I am one of 5 wonderful siblings, youngest having not had long turned 20 and the others between ages 23-35.
Our lovely mum suddenly and unexpectedly died from a pulmonary embolism. She was just 51 years old & seemed and looked even younger. She was full of jokes and giggles. I miss her.
I moved away from home for the first time just a month before her death. I hadn’t seen her for about 3 weeks before she died and the guilt of that eats me up inside. I was so caught up in myself I feel so selfish. I was only living 20 minutes away.
I kept in touch via text and 2 days before she died I got this overwhelming urge to check in, I was suddenly overly emotional about my mum and was even talking to a friend about all the hardships she faced in her life, which I now see as my soul trying to warn me something was going to happen to her. I also had a nightmare for the first time in AGES the night she died.
After being in my feels about her, I text her & I’m so glad I did… we exchanged messages of love you and miss you which I am so thankful for.
But she told me she’d been having bad panic attacks this week (she had anxiety disorder ) and I told her to speak to doctors& she said she is going to make an appointment. I told her I would see her finally on Saturday, which was the day she died and I never actually got to see her again until almost a month after she died at the chapel which was quite traumatising and a whole other story.
I just feel heartbroken and like I failed her because I didn’t go and see her to see what’s happening with the anxiety attacks (which were inability to breathe due to blood clot not panic attacks) Literally up typing this at 1am unable to sleep. I can’t help but feel like if I would’ve still been at home I would’ve noticed something was seriously wrong and pushed her to go doctors.
On the day she died I was on the way to the beach where I was going to spend the morning and afternoon and then come to the house for the evening to see everyone. I receive the dreaded call of I’m sorry you’re going to have to turn back they’re doing CPR on your mum. The drive back to the house crying my eyes out, I think I knew in my spirit she was gone. She was pronounced dead at the hospital but my dad says she was already gone in the house.
I find peace in knowing she had my dad by her side in her final moments but her last words were to him and were “I am scared” which knocks my stomach sick. I wish I could’ve been there to hold her hand. My sister was in another country on holiday and had to fly back knowing her mum had died. The whole thing is sickening. I feel a million different emotions and sometimes none at all, complete numbness
It’s been nearly 3 months and it’s less sharp but I don’t feel any better and I’m so sick of people seeming to think I am or should be
She did have my dad and 2 of my brothers at home and my sister had saw her days before she died and they all said she seemed normal besides the shortness of breath. I do understand that because she already had anxiety it might have been overlooked and ultimately overlooked by herself. There is just SO MUCH guilt we all carry but I am such a hypochondriac I feel if I would’ve saw her I would’ve spotted it and made her go to A&E. I always keep saying out loud to her that I’m sorry for failing her because that’s really
How I feel.
& I meant I had a nightmare the night before she died that something dark and scary was chasing me. I feel like this was a warning. She’s been in quite a few dreams of mine since with quite significant messages.
It has changed my outlook on spirituality, we all received white feathers randomly after she passed and my dreams- I had one the night before her funeral where something fell from the sky onto me and it said “I will always be with you, from -M” my little brother also got one the night before her funeral. I’ve had 3 more since and all exchange lovely words and kisses and hugs. Does anything think they mean something? I really hope they’re her telling me she’s okay.
They’re so hard to wake up from, when I wake up from a dream of her i immediately break down and hope to fall back asleep and see her again. I’d do ANYTHING to see her again. I no longer have friends that I can relate to, I get angry hearing anyone complain about their problems, to me they are irrelevant. Boyfriend drama? I don’t care anymore, stressed with work? Don’t care. I feel like everyone’s problems are small compared to mine, my mum is gone. Do they not understand I don’t want to comfort them about their crappy relationships. I also get so angry hearing them talk about or talk to their mums . I just really needed it off my chest . I am a kind person and I don’t want it to make me cruel but everyone is getting on my nerves.
Is there anyone young or who lost a parent young here who understands this rage? I am just infuriated at the whole sh**ty world tbh
Bless you I am so sorry to read this has happened. First of all don’t feel guilty that you had moved out and weren’t there. Your Mum spent years I have no doubt guiding you and helping you to fly and you did and I bet she was so proud to see you make your way in the world. Nobody would expect
something like this to happen when you and your siblings are so young and sadly there was probably nothing you could’ve done. Life is cruel my lovely And I won’t patronise you with things that have been sent to me also about my loss like “she’s in a better place” because as we both know the best Place for our beloved People to be is here with us. I pray that somehow you will find strength and peace in time to come. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve and take care x
