Mum died suddenly the day before my birthday

My mum died on the 19th February, the day before my birthday. I spoke to her the day before and she had visited my house the day before that. When I last saw her she told me how great she felt and she looked amazing. She had been doing slimming world for 2 years (she was never over weight but she wanted to be healthier). She had all new clothes on and said she had never felt better.
The day before she was going out with friend and had a lovely time.
The day she died my step dad rang. He couldn’t breathe. I got to the house and the paramedics were trying to start her heart. They tried for nearly an hour. The post mortem said a pulmonary embolism from a DVT. She had no symptoms. She had a DVT when she was 25 and pregnant but wasn’t on any blood thinners because it had been so long ago. I almost feel like her death had followed her around for years and it finally got her, if that makes sense.
My mum was my best friend. She helped me with my three children, especially my middle child who is 6 and has crohn’s so needs lots of hospital visits/treatment. She has always been my rock through difficult situations.
I feel really lucky to have had a funeral for my Mum considering others are not getting that now. But we have now had a shielding text for my son because he is on immunosuppressant drugs. I miss my sister and stepdad. I am so worried about them and I can not do anything. My sister has Asperger and her biggest fear was something happening to her Mum. My step dad is heart broken and all on his own.
My husband and I are both working from home (I haven’t been into actual work since but as a teacher felt I should do remote teaching in this difficult time).
I am just heartbroken and can not stop crying xxx

Hello Lisa
There is nothing which I can say to you to make you feel any better. I am so sorry that your mum passed away, so suddenly too. It is heartbreaking for you and I am sure that it will take you a long long time to recover from this shock. You have done the best thing for yourself by joining this forum, the people here are so compassionate and supportive.
Take care, Blessings,
MaryL x

Thank you. My uncle (Dad’s brother) drown suddenly 4 years ago so I was aware that things happen that you just don’t expect. He was 64 (the same age as my mum when she died).
I was sad when he passed and felt so upset for my cousins and dad. But I honestly could never have imagined the pain that I am feeling now. I keep imagining her walking down the drive and her beautiful smile that was so full of life xxx

hello again, Lisa2
You have certainly been through the mill, losing your uncle and now your beloved mum, she was so young too. Too soon to lose her life, grief is really a physical pain, my husband of 59 years passed away nearly 8 months ago, he hadn’t been well but I never expected him to die, I found him on our bedroom floor. I can identify with you in respect of the physical pain, your mum sounds to have been a lovely lady and I do feel for you. x x x x

So sorry to hear about your Husband xxx

Hi Lisa2, I am so sorry to hear about your mum.
My husband was 64 as well when he died very suddenly last November. He was out with my younger son and died in front of him. We all thought he was fit and healthy but the post mortem showed his heart was enlarged and he had a congenital malformation of one of his heart valves. This had never been detected . Our doctor because he had no symptoms they had no reason to look for problems. you say your mum seemed so well the day before. That is what is so shocking as life changes in an instant. I understand how difficult it is to cope with your grief when you have young children and relied so much on your mum. To lose somebody

Hi Lisa2,
To lose somebody so loved and so needed is a cruel blow. 64 is just too young to die nowadays. I hope you can find some comfort on this site from others in a similar situation.
Thinking of you

Thank you for your response. I am so sorry to hear about your husband and your poor youngest witnessing it all.
The day will always be with me. I feel so bad that I was at the house nearly 20 minutes before I rang my sister. I just couldn’t tell her. In the end my husband phoned her.
My mum and stepdad went to church and are very good friends with a retired reverend. We phoned him and he was there so quick. Said a prayer when the paramedics stopped working on her. Then we all said another one before the coroner took her away. I will forever be grateful to him xxx

Hi lisa
I’m so sorry to read your heartbreaking post about your mum. It’s similar to a conversation I was having with some of the others earlier today. We always imagine that we are going to lose our parents when they are ancient and have lost their faculties and are ready to die. When they are living life normally and suddenly get taken it’s so hard to come to terms with.
I lost my beloved mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage in june. It came completely out of the blue. The week earlier we had been doing all the bedding plants and decorative cotswold stones in the garden. It was tiring work and I went indoors to rest but my mum carried on. She did so much for me and my 12 year old daughter. I thought she would go on till she was 90 like my nan did.
The shock is tremendous as is the confusion as to ho this can have happened. I remember the previous Friday my mum went for dinner at my sisters. She looked radiant and I told her so. A week later she had gone.
I’m 9 months down the line and I’m still struggling. I think I always will. Like you I lost my best friend.
It’s still such early days for you. Look after yourself.
Cheryl x

Everyone’s stories are so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you lost your mum and your best friend xxx

Thanks lisa. You certainly arent alone x

Hi Lisa and Jobar,
As Mary says, grief is terribly painful. It feels like you are jumping off of a cliff every minute with only sleep to rescue you. I am so sorry for both of your losses. Sudden death comes with a unique pain. You are dealing with loss, shock, and the stress that comes with it.
Few things in life are out of our control, and this is one of them. It is very hard to understand. Unfortunately, cardiac arrest, aneurisms, strokes, and clots come with no warning signs.
We are 9 months from when my healthy fit dad passed out of nowhere in his sleep from cardiac arrest. It was so shocking. His friend called me that morning because my mom could not even remember any phone numbers. I am haunted by his words - it was so surreal. I had just played tennis with my dad 2 days prior! He was always young looking for his age - just turned 77, full head of dark hair, no wrinkles (how??) - full of energy. Then gone.
Maybe these sudden passings make more sense when a person is in there very very late 80’s to 90’s (?) but certainly not in their 60’s and 70’s.
These early months for both of you - you will get lots of advice. The best things I did for myself are these: 1. Slept alot; 2. Talked to people who offered - I had “coaching” from people who have been through it. Amazingly, even acquaintances will volunteer to help you. I have so much love for all of them. 3. Friends: some will not be there for you for whatever reason. Others will surprise you with their love and support. Let them give it to you. You need the good feelings, even if everything in life feels broken and meaningless.
9 months down the line, something will click and the initial pain does subside. But its like an ocean - the waves try to knock you down and from time to time they do. But it does get better - how? I dont know. Everyone has a turning point where your brain is able to find peace again.
Ell

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Thank you for your kind words. My Mum also never seemed to age. She had the most lovely skin with no wrinkles as well. My step dad is 8 years younger. There is a photo from Christmas with the out with friends who are all 10-15 years younger than my Mum and she looks so youthful. She was beautiful inside and out xxx

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Hi Lisa
We dont know what is going on inside of our own bodies. That notion is frustrating.
Glad you found this forum. We are all living a nightmare, but day by day we help each other through it.
I am in the USA, 2 teenage kids.
Sorry to meet under these circumstances.
Warmly,
Ell

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