I lost my lovely mum early 18 months ago now. We had always lived together and I’m now alone with no other family ( but thankfully, have our two little dogs which I’m so grateful for ). After mum died, I decided to move home and it hasn’t worked out for me. Friends - whom I see very infrequently as they live a good way away and have families of their own - said I moved too soon. In reality, I bought a property that needs far much more work than I could ever afford not to mention that I’ve found trying to get reliable and honest tradesmen really exhausting. I’ve even had a couple walk off with money for ‘ supplies ‘ never to return. I know I’ve been silly and gullible and I’m ashamed of all my mistakes but of course, for the first time in my life, I find myself making lone decisions with nobody close to talk with about things and I’m 60years old this year.
I decided the best thing I could do is sell the property I’m in ( a real money pit and I’m loosing sleep over it with worry ) and I’ve found a buyer in this difficult market.
I told my friends and now, am overloaded with question about whether I’m doing the right thing. Telling me I wasn’t happy and I won’t be happy just by moving again etc etc. in addition, my sale will progress quite fast so I was going to try to rent as I was looking at a new property which will not be ready until about 8 weeks after mine is likely to complete on the sale.
At the same time, my fixed term work contract has come to an end at end of June so, a new job to find if I can.
What I’m struggling with is that in my very small circle of friends and neighbours, everyone seems to have a view. I know it’s probably because they care and I’m grateful for this but I’m just trying my best to keep moving onwards and correct my daft decisions and start a strange new life that I don’t really want ( if you can understand that ) and that I didn’t ask for.
I was trying to see another move as a positive thing and now my friends have filled me with doubt and further worry.
I just wonder has anybody had similar experiences and if so, how did you manage to get through it all?
Thank you everyone.
@PaulaE everyone will have an opinion but only YOU know what works for YOU. Stand your ground, say a polite ‘thanks’ to them all and do what you need to do…for YOU! After all, the decisions you make needs to make YOU happy, not everyone else!
Thank you, Ang2.
If I’m really honest, I’ve no idea whether it’s a good plan or if it will work for me but my thoughts were, at least I’m trying to make things a bit better. I’m not angry with my friends but I feel very sad. Hard enough getting through day by day and I don’t expect that to get easier but I feel that to be able to try to move forward, I may have to just do it and leave my friends behind as their views make me hesitate. I’m not the most confident of people which probably doesn’t help and all it makes me think is, if only I could chat to mum about it. Thanks so much for replying. I do appreciate it very much indeed.
@PaulaE part of being a good friend is to offer opinions and concerns but also offer full unconditional support. It may be better for your friends to go through all the pros & cons with you slowly but ultimately, they should end the convo with “whatever you choose to do Paula, we will support you 100%”
I hope you find what you’re looking for. Be good to yourself.
I guess it is, Ang2. I’ve just got myself a bit lost I think. Thanks again and take care of you too.
Hello @PaulaE - whoa- you are going through such a lot, bereavement, moving, cowboy builders, a house that turned out to be far more to take on that you thought. One of these things at once is hard - to have them all, one after the other, is horrendous. But. You are dealing with it logically and rationally. You know the house is a money pit and a big strain. You have found an alternative place with a gap - but a lot of moves have those. You know what it is like to lie away, worrying about it all and your friends just don’t understand. Yes, you will take your sadness with you, as we all do, but what you won’t take is the stress and strain of a fixer-upper from hell. My story involved my husband’s death from cancer and then - a struggling business to rescue, a flat to redevelop, a flat in France to sort out and one in London that needed work. Argh! All at once. Like you, I thought it through, and moved through it, like you, in a logical sequence. Yesterday, the flat in London was sold and the new buyers sent me a picture of them in the flat, with the keys, drinking the champagne I left in the fridge for them. Big Box Ticked. I have found a place to move to and will go as soon as the flat that was being developed is sold - likely in about 6 weeks. Like you, the buyers for both flats emerged in this sticky market. For me, I see that as a sign that I am moving forwards in this new life and it is the right direction. Stick with your plan, you are smashing it! And keep us posted on how you go. Your courage and achievements will inspire others to take the next step, to keep going. We are all right behind you on here x
Thanks so much, Vancouver, for your kind and understanding reply. I really appreciate it and it gives me some encouragement. I’m sorry too that you are in this club that none of us asked to join and for all the anxieties you’ve had too.
With your challenges spanning different countries too, that’s a real test. I don’t know how you have managed all that so well done to you.
I feel so scared trying to find somewhere for ‘ the gap’ and keep thinking, I could end up with nowhere and me and my little dogs in the car! But, I’m trying to leave it all to fate and not to push things in any particular direction. At least, that’s my excuse in the absence of being able to speak with mum about it. I keep saying to my dogs, if only mum could speak to us and we could hear, she would tell us what to do next. Bless her, I miss her so much.
Take care and likewise, share your progress too as your story here has inspired me already!
We inspire, encourage and help each other, @PaulaE x You are right, the bridge for the gap will emerge. Let’s go forward together, with all our friends on here. We are a pretty formidable bunch, stronger than we thought and braver than we know. Loads of love, your friend, Vancouver x
It’s a wonderful group here, @Vancouver, that’s for sure. If we can help each other move forward a little bit every day, and help cope with the inevitable steps back and sideways along the road, that’s a wonderful thing. Take care.
@PaulaE -1000% x
A little update. My sale fell through today, six weeks after accepting the offer. It’s my buyers buyer who has walked away. So. Everyone in the chain all back on the market. It saves me the worry of finding an interim stop gap but I can’t move forward now of course.
This is when things get so hard mixed up with the grief we all feel I think. That important person, guide and confident and support, not here to speak to and chat it all through with. I so miss my darling mum. Hope things are moving forward for you.
@PaulaE - what a shame the sale fell through - this is really annoying, frustrating and exhausting. This will be a temporary set-back, I am sure, giving you time to steady the ship, and steam on. I am ok here. Second flat sale due to complete, all being well, in the next 10 days. Another ending - but I’m ready for that now. I am deciding whether or not to proceed on the house I found, probably next week. The survey flagged a rather dispiriting list of jobs to be done, so I need to get a rough idea of the likely cost. I think it will be ok, but like you, I don’t want a money pit, gorgeous as the house is.
You and me, we have to do all this stuff on our own. Tom, my husband, was the one I turned for advice all the time - he would know what to do, always, and now, he’s not here. I reckon you are pretty shrewd there, so trust your gut, regroup, and know that the chain can link back up. For now, let’s you and I link arms and keep walking together on this road. We can advise, cheer and comfort each other along the way. Hold on, there x
Thanks so much for replying. I really appreciate it and it’s great to hear that your second sale….and this next bit of ending is in sight. Old places are so lovely in so many ways but for me, the quotes I was getting ( and many people quoted and then walked away or never came to quote in the first place ), were just out of the question. You are so very right, this journey is exhausting and I’ve been reflecting that given grief and mourning has a tendency to sap one’s strength, anything else that does can wipe one off one’s feet very quickly.
Thank you so much for your kind and understanding encouragement. It’s so true that trying to do all this without our special people to talk things through with is both tough but also a stark reminder of how life is now …….life without them, for me, my lovely mum whom I always spoke with about everything. As we lived together, there wasn’t anything mum didn’t know or understand and nothing she was ever unable to help me with in some way, even if just listening.
I so hope my chain braking is just a temporary blip and that things pick up soon. I’d love to feel more positive about it……I really would. Sadly, I watch the news and the stories about the housing market are not great for the foreseeable future. I shall keep everything crossed and say lots of prayers too.
Hope that your second sale goes well and that your buying decision, whatever it is, turns out to be the most amazing fit for you.
Do let me know how it all goes.