Well it’s a week away from my late wife Mandy’s 2nd anniversary. I have been dating a new lady for almost 6 months and it’s all been going very well.
However we have hit an issue as I have sold my old home and purchased a new home with the idea that she will join me for a few nights a week, to see if it will work out. I then told her I still had Mandy’s ashes in an urn that I had put away out of respect for her and I would be bringing them with me.
That’s when she announced that she couldn’t live with me and Mandy’s ashes, even though they weren’t out on display and they should be buried or scattered so she was fully laid to rest.
I’m a bit out of my depth here but first of all would like to say congratulations on finding some happiness for a 2nd time.
What a difficult situation you are in. Is it having ashes per se your new partner is concerned over or that they are Mandy’s? Does your instinct give you any guidance? You have made a compromise already by not having them in view and would think she could be willing to afford you a little compromise too. Mandy was/is part of you, you didn’t get divorced. Personally I’d feel huge guilt in “encouraging” a partner to make a decision about their spouse’s ashes. If you aren’t comfortable letting go of the ashes please don’t leave yourself open to the possibility of regret in doing so. It could cause you distress in the years ahead. I hope I haven’t offended. Sending kind thoughts to you.
I know I’m being devils advocate but I agree with what has been said. You have compromised by putting your wife’s ashes out of sight but she is still a part of you and your love will always be there. If this new partner thinks enough of you she will accept this. The other thought is what if your relationship does not work out. Then you will have scattered your wife’s ashes and will feel terrible. None of us in bereavement should be pushed into doing anything we do not feel right with. We all understand that grief is personal and we have to go at our own pace and do what is right for us and not others. You do not want to feel pressured. Maybe it will feel right in the future but from what you say it is not right for now x
She is quite religious and believes that Mandy is now at rest and so should her ashes be. Also the fact that I have still have them means that I have not fully moved on.
I also thought about the issue of doing something with Mandy’s ashes, we then split up for another reason and I am left with regret.
So I have found the local crematorium offers niches (rows of shelves with individual boxes for each urn). So I could take up that option and if it does all goes wrong, I can just get Mandy’s ashes back again.
I didn’t see this as an issue with Mandy’s ashes being out of sight, but apparently it is.
Maybe this is something I needed to do all along, but just left the ashes with me for the sake of it. Not sure really, I guess I will have to give it a lot of thought.
Another alternative would be to bury the ashes in an urn in the garden of your new house. This way, she would still be close. If you need to dig it up, you can. If your new lady is opposed to this then I would be questioning why. I would want the person who was special to me to be comfortable with what they chose to do and not feel like they were forced into doing something. I can understand that you don’t want to let go of what could be future happiness, but future happiness also involves being at peace with what you decide. Not feeling resentment at a later point that you did something that you wouldn’t really have chosen. That will cause friction in a relationship at some point. Hope that makes sense!
@tommyg01 hi Tom congrats on finding happiness again. Please take your time and do what’s right for you. I also feel you have already comprised by having the ashes out of sight. Don’t do anything you might regret later. My partners ashes are home with me and that’s where they will stay until my time comes and I will be cremated and our ashes will be put together. Mandy was and always will be a big part of your life and this new lady should understand that. I have no intention of ever moving on with anyone else, but if I did they would have to accept that Pauline’s ashes are home with me and will stay there until I join her. Good luck with whatever you decide and I wish you all the best.
Bristles in right I’m afraid Jules as this option has also been dismissed.
My sister has agreed to have Mandy’s ashes for 6 months or so and if me and my lady are still getting on, then maybe I will feel it’s time to go ahead with a burial of her ashes then.
I also felt for a long time that I would never get in to another relationship, but over time that gradually changed. But me and Mandy had talked this through many times over the years and she really didn’t want me to just stay on my own.
So in many ways this lady has been wonderful for me, until this cropped up. Hopefully we can get past this now.
That’s a shame Tommy - I know that it is a difficult choice. But then, maybe it shouldn’t have to be a choice. I hope that you manage to find a compromise where you don’t feel as though you have had to make a choice that you otherwise wouldn’t.
Hi I think you have every right to keep the ashes for as long as you need to it’s your past and I’m sure she has a past too .be strong and don’t do anything with the ashes you are not comfortable with and you could regret .anne
and 
Martin