Mum dying and depression

My mum died 10/10/17 and I thought I wa coping just on and off tears at odd times when triggered by discussions or music or watching tv.
Now I feel so depressed, I dread going to work and keep thinking changing jobs will solve things but I’m not sure if it is work as when I took the job I had challenges as I don’t have much confidence on the phone and I hate being on Duty, and I worry I will have to drive in towns which I’m also not confident with, so now I don’t know if mum dying has just escalated these feelings and need dealing with but I don’t know how. Or if changing job to one with no worries would help.
I have a deep dull ache which doesn’t seem to go and I wonder if its due to not really going over what happened ie sitting up the hospital for 2 weeks 24/7 waiting for mum to die, I don’t feel I want to go over this with family as I feel weak and silly and know thats wrong but I just can’t go over this with them especially my adult children. Advice please, due to mum’s breakdown before her Strokes and taking medication, I really do not want to take any medication at all.

Hi

Sorry to hear this. I too lost my mum in October. As you were possibly in disbelief initially, as the reality starts to sink in this may be why you are now feeling depressed with the constant dull ache.

As for your job if you already found it stressful you will possibly find it even more stressful at the moment due to your bereavement and things should settle down in a while. Alternatively you may find that your bereavement changes your priorities and decide it is not the job for you. As it is said that we should not make any major decisions in the first year perhaps if you could see if you settle into your job during this year? I am assuming your job is fairly new for you.

As for going over the last few weeks, you must not feel you are weak to wish to discuss this. You went through an enormously stressful time.

JayDee

Thanks JayDee, Sorry to hear about your mum too, my moods change by the minute at the moment I can be thinking positive and then bang a few minutes later after the tiniest trigger I can be back to square one again. I think your right about giving it more time before making decisions about work, I have been in this role 2.5 years but only got it permanant towards the end of last year.
My mum was only 66 and fit and healthy but suffered mental health anxiety 2016-17 and I’m sure meds caused her 2 Strokes 6 wks apart which then led to the brain bleed Stroke. Thats why I can’t accept meds, but want to recover myself anyway just not sure how. To everyone else it seems like years ago but to me it is still fresh and painful.

Hi, I’ve suffered with depression/anxiety on and off for years & it certainly got worse when my Mum died 4 years ago. I completely understand how you’re finding your moods changing by the minute. I have been on meds, I’ve also recently really started to focus on alternative therapies. I’ve done a mindful meditation course & now regularly journal. My diet & exercise levels are really important too. Caffeine, sugar & alcohol really make my anxiety worse. I suppose it all comes down to being kind to yourself, allowing youself to grieve as you need to and looking after yourself. I didn’t want to speak to friends/family when my Mum died so I had some bereavement counselling. I have to say it was enormously helpful. My sessions were ‘safe’ places where I could just say whatever I wanted. In the first session I think I just sobbed for the full 45 minutes - my counsellor was great and very understanding. It might be worth considering. Take care

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Hi I can remember my mum going through a mini break down about 5 months after losing her dad and she was such a strong lady you wouldn’t have thought it would happen. I lost mum 10 weeks ago yesterday although 7 years of severe dementia where I grieved too. Like you I am also considering leaving my job asearch so many changes I am not in a good place to cope with. But good advice is not to make decisions when you are still grieving. Time is needed to settle and reflect and I am sure like me with mothering Sunday tomorrow you are churned up. Hopefully the spring and light nights will bring new hope with it as autumn and winter depressing at best of times. I am looking forward to evening walks and pottering in the garden and trip to Cornwall and without work I can’t do these things so work is just the vehicle. Would another job be better if don’t know.

Hi Rubyrip, yes Mothers Day, mum’s birthday in Feb, Christmas and Easter all dates that are hard. I have not been too bad this week even though on Duty twice and IT issues so not sure, maybe a turning point. Plus on the Sunday night before I had the longest cry and went over mum in hospital and taking her last breaths so not sure if that may have been a good release and made that difference. I’m not sure will take it week by week but it was nice to be able to say for a long time that I’d had a good week even with the problems.
Think its time plus accepting what happened by grieving it that helps.
Hope you are managing too.

Thanks tlang, like I said to Rubyrip, I think accepting all of what happened and grieving that makes the difference too.
Before I just stopped remembering each time I thought of the hospital but now I am thinking of it and grieving it, it seems to be helping…or did last week anyway. Hope you are ok.

Hi.

Just wanted to give you a quick virtual hug. Xx

Since my dad died in May 17, I’ve been going to counceling as my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 weeks later. I just wanted to say that it helps having an outlet to revisit the awful memories and worries so I would recommend it. Things can’t stay surpressed so I really recommend getting all your feelings out there whichever way works for you. I’m finding this site so useful too. Other people swear by writing everything down.

Please don’t be hard on yourself. Grief does not follow a text book. It comes and goes like a violent tide and can knock you off your feet at any time. You have been through a terrible time and it will take time to get over it but you have taken the first step sharing your thoughts with people who understand.

Take care.

Ann xx

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