Mum died a month ago and something died in me too...

Sorry to sound low today but it’s hit me that living without Mum is my new normal. I’ve never gone this long without speaking to Mum (I’d even call if I was away on holiday for two weeks). In the last 20+ years I saw her every day and moved in to help during the pandemic.

I’m working on the clearing of Mum’s home (and my home for many years). It’s soul destroying! I found a whicker case full of cards from me that she’d saved (probably from the age of 6 to now). I will always be her little boy.

I called some of her work colleagues (from many years ago) and shared the sad news that she’d died. It was heartwarming they were so upset and said such lovely things about her. They told me that she always said how proud she was of me. That was lovely to hear.

Oh, I really need my Mum. She was funny, loving and life smart and when she died it took pieces of me away with her too. I don’t think I’ll ever get them back - that feeling of being safe and truly loved.

My best friend - who moved to the States 30 years ago - has just been told that she needs a heart transplant. It feels as though my whole world is imploding again. She’s got a daughter in her mid teens and all I can think of is how dreadful it is for her to deal with.

I just feel so blue… It really helps to be able to share here. Mum still lives if I can speak about her. I don’t have any family left and it’s not always easy with friends. Their world is still the same but mine has fractured!


Hi Moomin, I’m sorry your having such a difficult day, but I’m not surprised it’s only been a short while since you lost your lovely mum.
Mums keep everything their children do because they are so proud of them and love them unconditionally. I have boxes full of drawings, arts and crafts, cards sent that both my children have done since they were very small.
Mums tend to be very proud of their sons in everything they do, and when mum is not there it hurts beyond any pain imaginable. The person that loves you most in the world your safety net, the one person you can tell all your worries and problems to, it’s no wonder you are in bits now.
I had a sister to help sort our parent house, it must be very heart breaking to do this alone, so many memories.
But you are not alone you have all of us here to share you sadness with and talk to us any time you need us.
It will slowly get easier to bare, it’s just going to take time.
I hope you friend in America makes a full recovery, I have a friend there too whose husband has just had brain surgery and he is recovering well so keep the faith.
Keep talking, keep reaching out.
Sending hugs :hugs: Debbie X


Thank you Debbie. That’s a lovely message and I’m grateful you reached out. I think I will need to lean on the people here from time to time. I hope I can be a support too. We need each other.

I’m doing my best to hold Mum in my heart with good memories - as well as with the memories of the tougher times when she was sick.

I will keep the faith for my friend’s future. My Mum’s death has made me think about my spiritual side a lot and I’m seeking so many answers. I hope that I will see my Mum again. It’s sort of helping me keep things together. Mum would want me to.

I’m glad your friend’s husband is doing well.

Take care and thanks for saying hello


Stephen x

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I’m a stronger believer in what lies beyond, I know I will be with my husband again and one day you will see you mum.
Take care Stephen, one day at a time.
Debbie X


Thank Debbie. I will take strength in that.

Take care


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Sorry you are struggling. Me too I lost my mum in January after a week of her being poorly.
I have no brothers and sisters. So I understand how you feel .
Clearing through a parents house is very emotional. I lost my dad 2 years ago and had been clearing his stuff for my mum . Now I’m clearing her stuff and to decide what to do with my family home that I grew up in .
Happy memories at things you made as a child . It makes me smile when I found something like that but sad you are sitting looking at it and decided what you want to do with it . :slightly_frowning_face:


Clearing is so traumatic isn’t it?

I hope you are doing okay.

Hi Stephen

I share your pain. I lost my mum 3 days ago. Although she had been ill for a long time with Alzheimer’s, the finality of never seeing my mum again has hit me hard. Please take comfort in the fact you saw and spoke to your mum on such a regular basis. My mum was unable to recognise me for the last 2 years and unable to understand what I was saying or speak to me. Life will go on, but it won’t be the same. I wish you the strength to deal with the grief.


Hi Liz,

I’m sorry to hear about your Mum. She was lucky to have you.

I thin that everything can change after a loss of a parent.

The future is frightening but I’ll do my best tocope and to move on. It’s what my Mum would want me to do.

Take care

Up and down really .
How are you coping ?

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I am very up and down too. Feeling quite vulnerable right now.




Hello Moomin.

I want to say thank you for being brave enough to share your story of trying to live without your dear Mum. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost her for now in this world and that your are having to try to find a new normal.

My thanks comes as I’m in a similar place. One that I guess fewer of us may be in as my mum and I lived together and like you, I’ve no brothers or sisters or other family other than a cousin who lives a good way away and whom I haven’t seen for many years though we exchange the odd text. I’ve no children and never married hence living with my parents all my life. My dear Dad passed away 15 years ago and my dear mum died on 27th December 2021, so, 19 weeks now. It feels a lifetime ago but it also feels like yesterday. The pain is more than I could put into words as anyone on this site will know.

I feel, each day, I get a little bit worse really. There has been only one day since mum died that I felt a bit stronger. Like you, the longest I’d ever been a
Art from my mum was for two weeks in my 30s when I went on a two week holiday with a boyfriend. I hated it and spoke with her every day in the phone even then, both morning and night and often in the middle of the day.

I do find this site helpful and when I’m feeling at my worse, I jump on and read posts from others and at least, I feel not so alone. What I wish was that nobody had to feel the pain they describe. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

I also took the decision to give up my job for a while. I’m lucky to have a little savings but with what’s happening in the world right now, that won’t last long. I had a responsible job working in the NHS in the UK and asked my employer after mum died, if I could reduce my hours and work part time. I felt I couldn’t deal with the pressures of deadlines and corporate environments of full on fast pace for 10 hrs a day five days a week. Sadly, this was refused and so I left. I know it may sound daft but I’ve also got two little dogs. They are my life and we’re mum and my life before mum died. They were and are our joy. I’m so lucky to have them and they are the only things that give me any comfort. I speak to them about mum all the time. Before the pandemic, when I was at work, mum was with the dogs of course. Now, they have nobody other than me and I’m really worrying too about practical things like trying now to find a job which will allow me to just work at my own pace and which I can do when I’ve nobody to care for my dogs and I can’t leave them all day.

I don’t know about you Moomin but I just find trying to think through all the anxieties I feel right now, too much of a task. I feel selfish, very selfish, that I’m over indulging my grief when little children are losing their parents every day. How on earth must they feel bless them. I try to give myself a kick and lift my head up and put a real affront into moving forward, getting through the day and I even try to sing to my little dogs to make the house feel a bit ‘ lighter’. But then I crash and cry and and I’m in a worse place than before. I keep trying for mum. I promised her I’d be ok. I promised her I’d give up work and take a bit of time for myself. I don’t really know what to do next and I feel I’ve no energy to do a thing much other than my dog walks which I’m so grateful I can take.

I full of awe for all those grieving people who manage things differently. They seem to get on with life even though they don’t feel they can. I admire them so much as I know how they must be feeling inside. I’m so sorry for those who also have other emotions attached to their grief, like anger or guilt etc. I have a bit of guilt as I’d nodded off when mum actually passed in the early hours of the morning. I’d been taking some vertigo tablets as I’d had a bad attack on Christmas Day and couldn’t care for mum when she needed me. But I’ve no anger, just such pain at mum not being here and knowing her love on this earth even though I have her words which were, ‘ Paula, remember k love you always’. I have those words inscribed on mums urn which is here at home next to Dads. I cuddled them each day and cry my tears. I had t realised how sore ones throat gets when one crys a lot.

What I don’t feel up to right now ( and I fear never will ), is being with people for very long. Certainly groups of people are a big no for me but them I’m a bit of an introvert really so that’s not surprising. I’ve a couple of good friends whom I see maybe 3 times a year and exchange messages with. They’d been so kind and good, no judgement, now words, no keeping on saying ‘ how are you ‘ just as Lisa Riley on this site talked of in her pod cast which I found really helpful. I do feel consigned to life alone as there isn’t anyone else I want other than my mum but that also makes me so sad………as you say, beautifully, feeling blue.

It’s hard sorting through our loved ones things. It feels like closing their lives down. When my Dad died, mum did that very quickly and so I followed suit and did the same, keeping just a few things in a little box as we did with Dads.

Moomin, I really wish I could take your mum from heaven and give her back to you. If I could do it, I’d go to the ends of the earth to do that. I wish with all my heart that you do have a new normal eventually that you feel is right and where you can be true to all that you and your mum valued and shared together.

I’m thinking of you Moomin and do keep in touch. I hope that sharing part of my story, is helpful in some way.

How lovely that your mum loved you so and you her. I try to think of that and am grateful every day that I had such amazing parents and in fact, that I still do.

Take care Moomin.


Dear Paula,

Thank you for your lovely message and for supporting me through such a difficult time in my life.

I’m so sorry we have to go through such pain. Our parents wouldn’t want us to be unhappy, but when you love so deeply it hurts when they’ve gone.

It did help for you to share your story with me. It’s brave to do so and thank you.

Wishing you all my best in this journey going forward.

Take care

Stephen (Moomin)

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So sorry I got your name wrong Stephen.

Absolutely, our mums would be horrified if they though for one moment we were suffering pain like we are or that we are unhappy.

I know that for their sake, we have to keep trying but it just seems such a hard path to tread right now and I guess it always will be.

I know people say it gets less painful with time and that you learn to love with the loss but I can’t ever imagine a life anything near as happy or fulfilled as mine was when my mum was here.

Take care of you as best you can. Your mum would have wanted that.

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I know how you feel my dad died very suddenly 3 weeks ago. You keep expecting to wake up and find it was a bad dream, but it’s not. How do we go on? With support from others. I feel guilt because I am a registered nurse. Was there signs I should have picked up on. God bless my darling xxx

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Thank you for your lovely message Anne,

It’s such a difficult time for people at the early part of our grief. It feels unreal. I’m only 6 weeks on and I miss my Mum so very much.

Take care


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In many ways I feel reading this is much like reading my own situation.

I just want her back.