Hi. I’m sitting here having just returned from my mum’s cremation. She died a few weeks ago, in mid February. Back in May, my brother in law died, & 11 days after his funeral, in June, my wife passed away. It’s been 9 months of relentless grief, & my mental health is in tatters. It’s beginning to feel like PTSD.
I’ve got no Idea how to process what’s happened to my life, except to realise it’s turned upside down. I miss my wife, I miss MY life, the one I had with her. I miss my marriage and being a husband. I don’t want this substitute of a life I’ve been handed, but I know I can’t go back. Every emotion I have has been shredded.
My son & his partner told me on Xmas day that my first grandchild is on his way, & all I could think was she won’t be here with me. She wanted so much to be a gran, & it’s SO unfair. Someone told me, no matter how bad you feel, get up, & put your feet on the floor every day, & take it from there, but it’s only getting harder to do.
Hello @Jimbo63,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi jimbo
I’m so sorry for all your losses over the past 9 months and it is earth shattering for you n like you say you fear for your mental health. Have you spoken to your doctor or sought bereavement counselling, it might be the way to go or at least just try it.
I have had numerous deaths but not in such a short space of time. Mine started with dad which was not expected in 2015 leaving me. as an only child, with my mum who could not take it on board as they’d been together for nearly 70 years. Mum was difficult to deal with as I couldn’t be my dad for her and I couldn’t grieve because of the demands on me. She then had to go into a home after having a stroke and obviously blamed me so that went on for 12 months visiting her daily until she literally wasted away As she passed in the December 2019 my partner of 30 years got sepsis within 6 days and went into hospital and then into a home for 3 years till he died. In that time he was in the home along came Covid but I still drove every day to see him through the window and that carried on for the 3 years and it was hard work as he in turn was demanding of my time going to see him each day and trying to do school runs with grandkids and start some sort of new life.
I then absolutely by chance met a guy who became my rock and soulmate n showed me what love actually is. I’d never been so happy in my life but 3 weeks today he suddenly died in front of me…
I’m finding it very tough to function, to get out of bed and carry on and don’t know if I can without help so I know as do others on here just how you’re feeling. It’s hell but what else can we do…I have good friends but I don’t want to burden them. I’ve looked at all sorts of societies online such as Oddfellows just to think how to get out n meet new people when all the time I know what I want but can’t have it everything has changed.
I’m sure we will all get through but it’s time and your new grandchild will be a fabulous gift to you…a whole different love will envelope you…
Meantime keep looking in here it might help
Hi buddy
It’s totally unfair and nobody understands and you’re a good person who didn’t deserve this.
My Dad died two years ago, my best mate one year ago, my Mum five weeks ago, and my amazing husband of 33 years died three weeks ago. Nobody’s experience is ever the same as yours, but we’re passengers on the same bus.
I’m so so sorry. I can empathise with the bleakness, the anger, and the immense feeling of loss, and the loss of what should have been an amazing future together.
I’ve got the funerals to get through and at least it’s keeping me busy. After that, I’m terrified of the future.
People say the pain lessens. I’d like to believe that but I can’t think that far ahead.
All I can do is send you my wish that you have a better day than yesterday.
Take care.
Hi Mitzi.
Thanks for the kind words In your reply. My wife went thru a very similar scenario with her mum and dad, so I kinda know what you went through there. I have found ways in recent weeks to get myself out of the house, - it’s helping. Forcing yourself to get out & talk to strangers isn’t easy, but it’s not as hard once you get going, & worth it because you meet some special people! My wife’s cousin, introduced me to the local live music scene, & it’s been a great way to feel normal again, for a few hours.
A girl I met a few weeks ago who sat me down & said " when you decide you want someone in your life again, don’t go looking for what you had before. It’s gone, & it’s not coming back. It will be different, this time. Just embrace it"
That was hard to hear. But she’s absolutely right, & it was a bit of a realisation for me. I’ve been so lucky to have my happiness & my soulmate. That’s what I need to hold on to. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone again, but I might get close. X
Hello Jamie.
I am in fact, starting to realise that a lot of people DO understand! Like yourself, & it’s awful you don’t have your bestie to turn to, as anyone would. Weirdly, things do come along to help tho. Just when I was at my darkest, at Xmas time, her FAVOURITE time, missing her painfully, & absolutely dreading 2025… along comes the news I’m to be a Papa. Something to head towards, to go on for. I swear my wife had a hand in it !
I feel for you and your losses, & the fact you took time to write me a reply is amazing. As bad as I feel right now, people like yourself, give me hope… I wake up each morning now, & tell myself
“I’m going to be alright.”
I believe that, because I have to.
I hope you can too.
Take care Jamie.
And you buddy
Hopefully you will get close and you will know when the time is right and the person is the right one. It might never happen but if it does it doesn’t mean you didn’t love your wife and she will always be in your heart and you will live again
I never thought I’d meet anyone again after Peter but like I said along came John n very patiently n quietly showed me so much love n kindness etc that I fell hook, line and sinker. I thought we had years ahead but very sadly not to be.
I know this time though that I will never get close to someone again I could not stand to go through this pain another time…
Hi again Mitzi,
Sadly, the pain is part of the deal. If you invest in someone, it’s like putting a bet on them, you have to accept at the beginning that you might lose your stake !
The trick is not betting more than you can comfortably lose xx
You’ve already backed 2 winners as far as I can see, your track record is good. Here’s hoping we can both find the 50-1 shot !
Hang in there xx
Just love that…and you’re absolutely right that I had two good guys in my life. Except John was absolutely the ultimate and I’m a bit too long in the tooth now to want anyone else n no one would compare to him and even though that shouldn’t happen in any relationship, we do make comparisons…
Omg I came on here thinking it was just me but can see how tough it is for you and others dealing with multiple grief. I lost my brother 18 months ago and his wife also passed four weeks ago. Dealing with that would be bad enough but 12 weeks ago I lost my darling husband of 46 years. This week it was 49 years since our first date and today would be my sister in laws birthday. I feel so low today and keep trying to look for positives but all I can see is a future without my soulmate at my side. I’m 66 and can’t imagine my life going forward. We were unable to have children but have two amazing nieces and a great nephew who calls us nanny and pop. I try to think of him and how it will be to watch him grow then it hits me again that my husband won’t. I know it’s early days but how do people cope?
Mrsp4,
Hi. Let me start by saying I’m so sorry for your losses, & I absolutely understand how it feels. You have lost your soulmate, & nothing can change that. But please understand 12 weeks is nothing on this journey. You’ll need a lot longer, just to understand what’s happened to you. I thought I’d drink myself stupid every night, but I’m so glad i didn’t. This is something you need to feel, as sharp & painful as it is, you need your wits about you to comprehend the many changes that are happening. Firstly, look for bereavement counselling in your area. Mine gave 6 free sessions, & I poured my heart out. It helps a lot. Second, if friends or family ask you out, GO if you possibly can. It’s not good to hide away at this time. I passed my wife’s 1st anniversary last Saturday. I don’t know how I’d have gotten thru the year without ALL the people who put an arm around me, or asked me to come out. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. Tell others what you’ve just told us, it’s amazing how good people can be! I’ve found warmth and comfort with total strangers , & it’s given me hope.
Someone once said to me “don’t keep looking in the rear view mirror, you’re not going that way, & sooner or later you’re going to crash!” … That’s true. So is the fact that “time waits for no one”. Such an innocent saying, but so brutal in it’s truth.
Remember, grief is very individual. It’s yours, & no one can tell you how to grieve.
I’d say key things are… acceptance, & a focus on the future. Those kids you spoke of, …send all your love their way. Grief is just a lot of love with nowhere to go.
Also, realise that this process cannot be hurried, or rushed. It takes as long as it takes. Even now, a year in , it still hits in waves. Fine one minute, sobbing the next.
Just let it out. Don’t fight it.
Also, don’t forget to love yourself, the way he loved you. He’d want that for you x
If you need a digital shoulder, just keep in touch. It’s not easy, but you reached out & that’s a good thing. Wishing you all the love & support you need to get thru this. Honestly, for me personally, it’s now feeling like I’ve sailed my little boat thru a horrendous storm, but I’m starting to come out of it, into a peaceful calm, & I finally feel like I can start to heal.
I’m always going to be broken-hearted, but I think I can make a life worth living.
My grandson is due in 3 weeks, & my son’s wedding is planned for 2027, so I have reason to go on. I’ll be representing her at both occasions, with all my pride & love for her shining thru.
Keep in touch.
Jimbo63,thank you
It all got too much yesterday. I knew people were all out enjoying themselves and I was at home. That included family and our six very best friends who have all be so supportive.
My problem was that I’ve been out every day because I find it hard to stay home. I’ve rediscovered gardening which my husband loved but it was too hot for that. I’d walked in the morning and had coffee with a neighbour who found herself in my position four years ago. She’s my age and is really supporting me. I planned to spend the afternoon reading in the shade but I can only seem to concentrate to read for about 20 minutes. Later I joined her and walked the dog. It’s those quiet hours when I get those thoughts of what’s ahead. I needed to talk but I’m not very good at phoning people and saying that. I don’t want to disrupt people. My sister in law was a great listener and I think I was missing her even more because I knew it was her birthday. I’ve planned my day today to be busy and know I can come back here where you all understand . Thank you again and it’s good to hear your story and how you’re coping. A grandchild is a wonderful to look forward to. I can’t wait to start having ours stay again. He is 7 and used to stay once a week. He adored his pop. I see so much of my husband in him because of the things he taught him and I will continue that. But as you will know I haven’t felt able to cope with that yet although he’s been for a few hours at a time and when he asked when he’d come again I promised him it will be soon. Thank you again
@Mrsp4
So sorry for your loss it’s very raw for you.
I’m 15 weeks in but one thing I did do and didn’t think I was ready, was have my 8 year old granddaughter stay over after around 6 weeks of John passing. I didn’t think I’d manage and be crying in front of her but I found I could hold back.
She really cheered me up watching her playing the way innocent little kids do and her constant chatter about this n that was a tonic to be honest. It was important that she saw that I was ok as she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t staying over at Nanas and when she asked questions I answered truthfully to her what had happened…
It might help you more than you think having your grandson round and help him understand that his sleepover is still something for him and you to look forward to.
I really wish you well on this horrible journey we’re all on…
Mitzi1 thank you. Yes he asked this week when he was coming again and I told him in the school holidays so he doesn’t have to rush to school. Next question was can it be like it was before after that 
Early evenings are bad for me as we’d always sit and eat and chat. Especially if we’d done separate things in the day. Maybe having him to look after will ease that. He’s seen me cry and understands I’m sad as he is too. He helping me to look after Pops fish and garden. We can share what Pop taught us and I know that’s what he’d want. But wow it’s hard. I just keep telling myself one day at a time. Looking too far scares me. Thank you again
@Mrsp4
I am sure he will be the tonic you need and vice versa.
Little people are so funny but very perspective and need that reassurance from us that everything is more or less the same.
My granddaughter made a little area in the garden for grandad with rocks and little plants n written his name on a piece of wood. As she did it all herself with no help from me she’s very proud and she loves going down there and doing her weeding n I’m sure she talks to him…