Just a brief background - I am originally from Germany but moved to the UK 20 years ago. Two weeks ago my Mum has been diagnosed with cancer, and we have been told it’s terminal - chemo will just be done to prolong life. Since then they are doing a million tests to find the source of the cancer - next Monday she has an appointment with her team to discuss treatment options, and I am hoping to get at least a rough idea about life expectancy. But as the cancer has spread already it doesn’t sound good.
Obviously with both countries being in Covid lockdown there is no way I can be with her right now until restrictions are (maybe?) eased in December. Any visit will have to be two weeks because the first week will have to be quarantine in an airbnb (the logistics are horrible). In normal times I would fly home every three weeks and spend a week with her, as I fully understand that every day is precious now - but being stuck here is so hard. On the other hand I am so scared to see her and my stepdad (who has fallen to pieces) and I just don’t know how I am going to cope with what’s coming the next few months.
Partly I am still in denial I think - pushing things aside and getting on with work and daily life, as we don’t have all facts yet - but I also know the head in the sand approach is not healthy and sustainable.
The hardest thing is that all I can literally do is wait - for lockdown to be lifted, to find out if I can go and see her in December, if I will have to wait for January, what the time span is she has left…and it’s ripping me apart.
I just needed to get it all out, and would appreciate any support on how to deal with this feeling of being totally helpless and out of control…