Don’t feel ashamed no one knows what is the right way or wrong way to cope in these situations,
Maybe be honest with him, say you are struggling with visiting I do believe in these situations you have to be honest,
Xx
Hello Hunter, firstly I want to welcome you to our Online Community. You are obviously having a really tough time at the moment, and I hope you will find some comfort by exchanging messages on here. It must have been a terrible shock when you learned of your brother’s illness, and to see him going through his treatment. Please don’t blame yourself for not having visited him yet, since he returned home. I think you have been brave to admit on this site that you are scared and are struggling with how to face the situation. I’m sure your family will understand how hard it is for you, so don’t feel you are letting anyone down. I will be thinking of you, and your brother, during this difficult time. Kind regards, Jackie
Thank you so much for caring and thank you for not judging me - it is comforting as well as re-assuring. I did promise myself to visit Saturday, but will call the home and speak with him later on. Not sure what I want to say though yet, but thank you.
Hi it’s so hard to come to terms when a loved one has been given a non curable diagnosis I’m finding it difficult myself to find words for my own family member apart from the cliches like stay strong be postive etc I find myself being tearful snappy and irritable when people moan about having a cough or cold when personally I have a younger family member with terminal cancer .Im scared of what’s going to happen how we eill cope etc
Sparkle I know exactly how u feel. My father in law is a hypochondriac and almost wants to be told he is really ill- he hasn’t got a clue what it’s like! My dad is so strong even how he is now. I’m sitting with him now and he is sleeping so much, one of the signs that end of life is approaching and I just can’t deal with that. I’m snappy with people too and try not to be with dad as none of it is his fault. Must be so frustrating for him not being able to talk properly too and communicate how he’s feeling and what he wants.
Hi
I hear you and I understand. I have visited my brother - went along with my daughter. We talked and we shared. I have yet to chat with him about what is going on within himself and what is going on within myself. I also have not talked to his wife and children; I don’t seem to be able to deal with it all at once and so I am taking one step at a time. I am fearful. I am feeling afraid and I do not feel why (although I know) so sometimes I feel tearful and other times I am bewildered and other times life for me is normal (my life is moving on normally).
Whatever I feel nature will take its course and part of the fear I feel is that I cannot do anything about it and have I or am I doing enough for my brother in the here and now. What is it am I suppose to be doing!
I also feel deep down I am seeking for him to tell me it is OK and he is Ok and everything is fine. I am seeking him freeing me within. Yes, that is what I am feeling; freedom.
I am so glad Hunter that you were able to find the courage to visit your brother - I’m sure he realised how hard it was for you! As you have obviously realised, you, your brother and your families have got a tough journey ahead, but I think your ‘one day at a time’ ethos is just right. Please be kind to yourself - you sound like a very caring, sensitive person.
Agreed it’s the fear I fear of how we will cope as a family how we will deal with the end and thereafter .i feel guilt that she has it and feel angry that the world carries on and yet for us it will never be the same or normal .i get in bed and I wonder and research things it’s always a case that it will happen To someone else’s family never your own .
I feel I need to bring this in to help us both, that time heals, that I will talk to my brother for instance about him finding peace within, then move on to, for instance, the main events in his children’s life - his daughter’s graduation although he will not be present in person to write her a letter to be opened then, her wedding to write her a letter to be read then. That way he takes part now and put closure for himself and for his daughter he is present in her future milestones by playing this part. He could do this for his boys if they get married and are blessed with children. These letters would be for safe keeping by perhaps their mother. I believe putting closure helps us cope and put guilt/fear/inner unhelpful feelings to waste. I also believe action when we feel fragmented change our focus and we see, perceived, interpret and understand things differently.
I am not sure how to drop this into a conversation with my brother but I feel the urge to, as I am aware it can be so easy to give advice and so make things worse.
And, yes the guilt shame fears strike at us at times but at the same time we can get back up again. I am really trying to re-focus and re-learn and re-experience my feelings and understanding.
Thank you for this
It is reassuring and yes, I am trying to re-learn, re-focus and re-interpreting my world around me.
Hello everyone, I hope you are all coping as well as possible today. I was wondering if any of you feel able to post a reply to a member for me. H has posted for the first time, and their father is receiving end of life care:https://support.sueryder.org/community/end-life/father-heading-towards-end-long-journey
I’m sure they’d find it helpful to hear from some of you.
Hello
My dear Mum was diagnosed with stomach cancer (linitus plastica) 3 weeks ago (grade 4) It was totally unexpected and we’re all still reeling. With this particular cancer we’ve been told that by the time the symptoms occur, it’s generally too late to do anything.
In the three weeks since she’s been diagnosed, she has weakened considerably mainly due to finding it very difficult to eat.
It’s just heartbreaking to see - i’m trying so hard to be supportive and happy when I see her (every day) but it’s so hard when inside i’m falling apart.
What makes it worse is that my Dad (who’s 88) is totally deaf and relies on Mum to communicate and Mum is just worried about him. They have been married for 54 years.
I honestly thought that my Mum was invinsible - stupid, eh?!
I’ve got a fantastically supportive husband and brother and I know i’ve got to dig deep to get through this.Falling apart won’t help, will it?
I just want to rewind the clock and go back to a time when everything was normal.
Thanks for letting me vent
Hello Greygal and a warm welcome to our Online Community. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this traumatic time, following the shock of your dear Mum’s diagnosis.
It must be so tough for you when you visit her - please don’t feel that you must always manage to hide your feelings from her. I am sure that it means such a lot to her, having you there and being able to hold your hand.
I’m glad that your husband and brother are being supportive - particularly as you are now also needed to help your father more.
Just take one day at a time - and remember to care for yourself as well. With kind regards, Jackie.
Hi greygal
I found just doing things like my mums nails and hand massage helped me feel like I was doing something, whilst visiting.
We cared for my mum at home so I was with my sister and aunt doing all basic care on mum.
It is the worst thing to have to watch as a daughter, your precious mum get weaker and weaker and lose themselves to this horrible illness,
My mum unfortunately on lasted 4 months and passed away with myself and my sister by her side on 28th April this year.
I know exactly how you feel the sense of panic of how you and your dad will cope without her but somehow you find the strength,
I wish you and your family all the best.
We are all in this horrible club that no one wants to be a member of but you can never leave.
I miss my mum so much it’s been a month and I still think ‘I must tell mum that’ or go to text her, but I can’t,
I have 3 young children so they keep me busy. But it makes me sad that they will soon forget her.
All the best
H
Sorry to hear of your loss of your mother, it sounds like your tried to make the most of your time together. It’s always hard when there are things that you want to say. How old are your children? Could they make a memory box of things that remind you and them of your mum? They could then dip into it at anytime or would thus be too painful? Take care