or character failings. Things which are nothing of the sort, just stupid societal norms or expectations, “stiff upper lip” and all that. Personally I have no truck with that sort of shit or the people who peddle such nonsense. So what if you are crying non stop? It does not mean you are weak, not coping, unworthy, losing your mind etc etc. You loved your husband and now he has gone. It is truly ghastly.

So cry as much as you need and when you need. Try not to judge yourself; be kind and gentle on yourself. As best as you can manage.

Best wishes to you.

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Agree 100% with the sentiment. I can’t come to terms with not being married anymore. I have had a few conversations where I have had to refer to myself as widowed, which is just horrible. My wife was my rock and I was her’s. Plain and simple, we just looked after each other, supported each other in difficult times and celebrated with each other in good times. Our first dance at our wedding was to Van Morrison’s “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You”. The lyrics were the bedrock of our relationship - “Fill my heart with gladness, take away my sadness, ease my troubles, that’s what you do.”
We had several months of illness to try to come to terms with the inevitable outcome and she was still making sure we were going to be ok when she was no longer around. It helps me to know that she didn’t want us to go to pieces or just give up on ever having anything good in our lives again. I am heartbroken and just sad beyond words but I take great comfort from knowing that I am carrying on as she would have wanted.

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I totally get where you are coming from I lost my fiancé in July this year my friends where their at first but now they seem to fade I know they have their own lives to live but I personally think they get tired of me talking about us twenty 4 7 or crying I live with my eldest but still feel alone we done everything together went places held hands when asleep or watching tv I’ll never get that back ever again nor want to ever replace him or is my heart is broken he lived for his career music and I never got to say goodbye because of his children and ex wife so so sad

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