Mum is dying...do I let children say goodbye

My my mum is 93 yrs old. She has Alzheimer’s & has a chest infection. Has stopped eating & drinking. Now on bed & sleeping a lot of the time. She doest really respond to me but does seem called by my voice. My children are 14 & 19. I am considering giving them the option of visiting mum to say goodbye…or anything else the want to say to her. Is that a good idea? My husband says maybe not…but I feel they are not doing children & maybe it would help them. Any views appreciated as I am so overwhelmed at the moment

Hi.

I guess deep down you will know your children and how they may react better than anyone but my opinion would be that your children should decide. Death is brushed under the carpet so much in our culture and I don’t think that is a good thing.

If you explain how your mum will look and what she may do if they visit, then it is one less responsibility on you allowing them to decide. You could give them the option to see your mum or if they do not feel comfortable doing so, why not ask them to write a letter which you will read out to her then they get the chance to say goodbye but without the upset of seeing her?

Only an opinion though. I know how hard it is to think straight in such times. You are doing such an amazing job being with your mum so don’t put pressure on yourself to make the perfect decision.

Big hug
Ann x

Thank you so much Ann…i appreciate your reply. Having just spoken to them both they have chosen to come with me today. I actually feel good they have made their own decision. Xxx

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That is fantastic. It will be a difficult day but I am sure it will help everyone in the long run. Xxx

Mum passed away peacefully yesterday. I am glad that we all got to say goodbye. I have no regrets…except i wasn’t with her at the end.

Oh Summersun I am so sorry for your loss but pleased she passed away peacefully. She will now be at peace.

I am glad you managed to say goodbye as a family and you were there at the end. Maybe not her last breath, but the end of her life and I am sure your presence was such a comfort to her in her final days before she passed away.

I am sure things feel very surreal at the moment for you but this forum is such a comfort at times so we will be here for you if you need us.

Take care. Ann xxx

Thank you annannie. To be honest even though I knew it was going to happen it feels very odd & surreal. I feel lost & like i need to be doing things! My daughter doesn’t seem affected but as a teen maybe she isn’t showing it So obviously. Thank you for your support it’s nice to be able to chat xxx

Hi
I am so sorry your mum has passed away. It is always a shock as we can never be prepared even if it is expected. It is always too soon.

I lost my mum a few months ago. I can totally relate to the surreal feeling and really it still is. I can also relate to the need to be doing things. In the first few weeks I could not sit still and ran around from one task to the next.

Sending my thoughts to you

X

Hi Summersun

When my dad died in May I felt surreal for ages. I became a bit OCD about cleaning and being busy sorting cupboards out (very unlike me…). Think it is a coping mechanism so you can process everything slowly.

I’m still feeling surreal to be honest. Caring for my mum who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 weeks after My dad died has taken its toll on me but keeping busy can help. If I may offer advice though, take time out for all the emotions to hit you when they do as it’s a bit like getting through a storm I’ve heard, and the only way through it is…well, through it.

Your mum reached a great age and your children will be pleased they got to say goodbye in years to come. You did the right thing by everyone so having no guilt is a very positive place to be, even at such a sad time.

Ann xx

Am sorry to hear about that.I lost my mum a month ago and never got the chance to say goodbye so I think it’s important the children say goodbye and I believe it will help them too.

I was 12 when I went to see my nan in Chapel of rest.I’m 37 now and know for sure,it was the very best thing for me to say goodbye.my brothers were 11 and 17 and decided not to and it was the best thing for them.it’s all about personal choice and your children are well old enough to decide for themselves.what ever they decide,don’t take it personally.I decided not to see my dad in the chapel of rest,even though I loved him just as much as my nan, if not more.it all depends on the situation.I never got to say goodbye to my nan,where as I found my dad dead.every time is different.I’m sorry for what your going through but trust your kids to make the right choices for them

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree with you & am glad I gave them the choice. They don’t want to go to the chapel of rest but did go and see her before she passed.

Hi Summersun.

How are you doing now?

I think my mum is getting close to the end and now I face the same situation but with my 5 year old.

He has seen his grandma in some difficult times in hospital etc but it was only May 2017 that i lost my dad so there is a lot to take in for a 5 year old losing his grandpa and grandma…and a lot for a 42 year old to take in for that matter!

I’m taking him to see my mum today but we are getting to the point where I will feel better at her home 24hrs so not sure how to explain that to him either.

I’ve been caring for her for 7 months after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer just after my dad died and the guilt I have felt for not spending as much time as possible with my son has been very tough.

Tough times all round for everyone on this site.

Ann xx

Hi Ann.
My heart goes out to you. What a tough time you are having all round. I don’t know what the best advice is…maybe your son would be better not seeing her like she is…he could do a picture to say goodbye & put it with her when she is in chapel of rest? Do a remembrance box with him or a small book of photos you can get out with him in the future?
For yourself…be kind. You can’t be everywhere.you are doing so well being a mum & daughter. Is your mum going into a hospice or do you have support at home for her? My thoughts are with you xxx

Hi summersun

My mum wants to stay at her home so I am split in 2 world’s at the moment. The beurocracy for staying at home is immense. We do have carers but now she is so weak that the commode is a daily worry. It really is the hardest challenge I have ever faced and I’m just doing one day at a time, as I have for 7 months. I would like my son to see her again but it really is a lot for a 5 year old to take in. The picture idea is a good one. Thankyou.

Ann xx

Hi lost my mum to dementia 9 weeks ago we spent most of the last week with her but like you not there when she finally passed. But we had said all we needed to and hopefully she knew even with her dementia that we loved her and was there. My children grown up and hadn’t really spent much time with mum in her last 7 years so I did ask if they wanted to say goodbye or remember their precious dementia grandma. They all came to say goodbye I think important they got to do that when my father in law died 16 years ago they were not asked and they all say they would have gone and they regret we didn’t give them the choice. It’s still hard to get through a day without sadness but I play a song called don’t cry for me and although it made me cry at first the words don’t cry for me i am whole again do give me comfort. Our mum’s are now well and whole again and waiting for us we will see them again one day I am sure. Take care xx

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