Hello Moomin.
I want to say thank you for being brave enough to share your story of trying to live without your dear Mum. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost her for now in this world and that your are having to try to find a new normal.
My thanks comes as I’m in a similar place. One that I guess fewer of us may be in as my mum and I lived together and like you, I’ve no brothers or sisters or other family other than a cousin who lives a good way away and whom I haven’t seen for many years though we exchange the odd text. I’ve no children and never married hence living with my parents all my life. My dear Dad passed away 15 years ago and my dear mum died on 27th December 2021, so, 19 weeks now. It feels a lifetime ago but it also feels like yesterday. The pain is more than I could put into words as anyone on this site will know.
I feel, each day, I get a little bit worse really. There has been only one day since mum died that I felt a bit stronger. Like you, the longest I’d ever been a
Art from my mum was for two weeks in my 30s when I went on a two week holiday with a boyfriend. I hated it and spoke with her every day in the phone even then, both morning and night and often in the middle of the day.
I do find this site helpful and when I’m feeling at my worse, I jump on and read posts from others and at least, I feel not so alone. What I wish was that nobody had to feel the pain they describe. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.
I also took the decision to give up my job for a while. I’m lucky to have a little savings but with what’s happening in the world right now, that won’t last long. I had a responsible job working in the NHS in the UK and asked my employer after mum died, if I could reduce my hours and work part time. I felt I couldn’t deal with the pressures of deadlines and corporate environments of full on fast pace for 10 hrs a day five days a week. Sadly, this was refused and so I left. I know it may sound daft but I’ve also got two little dogs. They are my life and we’re mum and my life before mum died. They were and are our joy. I’m so lucky to have them and they are the only things that give me any comfort. I speak to them about mum all the time. Before the pandemic, when I was at work, mum was with the dogs of course. Now, they have nobody other than me and I’m really worrying too about practical things like trying now to find a job which will allow me to just work at my own pace and which I can do when I’ve nobody to care for my dogs and I can’t leave them all day.
I don’t know about you Moomin but I just find trying to think through all the anxieties I feel right now, too much of a task. I feel selfish, very selfish, that I’m over indulging my grief when little children are losing their parents every day. How on earth must they feel bless them. I try to give myself a kick and lift my head up and put a real affront into moving forward, getting through the day and I even try to sing to my little dogs to make the house feel a bit ‘ lighter’. But then I crash and cry and and I’m in a worse place than before. I keep trying for mum. I promised her I’d be ok. I promised her I’d give up work and take a bit of time for myself. I don’t really know what to do next and I feel I’ve no energy to do a thing much other than my dog walks which I’m so grateful I can take.
I full of awe for all those grieving people who manage things differently. They seem to get on with life even though they don’t feel they can. I admire them so much as I know how they must be feeling inside. I’m so sorry for those who also have other emotions attached to their grief, like anger or guilt etc. I have a bit of guilt as I’d nodded off when mum actually passed in the early hours of the morning. I’d been taking some vertigo tablets as I’d had a bad attack on Christmas Day and couldn’t care for mum when she needed me. But I’ve no anger, just such pain at mum not being here and knowing her love on this earth even though I have her words which were, ‘ Paula, remember k love you always’. I have those words inscribed on mums urn which is here at home next to Dads. I cuddled them each day and cry my tears. I had t realised how sore ones throat gets when one crys a lot.
What I don’t feel up to right now ( and I fear never will ), is being with people for very long. Certainly groups of people are a big no for me but them I’m a bit of an introvert really so that’s not surprising. I’ve a couple of good friends whom I see maybe 3 times a year and exchange messages with. They’d been so kind and good, no judgement, now words, no keeping on saying ‘ how are you ‘ just as Lisa Riley on this site talked of in her pod cast which I found really helpful. I do feel consigned to life alone as there isn’t anyone else I want other than my mum but that also makes me so sad………as you say, beautifully, feeling blue.
It’s hard sorting through our loved ones things. It feels like closing their lives down. When my Dad died, mum did that very quickly and so I followed suit and did the same, keeping just a few things in a little box as we did with Dads.
Moomin, I really wish I could take your mum from heaven and give her back to you. If I could do it, I’d go to the ends of the earth to do that. I wish with all my heart that you do have a new normal eventually that you feel is right and where you can be true to all that you and your mum valued and shared together.
I’m thinking of you Moomin and do keep in touch. I hope that sharing part of my story, is helpful in some way.
How lovely that your mum loved you so and you her. I try to think of that and am grateful every day that I had such amazing parents and in fact, that I still do.
Take care Moomin.
X
Debbie X