Mum dying other side of the world

My mum’s 83 and dying in hospital. She is on the other side of the world and I have been on a rollercoaster for the last 3 weeks about going to see her (when I decide to go, I can’t book the ticket, when I decide not to go I start looking at tickets again .) Granted, there was some hope she may recover, until today when she begged us (over Zoom) to get the nurse to take the feeding tube out (which they put in today and the doctor said is key to her recovery/healing). She kept saying said ‘I’ve had enough’, ‘no more tubes’, ‘let me go’ and ‘I love you all’. She has been in a lot of pain for the last 3 weeks and it is clear she is of sound mind and has accepted she will/wants to die. I can’t bring myself to book a plane ticket and I feel incredibly selfish, but I’m not sure what I can do there, except offer her some comfort, which I know is not nothing. But I’m anxious about leaving my family here (although they can take care of themselves), I have this dread that something terrible (apart from my mum dying) will happen, like I will die too or something will happen to my family while I’m away. I live with this fear normally (from past trauma and which I am having therapy for). It feels like I am taking a risk by going when there is nothing I can do to help her. But then I think, even if I see her for 5 minutes before she goes it will be worth it. But if I go and she dies on the way I will be alone and far from home without the love and support of my family here. My relationship with my mum is complicated. She has suffered mental and physical health issues all her life and was not able to care for me, though she tried her best. I don’t blame her, I understand her inability to care for me was the result of her own trauma. I have lived on the other side of the world from her for all my adult life. She has visited us here many times and vice versa. We put things in motion for her to move here, but she would/could never make the move, preferring to stay alone in her own home, where she felt comfortable. It seems to me she is ready to die, she has had enough of the pain. I am incredibly sad for all the suffering she has had to bear in her life and I feel it will be a relief for her to die and end this suffering. I know whatever decision I make I mustn’t regret. I guess there are already so many regrets and that’s what I am wrestling with.


I’m so very sorry. :heart: I understand that things are complicated, but I think you answer your own question when you write that it would be worth it even if you only see her for five minutes before she goes. Could someone from your family fly down with you? Sending strength and hugs.


Dear APG, i realise everyones relationship with their Mum is different, and some people are happy to say their goodbyes from a distance, but if you look on this site you will see it filled with people who are full of sorrow because they couldnt be with their loved ones in their final moments, or who are longing for just a few moments more with them if they could. Can you get someone to come with you as support, like Ulma suggested? If once you are here you decide you dont want to see her, you still dont have to. But if you dont come then youre not giving yourself that option. As you say, there are already so many regrets - which decision do you feel you are likely to regret more - booking the ticket or not booking it? :heart:

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APG do you still have friends/family in the UK who can comfort/host you, if you do come back to see your mum?

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@APG hi,
I understand your situation. On 20 December I received a call from my aunt that my mum was on ICU in coma. I was on the plane next day. For next 7 weeks I visited her nearly every day. I wasn’t able to communicate with her, all I could do was hold her hand and talk to her. I don’t even know if she heard me. I too had complicated relationship with my mum and I am too full of guilt. She didn’t want to move to UK when I offered. Her funeral was yesterday. My husband managed to look after our 3 daughters. I’m flying back to UK begining of March.
I would just go, be with her, don’t worry about anything else. Like you said yourself, if its only for 5 minutes to see her, it will be worth it. Sending you hugs and strength, hope you make it to see your mum. xx

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You’re so right…thank you for pointing out what was not obvious to me.

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@Ally6 Ally6 its true, know I would always regret it. This morning, a friend who recently lost both her parents reminded me that when she’s gone it’s too late, there will never be another chance to see her.Ally6 its true, know I would always regret it. This morning, a friend who recently lost both her parents reminded me that when she’s gone it’s too late, there will never be another chance to see her.
@Burgled Burgled, I dont have any family or friends in the UK. I haven’t lived there for 36 years and only went back briefly a few times…but what I will do to support myself is book myself into a nice hotel near the hospital and keep reading these forums!
@Ola13 Ola13 Thank you also for your kind words and support. I’m sorry you lost your mum, but glad to hear you got to spend time with her.

I have booked a ticket for tomorrow and feel good about it. I think writing my fears down and everybody’s replies helped me process what I was going through. Thank you. Now I have made the decision to go, I feel a lot calmer. I also feel like the last residues of anger and resentment I felt toward my mum, the guilt that goes with it, have shifted…and a hardness in my heart has softened.


@APG so glad to hear it, have a safe journey and stay in touch. Sending you lots of hugs xxx

I’m glad deciding has made you feel calmer. Sometimes we all get caught up in thought loops and it helps to hear another perspective. I too wish you a safe journey. :people_hugging:

Wishing you a safe journey and strength during this difficult time :heart:

:yellow_heart: Travel safely :yellow_heart: