I lost my dad 6 weeks ago to cancer. I was there with him through everything, to his last breath. I moved back in with my parents to help out after he was diagnosed. It was 4 months from diagnosis to passing and I’m completely lost and devastated. He had just planned his retirement, I was trying to buy a home near them.
I feel so alone. Im struggling with my mental health and getting back to work, but plan to go back next week after pressure for my mum. Since the new year, she has started to hassle me to go out for no reason, and get back to full time work. I went back 4 days after my dad passed for 2 weeks, but I was still in shock and after the funeral my physical and mental health plummeted.
She’s started coming home irritated and immediately crying which fills me with guilt as all I care about is her happiness. Tonight she blamed me for not being able to grieve her husband properly because I am worrying her too much. I’ve spoken openly and honestly this far about my struggles to come to terms with losing Dad but her patience has suddenly gone and she only wants me to be back to the happy, care free, strong person I was before. I told her that the pressure isn’t helping and that ive read it’s normal to be feeling these things 6 weeks in, but she just slams doors in my face and won’t hear it telling me reading things and this forum isn’t good for me. I’ve given up my whole life for her, to look after her as she says she needs me at home now, but how do I grieve my father when I’m not allowed? I’m currently sat in a carpark typing this and crying in my car because I can’t show my emotions at home. I’m too broken to pretend I’m getting better, and feeling so alone is making me worse and worse each day. I don’t speak to my older brother as he was always so horrible and disrespectful to my dad and walks all over my mum. He’s caused us no end of stress and pain through Dads illness and death. I’ve had to make boundaries this year for my own health. I think she is also angry at me for that, but he is such a nasty, manipulative person that I have to do what’s best for me or I’ll end up dead myself. I moved out of our home city to escape him many years ago. She’s never seen an issue with his behaviour, even though she admits the things he does are terrible.
My dad was my person, my bestie, we were very close and he always kept me sane in our family. Now he’s gone I am half a person. How do I grieve my dad and make myself well again whilst coping with all of this around me? I love my mum with all my heart and I’d do anything to protect her, so how do I pretend I’m doing okey when I feel like I just want to leave this world?
Im so sorry for your loss @Peppermint, and at a time where you should all be supporting each other, your mum is making you feel like you cant grieve. It sounds like your mum is going through her own grief journey and may just be finding it overwhelming. Her emotions are going to be all over the place. Maybe shes feeling its her job as a mother to look after you, but that she just doesnt have the strength to do that right now?
Your Mum needs to realise neither of you will go back to being the same person you were before - death is such a life shattering event it fundamentally changes you.
Please dont go back to work if you dont feel ready, dont be pressured by anyone. Or at least explore whether you could go back on a phased return initially.
Its important you have space and permission to grieve and that you dont feel you have to hide it - do you have any friends/family/work colleagues that you can talk to? Does your employer offer access to any counselling services? It may be worth checking if any bereavement groups run in your area. And of course there are LOTS of people on here who have lost someone and understand the impact grief has, so keep posting.
You said your mum wants you to go out for no reason - do you think she just wants time on her own to cry / think about your Dad? Is there a way you could agree to give each other some space? You said you moved in with your parents - do you still have your own place? Im not suggesting moving out, but even if it was for a day/evening once a week, it might give you both some space.
Your mum may feel different over time, its still very early days for both of you. She said she needs you at home so she clearly wants you around. Keep talking to each other and trying to understand what each other needs. Hopefully in time the memories of your Dad that you share will bring you closer together x
@Peppermint it may not be of any use but is there any way you could convince your mum to have a look on the Losing a Partner forum? There’s many of us there that would be able to relate to what she is going through, we’re all very much in the same boat as her, I’m sure she may benefit even just reading what others are posting. Hope it helps!
The family dynamic shifts when someone passes and everyone grieves differently, even within a family, which complicates things. You both have to adjust to the new circumstances and settle into new roles. It sounds like she needs some time alone to grieve right now and that will hopefully be just a phase, but in the meantime you need someone to vent to. It’s good that you’re talking here and maybe you can find grief counselling near you, where there’s space for you and your emotions. But I know from experience how hard it is, not feeling you get support from family at times like this.
My partner lives with his Dad 2 hours away, he moved in with him when I moved up here so we didn’t have to pay rent while we saved for a new home near my parents. I have a complicated relationship with his Dad and we have no privacy down here or at my mums so our relationship has really stuggled this year. I’m down here now for the first time since Dad and my mum is alone for 4 days. I’m worried about her being alone but she said it might do us some good so it’s happening. I only started my new job 8 weeks before I went off for a long period when dad was sick and now my time off after his passing so I don’t know my colleagues very well or how things will be when I go back, but I’m going to ring my doctor tomorrow and speak about a phased return. It’s just so hard to even get a phone call appointment these days! Counciling which i really need right now would be months off. This forum has really helped me and I hope ive been able to help others. I’ve tried to convice mum to get on a forum or chat room with others in our situation or get counsiling but she’s “old school” according to her and just suffers in silence, the exact thing that killed her own mother at the age of 73 after her son died . I worry so much about losing mum and the quality of life we will both have now Dads gone. I hope and pray we can have a good life together and she can find happiness with her friends and hobbies. She misses my dad so much i can see the agony in her eyes every day. Xxxx
Thanks @Ulma it’s reassuring to know that this is normal in some families after grief. My 5 year old nephew is acting out too since Grandads gone which has been hard for my mum to cope with, but she tries so hard to keep things as normal as possible for him. He was with my mum and dad every weekend since he was weeks old, and my Dad was his best friend, took him everywhere and spoiled him rotten. He’s left a HUGE hole in our family that none of us know how to fill xx
Oh, it must be difficult for him and he’s too little to fully understand as well. I once read a description of loss as a giant sinkhole opening up in your living room floor. In the beginning you fall into it all the time, but gradually you learn where it is and become able to skirt the edges and walk around it, even if it’s always there. Remembered that when you spoke of leaving a hole. They do and the darkness in it is so very dark.
Dear Peppermint, oh my gosh, my heart is breaking for you. I’m so very sorry. Losing a parent is tough.
Is there a way you can arrange for some one-on-one grief counseling or group sessions for yourself, without Mum’s involvement? She’s also grieving, but it almost sounds like she’s unfairly and destructively transferring her anger (a normal part of the grieving process) on to you. Despite her pain, it’s unkind and selfish, in my opinion. And puts added pressure on you, which is the last thing you need at this time of tremendous loss. It certainly does not aid your healing. You, and you alone, are permitted to work through your personal grief “journey” in your own time and in your own special way. No one can dictate how we should feel, or how we need to go about it.
I’m coping with the loss of my partner of 22 years six weeks ago after a month-long roller coaster hospitalization ride. Second marriage with adult children from first. In a way, I’m experiencing similar behavior from my partner’s adult daughter. Constantly telling me, basically, that I need to get on with my life and that I need distraction, not isolation. Distraction may work for her, but for me, I have found I need to face the grief head-on, with the gut punching sorrow and tears that come with it.
Sadly, I feel her motivation is based on self-centeredness and self-interest, not genuine compassion and understanding towards me and my feelings. I can tell you, her father would not be (is not) happy. Unfortunately, sometimes people show their true colors during crises.
If you are able, please look into free or low-cost group grief sessions. I’ve done the same. Yesterday was the first of 13 weekly sessions.
I hope it will help. And make me a better person along the way.
Please know all of us on this forum are here for you at all times. You’re going through an immense loss, and it’s perfectly normal and healthy to put yourself first.
Do you think your Mum would be more open to meeting people face to face rather than online? I know in my local area there are bereavement groups, some are specifically for talking about your loss but others are purely social meet ups with other bereaved people who are trying to rebuild their lives. So maybe she would be more open to a social meet up group, and she could choose just how much she wants to open up once she gets to know them? Good luck with your GP tomorrow.
Hi and sorry for your loss and your situation. It won’t help but I have ended up being that Mum pushing her daughter away and making her stress with out even knowing it. I looked after my Mum and helped her come home to her end. Even though I was a nurse for years and did it for my Mum when her husband was ill and my step granny when she was ill, my Mum was different and has really affected me.
I have 3 daughter and 2 are close one living with us who helped me. Both now feel I have been uncaring and unkind in my actions and words. I was already in a dark place and then to realise that is how they both felt it was awful. I really had no idea and suddenly the youngest has moved into her sisters.
I now have to reflect that in my awful sadness and grief I have been controlling and difficult but so have they and I just didn’t cope well with Christmas.
Non of it helps you but I am sad to read your story as you Mum is probably just grieving and may be it’s worse as you did soo much. I feel may be my girls are better together as I just couldn’t support them. That hursts me soo much but is true. My youngest doesn’t talk much so my emotions and anger, unpredictability and tears have been hard for her.
I wonder if some family support would help you both to safely say how you feel? You might be surprised? Grief is horrid and I have never felt like this before. Just know you are not alone XX
xx