Hey everyone, I am Carly. I am a 34 year old Mum of two. I lost my best friend, my Mum in October 2020 suddenly due to a brain haemorrhage. It has been incredibly traumatic. I have had counselling but I am looking to meet people that know how I feel as I still feel really alone and as if no one I know understands me.
Hi Carly
My 74 year old mum suffered a brain hemorrhage in June 2019. She died a few hours later.
I still struggle with the trauma of watching her being blue lighted to kings college hospital to be told within minutes of arrival that there was nothing they could do.
My mum was energetic, funny and full of life. Iāve lost my best friend and my daughter lost her beloved nan.
I completely understand. I tried bereavement counselling but hated it and the only way I have moved forward is to keep myself busy with work, childcare and the house.
Cheryl x
Hi Cheryl,
Thank you so much for your reply. I know what you mean, I can see it all and play it all out in my head as clear as day.
My Mum never regained consciousness as was declared brain dead the same day. The counselling helped as my previous PTSD was triggered by Mum dying which did help. But I really want to find people like myself who know how I feel. Because saying āI miss my mum, it feels like there is a huge whole inside meā to people that donāt understand feels like I am being annoying.
Carly xx
Hi Carly
I took my mum to a hospital in Kent for a minor op to clear an artery blockage. I dropped her off and went shopping to stock up on wine for our holiday.
The hospital said they would call me to let me know when mum was ready to collect. Instead, I got a call telling me that my mum had suffered a severe bleed on the brain and that I should come immediately. My mum was in a coma, conveyed to london and declared brain dead the following day.
I was in complete and utter shock for weeks. In fact I probably still am. My mum was the youngest of 6 siblings by many years and was going to live till she was 90 (in my head anyway)
The post mortem concluded that it was a complete coincidence that she was in hospital and that her op had nothing to do with it. Apparently it would have happened if she had been sitting at home. For that i am grateful.
Itās just the living without them isnt it? No one ever asks how I am. No one mentions my mum anymore.
I see my aunts and uncles on Facebook enjoying life in their mid to late 80s and I feel bitter.
What happened to your mum?
Cheryl x
Oh Cheryl, I know exactly how you feel. My mum turned 66 last September. She was so young, not just at heart. She worked full time, was an incredible Mum and Grandma. She was a carer for her own 86 year old Mum, putting her life at the back of all of us. On October 1st 2020 at 10am I had a phone call from my cousin. My Mum hadnāt turned up to work (she ran the office for her brotherās building company) and they had gone to her house and could see her through the window but couldnāt get her to answer the door. I drove the 20 minutes to her house in tears, I just knew she wouldnāt be ok. When I got there I let the ambulance and police in. She was lying on her bed, kindle in hand with a coffee mug next to her bed. there was dried blood from her nose and she was making a noise similar to snoring. She was taken to hospital and scanned and ultimately she had had a bleed at the base of her head at the back. She would have been slowly bleeding for a week with no idea other than the odd headache. It would have just popped and taken her but she wouldnāt have felt anything. We turned her lifesupport off the next day and it took her 5 hours and 45 minutes to pass away. Gasping for breath whilst holding my hand. Iām told she felt no pain and had no idea but I am so broken.
Like you her brothers and sister carry on with their lives. I understand, what else is there to do but the hole I feel inside of me is horrendous. I canāt believe my amazing Mum is gone, that she wonāt hug me or tell me Iāll be ok again. I feel relief that she didnāt know it was going to happen as I donāt think she would have told me anyway but I feel cheated I couldnāt say goodbye. That I couldnāt tell her how amazing she was and how thankful I was to have her as my Mum. xx
I agree Carly.
However, time has made me realise that I would never have wanted to say āgoodbyeā to my mum.
Although I dont mind admitting that I feel cheated too and very bitter (we lost my dad to a massive heart attack when he was 53)
I am grateful that my mum didnt suffer, she didnt know what happened ( Iām told shd just slipped into unconciousness whilst talking to the doctor in the recovery room after her op) and that she enjoyed her life right up to the hours before her death. She didnt suffer a terminal illness and wasnt waiting to die.
She did all my childcare and had more energy than my partner and I put together.
Iām sorry for the trauma you went through. Like you, knew mum wouldnāt be ok. But I dreaded something like this for 20 years after what happened to my dad.
I still sit and think what the hell happened?
We were laughing and joking in the hospital.
Life isnāt fair thats for sure x
No you are right. Itās the most traumatic way for those left behind but not those it happens to and in honesty we wouldnāt want them going through that it just is such a hard pill to swallow. Sounds like our Mums would have got on. They both had a lease for life I could only dream of having xx
Thatās lovely x
Iāve just come across this thread, Iām sorry if this brings up painful memories for you both. Iāve actually found an element of comfort in the fact Iām not alone with what happened to my mum. My mum passed 3 weeks ago from a haemorragic stroke, she had a massive bleed on her brain and they couldnāt do anything. Like youāve said my mum was also full of life, had so much energy and looked after her grandsons. She was such a big part of my life. Iām struggling so much with not having her around. How are you both coping now? How does it ever begin to feel manageable? Mum knew about it at least for the first 48 hours, she had so much fight but it became apparent that it was still bleeding and she lost consciousness by the end. I promised her as long as she was fighting Iād still fight for her treatment and I did right up to the end (despite falling out with the medical staff). I just couldnāt deal with the reality of losing mum. Someone said to me tonight a sudden and unexpected loss is like ānormal grief but turning the volume upā intensifying all those normal feelings.
Hi Katie,
Your post has just been notified to me via my email as i dont visit Sue Ryder much any more.
Im sorry to read that you are going through what i did 4 and a half years ago. It was really such an awful time and im easily reduced to tears now thinking about the early days.
You ask how i am coping and im not sure really. I just get on with it i suppose.
Almost 5 years without my mum has been unimaginable and i still find it difficult to talk about or even look at photos of my mum.
But my daughter is nearly 17 and ive built a different life for myself.
How are you coping?
Cheryl
Hi Cheryl, thank you for taking the time to respond to me and Iām sorry if it bought up difficult memories. They say you never truly get over it but you build your life around it. I have children too, my boys are 4 and 2. I wish they had had more time with their amazing Gran. Mornings and evenings are horrible for me, I try and keep busy during the day but I hate waking up and it hitting me all over again. My life will never be the same I know that.
Hi Katie,
You are in such early days and things will get better. For me it was a very difficult couple of years but i coped better as time went on.
The awful realisation when you wake up does eventually go and the deep sense of grief too.
Unfortunately, life goes on and you will learn to cope.
There isnt a day where i dont think of mum and wish she were here but ive also learnt to accept some positives.
I also went through the sorrow that she wasnt seeing my daughter grow up who was 12 when mum died. There is repeat sadness when i see what mum is missing out on and that my daughter is missing out on my mum.
My best advice is just to take things one day at a time and dont expect too much of yourself
I hope you have plenty of support and looking after your young children will help too.
Cheryl
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My mum died in hospital just over 6 weeks ago, she was in for something relatively minor. I visited her every day. On the Saturday I stayed with her until 8:00p.m. and she was sitting up, alert and talking normally. I then got a phone call at 6:30 a m. Sunday from a nurse to say Mum had just died. I was devastated and rushed to the hospital to see her for the last time knowing she had already gone. I canāt stop thinking about it and feel guilty I wasnāt with her.
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Hi Victoria,
Sorry to hear about your mum. Its such a shock isnt it?
I was supposed to be collecting my mum from a day operation. Instead i got a call saying that she had suffered a severe bleed on the brain. She died the following day.
However, i am 4.5 years down the line and in a position to be able to tell you that the guilt absolutely goes. I feel no guilt anymore, just such sadness which i have learnt to live with.
Time really does help. Its just not quick unfortunately.
Cheryl
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@C1971 thank you for your kind words and support. And for coming back to this forum when itās been so long, to offer some support.
@Victoria22 Iām so sorry to hear of your loss and how unexpected it was. My mum was fit and well even hours before and full of energy with her grandkids days before. She suffered a haemorragic stroke and whilst she actually seemed to initially recover from that (she had such a will to live), the bleeding in her brain didnāt stop and there was nothing they could do. I was with mum for a week from the day it happened and she collapsed to the day she passed. It doesnāt make it any easier - I have horrendous flashbacks to the moment mum passed.
Someone said yesterday sudden death is like ānormal grief but with the volume turned up. Intensifiedā I resonated with that a lot.
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Hi, my mom also died of stroke but unlike others, I didnāt see her years before she passed as I was studying in another country. She died after I graduated and planning to go back home. She was young, and we all thought she was responding to treatment but suddenly died in the space of 2days. So I have so many guilts that may never go away eventhough my therapist is trying to make me see things from another angle. I have concluded that I will live with regrets from the rest of my life. The guilt and regrets have overshadowed the pain I am supposed to be feeling. Though life!
I wish you healing from the heart 
.
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Hi Katie,
Im glad im in a position to offer some comfort now that im several years down the line.
I wish you luck on your grief journey.
Cheryl x
Hi Diwu
I think this is the answer. We never āget overā what has happened but we learn to live alongside our grief and accept it in order to live the rest of our lives.
Cheryl
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