Moving On.

I think grief is grief whatever timeline we are on or who we are or our circumstances. Whether that be newly bereaved or long term bereaved. It’s how we “choose” to deal with it and that is a very individual and personal decision but nonetheless it is a decision.
I read posts (including my own) and see how much we all focus on “us”…yes… that’s because it affects “us” …I understand and get that but I have found and this is only my personal view so no offence intended to anyone in how they react to grief…but to honour our loved one’s who have passed (as it’s them that have gone not us) that sometimes we have to stop dwelling on our own emotions and think of the best way we can live our lives to continue their legacy, love and bond they left us with and none of our loved one’s would want us dwelling and lingering in grief. Life is precious and belongs in the present moment
. The past can never be retrieved and the future is unknown. Everything else sits with the mind and emotions and how we react. Watching someone take their last breath makes you so grateful for every single breath you breathe.

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Hello Jonathan, Yes I know now that one day at a time is all we can manage. I do have those days now when I feel more like myself but when I do hit rock bottom yet again I become confused and as to why it has happened yet again.
I remember Brian’s cousin, who had lost his wife a year before tell me at Brian’s funeral that he was still struggling a year on. I didn’t take much notice at what he had said at the time because he seemed to be coping just fine. Now I know different and can well believe that his pain was still with him.
Going into town and the supermarkets give me palpitations I feel so stressed. I don’t blame you going to the garage. I shop as little as possible. I do however get pleasure from going to my allotment and coming home with a bagful of vegetables as I have done today.
Thanks for the hug. Love Pat x xxx

Hi Lyn, I do so agree with you. I have recently come to the conclusion that I am now dwelling more on ME than my loss. I am becoming accustomed to living on my own, to eating when and what I want to. to going out alone but I can’t get rid of the terrible emotions that I feel.
My family never talked about grief and all members of the family, as far back as I can remember never mentioned the departed person again, they was never talked about. I have lost close family members and kept my grief to myself and come through it with little trouble. That is what was expected of me, or so I thought. I did wonder if this was right as I seemed to be feeling the loss of my dogs more than family. I held back tears at my mother funeral because it wasn’t expected of me I had been programmed. However losing Brian has made me realise that it’s not that easy and although I try hard I still have those rotten miserable days and don’t feel I have any control over them. However I have always maintained that life is precious and I intend to try very hard to cope with these black days and to take control.
Today a neighbour offered to show me the art of rug making. I can remember my grandmother doing this. Me, rug making, that’s a first, not into handicrafts but I intend to have a go, something new!!! Onward and upwards.
Pat xxx

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Very true Lyn. I have a very similar view to you. It is very easy to slip into an introspective grief. A friend of mine lost his wife to cancer around the same time as my husband died. He said ‘we are not the first’. That made me almost snap out of my self pity…and I’ve done what I can to help others who I know are struggling with various things. We must remember the people who are still here as well as remembering those who have died. Love and hugs. Liz x

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Hi Pat and Liz
I believe like most things in life that come our way, it is how we choose to react to them that determines how we move forward.
I remember after my nan died my dad went straight back to work. I asked him how he could do that and he said… She is gone now and I cannot bring her back so I can either sit wallowing in grief or carry on living my own life as that is what she would want me to do. Life is for the living. When someone passed it seemed a generational thing that once someone had departed that they were not mentioned again. Sometimes (again just my own opinion) , we over talk and over think things and repeat, repeat. It’s not good mentally or physically to hold on to pain and suffering especially when it cannot change the outcome. All the should haves, could haves, what if’s etc, make no difference they only hurt ourselves. When someone’s time on earth is up then it is not in our control to change it, fix it or try to reconfigure it. When I had bereavement counselling (through work) as otherwise I would not have gone, I remember pouring everything out and the poor counsellor never got a word it but she would look at me and say “but he’s gone now Lyn” which would infuriate me and guess what? Yes I would go over it all again but the penny dropped after 2 sessions. Nobody can validate my dad’s death or how I feel about it so I started to channel my grief into a positive. Yes I still have teary days but I set a small amount of time aside each day to allow my thoughts of lost loved one’s and my emotions to express themselves and then when that special time is up I go and do something I enjoy to value life and appreciate I am so lucky to be here x

Lyn. Those words really have helped me today. I have started wallowing. Going over could have should have. It’s a pointless waste of energy and emotion. I know I was a good daughter who loved my mum dearly. She would hate to see me like this.

Lyn
Can I echo what jokes has just said? I’m sick of crying and being so hopeless. I loved my mum and did everything for her. She wanted for nothing and yet I’m like a stuck record. Could i have done more? What if i got her to the hospital earlier?
I’m sick of it. I go on and on.
Im going to try and have a nice day and your words have helped x

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Joules!!! I give up.im really not posting again today!!!

You are cracking me up today.

I’m cracking myself up joules…I’ve actually gone mad I think

Another thing that may or may not help but will share as it helped me so much, is I joined a Facebook site but it was an open one and on there I met a daughter who had lost her dad the day after I lost mine. The site had lots of people all posting randomly and it was difficult to follow and a but depressing too. We both decided we preferred a more one on one connection rather than a large group as it was more personal and bonding. It is 2 yrs now and we message each other regularly and support each other along our journey both through the up’s and downs, the good, bad and ugly. We laugh a lot and mentor each other. Because it’s more personal our bond has grown and it has turned in to a close friendship even though we live 200 miles away from each other. We check in on each other and send each other cards on special occasions. As I live alone with very few friends and no family this friendship has been a huge positive lifeline. Don’t get me wrong this forum has been great but I find it all very repetitive and impersonal because those longer bereaved people are trying to support those newly bereaved who join and the newly bereaved quite rightly so want to tell their story and pain/heartbruck so there is a danger the site can keep you stuck in a continuous cycle of non stop grief. There is no growth for me personally on here although I do like to offer support to others. Also, again quite rightly, it is censored and sometimes in emotional times it is actually quite healthy to say it as it really is without feeling polite and restricted, if you get my meaning.
I hope you all have a lovely Sunday and do what makes you happy x

Hi all I fully understand what you are saying and I truly want to get out of this misery I seem to have gone in. Today is such a cold and wet day the tv plays all romantic happy ever after movies and I have reverted to sitting on the sofa flicking through channels. There is no one to visit as family are busy and too far away friends have partners and are all together today. What do you do on days like this? Anne

Of course, it is good to see the beauty of the day, but grief can’t be hurried because it is painful or depressing.

Daffy you are right, grief can’t be rushed and neither should it as it has to be acknowledged and accepted when a person is ready but it doesn’t have to be repetitive and continuous to the point where it does overtake the beauty in each day and drains your life away.

Lyn. Thank you. Much needed wise words.

Hi Anne
I work all week so I am now more accepting of sometimes doing nothing and vegetating especially on days where I can’t get out due to the weather being miserable. I used to always be looking for something to do or wishing I had company or generally feeling sorry for myself which in turn made me more miserable as I ended up doing nothing anyway lol!
If I feel like I’m climbing the walls, I get in the car and drive somewhere I haven’t been before just to get out and get some fresh air, or go for a nice walk or if I can’t be bothered I find a project in the house to keep me busy. I plan ahead for a holiday or weekend away to give me something to look forward to. I get stuck into a good book, jigsaw or boxset (currently Sarah Lancashire Happy Valley which has me gripped and can’t stop watching until I can feel my eyes closing lol). x

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Hi Lyn thank you for your kind words and the poem is lovely and so true. I admit it has been a bad day today but tomorrow hopefully I will pick myself up and go out. The rain is pelting against the window right now. It’s funny how when it was us as a couple sitting here listening to that I enjoyed the cosiness of it now It’s totally different. I wish I still worked but only have a couple of hours three mornings as I have been retired 2 years. It’s the company I miss. Take care of yourself and thank you for replying. Anne

By the way I enjoyed Happy Valley

Anne
I am loving Happy Valley, I am about to start series 2.
I am sorry you have had a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day so take it as it comes. All any of us can do is try and put our best foot forward without pressurising ourselves. I totally understand the loneliness. Living alone I hear some noises in the night and because the house is silent with only me in it, it scares me. I hide under my duvet praying that nobody is trying to break in lol! Silence can be a friend as well as a enemy. The friend side of it for me is not having people’s drama’s and selfishness or the general stresses that people can put you under but the loneliness can be difficult to deal with especially in winter and at this time of the year. I keep busy and work definitely helps…never thought I would say that…I am 60 and want to retire but scares me as to what I would do with myself so at the moment I am putting a 5 year plan in place to keep me moving forward in a positive way. Take care and hopefully the rain will do one tomorrow x

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