I remember saying to a friend and colleague in the very early days after losing my husband so suddenly “I don’t know how to move forward from this!”
Just over 15 months later and I still haven’t moved forward and don’t think I ever will. More to the point, do I want to? I don’t think I do. Can you move forward with grief? It never leaves us. Yes, we move forward in the sense of time as in days, weeks, months, years but our grief stays with us every step of the way. We may cry less but grief remains. My husband remains at the forefront of my mind every minute of every day - he’s with me in everything I do and I never want that to change. I often think about that statement I said to my friend and I’m sure psychotherapists / psychologists could up with some kind of answer. I found the following quote which I put on a previous conversation:
Grief never ends.
But it changes.
It’s a passage,
Not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
Nor a lack of faith.
It is the price of love.
So I ask, is it even possible to move forward from grief? Personally I don’t think so. It is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. ‘Grief is not a problem to be solved’ as mentioned by Megan Devine in her book ‘It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok’. One of the best books I have read so far. Moving forward? I don’t think so!
Much love to you all xx
Hello Kate,
I don’t much like the term ‘moving on’ myself. To me implies a forgetting and and an abandonment of an old life. I think things do get a bit easier as time goes on. My husband has been gone 7 months now, and although I know that he will always be with me, and that I will never forget him or the life we had together, the pain is starting to ease a bit, and the pictures in my mind of his final few weeks are starting to blur and fade. I have taken up a couple of new interests, and have my dogs for company, but I remain curiously unsettled in my home, and worry constantly that I will never settle on my own. Weekdays are not too bad, I can usually find something to do - cleaning, sorting, going out with friends - but Sundays in particular are horrendous, and I don’t know what I will do at Christmas. I still have days when I cry at the drop of a hat. But the journey is different for all of us, and if you do not feel that there have been changes in the way you feel and behave, don’t worry about it. Some people just take longer than others to assimilate the huge changes bereavement brings to their life. Take care, Jayne xxx
I lost my beloved friend just over 2 years ago and I havent moved forward a bit-I still cry a lot even now and get so lonely -I dont have family and sometimes I Just despair
Hello CrazyKate. I understand what you mean. I’ve often thought (24 months now) that I haven’t progressed. I often wonder if I’m unable to reconcile what’s happened or that I’m unwilling to. Either way it’s hard. I’ve been told I’m in stalemate, and I can see why. It actually feels like existing in a limbo or pending state and it’s all very strange.
Sending warmest regards.
Hello Kris. I’m sorry you feel so lonely. Your friend must have been a big part of your life. I remember my sister lost her best friend and it left a huge gap in her life as they saw each other nearly every day and spoke on the phone on the days they didn’t. You’ll never forget your friend and you will have lots of wonderful memories. I hope that some day you will find another friend, not to replace the one you’ve lost but as well as. Some one you can chat to over a cuppa, perhaps go shopping with and share good times once more. Sending you a big hug xx
Perhaps we are in limbo Tina - we can’t move forward and we can’t go back. So what do we do? Where can we go from here? I can’t begin to imagine what the future holds. The future I thought was mine has been cruelly snatched away. Life goes on and we have to live it. Xxxx
We are in limbo because we loved the bones off our dearly departed loved ones .People weho have all the family dont understand its not like a trip to the dentist ,the pain doesnt go away .It rises and falls at unexpected times ,and Christmas is around the corner ,which i used to love but now doesnt exist for me (im 59 ) my darling Denise passed 04032016 on her 41 st birthday
Hi
I agree moving forward seems impossible and my life has stopped.
I have just read it’s ok that you’re not ok by Megan Devine on your recommendation and can identify with a lot of what she writes.
What she says about carrying your loss with you not fixing it or mending it or getting over it but to carry it with you wherever you go has given me something to hold on to and in time try and move forward with Margaret beside me.
Thanks for the book.
Take care
William
I’m so glad you got something from the book William. Megan Devine says it as it is. I’ve lost count of how many books I’ve read. They can be a great source of comfort. Xx
I absolutely detest the term “moving on” because, as Jayne says, it implies moving away from, forgetting and a whole host of other things I’m not prepared to give. I don’t mind “moving forward” as much; to me they don’t mean the same thing. If I go forward though, it’s on the condition that I get to take my Ken along at some level for the rest of my journey here, or all bets are off and I ain’t “moving” anywhere. And I agree, Kate, the grief moves forward with us. I totally understand that the term “moving forward” doesn’t resonate with you - there can be a lot of irritating buzzwords and phrases in the world of bereavement i.e “Closure” and “Resolution” - yuck.
Kate, never underestimate what you are doing in your journey - you might not appreciate how much your kindness on this board means, but I think others do. My point is that what we do to keep going does not need to be huge - i.e moving cities or dredging up energy one doesn’t have for socializing a lot - it can be reaching out to others via a forum, stroking a pet, talking to your late man, or just caring for yourself for awhile.
Nearly 24 months here too, and I used to get really down about my own perceived lack of progress - until my lovely counsellor sent me a letter telling me that she is proud of my efforts; little things like adopting rescue cats, taking a patchwork class. You’re still here, mate - even when you desperately don’t want to be - so you must be doing something right. And I’ve seen the care you show on this board. That you are able to do so says something.
You’re a treasure Louise, thank you for your comments. In fact it’s been interesting to read everyone’s comments on this conversation so thanks to all. Sending love to start your day xx